15 years with BPDw, separated yet again...Here is my story...

[Eagle_777]

Hello All,

I have been browsing this board over the past couple months and decided it was time to tell my story and ask for some feedback.

I have been with my diagnosed BPDw for nearly 15 years (7 years of dating and 8 years of marriage) and we have two children (Ages 12 and 7). We met when I was 26 and she was 20 (now 41 and she is 35). I was in a dead-end r/s with someone else when I met her, and she totally made me feel alive for the first time in my life. She was stunningly beautiful. The idealization phase was intoxicating, and the sex was like nothing I've experienced before. I was hooked quickly. We met in June of 2007, and I was blinded by some obvious red flags, but chalked it up to her being young and inexperienced with relationships. There were a few weekends she would just disappear, and I could not reach her whatsoever. It turned out she was still seeing a previous boyfriend on the side. I finally had enough of that behavior and let her know how I felt in no uncertain terms. She basically just sat there like a victim, and I felt like a father scolding a daughter. After four months, I told her it is best we go our separate ways since it appeared she was not ready for commitment.
At this point I was not very impacted emotionally since we were only together for four months and I was young and had a business that I was building taking up a lot of my time and wasn't worried about not finding another r/s. Fast forward three months and she calls me out of the blue asking if I can assist with her taxes. I told her I would and she came over a couple hours later. It immediately led to sex and into dating we go again. She wanted the r/s back immediately but I did not commit based on previous behavior. After two months of her basically living at my house, she ghosted me out of nowhere. I went NC and heard from her again at exactly a month. Here we go again and it lasted four months then ghosts me again. She reached out a month later again asking if she could come over to watch a show that she couldn't get due to her not having cable. I said yes and here we go again and she ends up pregnant. We become engaged to be married and go a solid three years without any major issues.
We are now to Spring of 2012 and she returns to working at a bar and ends up leaving me for a bartender she works with. She is still living in my house with me and our two-year old daughter. The r/s with the replacement lasted four months. At the very end I helped her move into the new apartment they got together. She was very broken up and crying during all of this. Not even two days later she asks me to pick her up from work and she professes her love for me. That night we go to her new apartment and move all her stuff out while replacement is working. We are back together yet again. This lasts three months and she meets someone at work and she's gone again. They get an apartment together after less than a month of knowing each other. He is an oil rig worker so he is home for two weeks then gone for two weeks. When replacement is gone she is constantly trying to hang out with me since she is bored and lonely. We eventually begin having sex on a regular basis but she doesn't leave him. She liked having two suitors. Unbeknownst to me the replacement flew her to Florida where she temporarily stayed with her sister while they were planning to find a home to rent. I immediately drive from midwest to Florida to figure out what the hell is going on. She told me she wants to move to Florida and asks if I would be interested. I succumb to her request and I rent a place for a month knowing she would change her mind again. Within two weeks of being there, we find out she is pregnant (The child is mine). We decide to move back home and plan our wedding. We married in February of 2014 while she is seven months pregnant. We have minimal issues for another three years.

It is now 2017 and she begins to do pole fitness and posts lots of sexy content on Instagram. This catches the eye of a guitarist from a pretty popular metal band and they form an emotional r/s and she is sexting him nonstop then plans to meet him at hotel when they are in town. She asks for a divorce and I get the process rolling. She receives divorce papers and rips them up and throws them away. After seven months she never meets up with the guitarist and wants to fix our marriage. I discovered BPD after Googling the behavior. My stipulation to repairing our marriage was that we attend couples therapy and each go to individual therapy. She agrees and we continue this until Covid forced remote sessions which were not working well. So we stop therapy in March 2020 and we are still doing well. Slowly things decline and here we are.
Beginning of November 2021, she begins applying for jobs and is hanging out with a group of women who were going through divorce. Guess she wanted to jump on the bandwagon. She never told me she was applying for jobs plus a few other things that a wife would discuss with her husband. I have no choice but to tell her we should separate (She always makes me do the breaking up besides the ghosting which she can no longer do since we have kids. Any idea why? Is it because if she does it there is a chance of no return?). We are separated but she agrees to go to my company Christmas party which we stay a weekend in a hotel together. She tells me that I will probably get laid but don't expect that to mean we are getting back together. We have an incredible time and probably got along the best since we met. We had incredible sex multiple times and it seemed like we were on the right track. Not even a week later I had a gut feeling something wasn't right and I look at her Instagram DM's and see plans for her to go on a date and stay at a guy's house that lives 1.5 hours away. It appears she had only been talking to this guy for four days. I question her and she says this is all happening because I treat her with disrespect and never support her. This is complete BS. She spends the next weekend with this guy and they are now together. It has now been four weeks. I overheard them fighting on the phone after only 13 days together. He requested she drop all her male followers on Instagram. She told him there was no way that was happening and told him she would talk to him tomorrow. Crack in the new honeymoon phase I suppose. They proceed to spend New Year’s weekend together and moving along just fine. What kills me is each time she returns from one of these weekends she flips out on me for supposedly hanging out with another woman, which I most certainly am not. She continues to give me crap about this “other woman” daily. Is this her projecting her guilt onto me? She notices that I am not moping around the house trying to get back with her (I have never done that) and not mentioning anything about her new “relationship.” Then she makes comments such as, “Now you start being fun?” “Glad the new girl is getting the better version of you.” “Thanks for giving me the terrible version of you.” What is all that supposed to mean? Is she remorseful? Does she fear me moving on and causing abandonment? She says she is not moving out until forced to (I assume when divorce is finalized). My attorney told me absolutely do not move out or start dating. Her behavior is baffling and even after all these years still cuts me to the core.

Thank You for reading and any insight you may provide.

[BigOof]

Is she remorseful?

Not in the least.

Is this her projecting her guilt onto me?

Not in the least.

BPDs are incapable of feeling the above two emotions. It is all about the here-and-now.

Sounds like a little gaslighting with a touch of projecting negative emotions. The result is you're getting sucked into her bottomless pit of darkness.

[alleyesonme]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this.

My stbEX never cheated, but was very abusive and manipulative in other ways. I was often accused of things I'd never even consider doing to anyone, let alone my wife, and was surprised every time it happened. Once I got some distance from her, it hit me like a ton of bricks that everything she accused me of was something she was either already doing to me or was contemplating doing to me. So yes, I think everything she accuses you of doing is exactly what she knows she's doing.

When you two have had periods of 2-3 years without any issues, has she ever explained her past behaviors and/or made any effort to change? The fact that you've have had such prolonged periods of calm and happiness may indicate that she, unlike many people with BPD, is capable of changing.

Where have the kids lived/stayed when she has moved out? Have they gone with her,  stayed with you, or split time between you and her?

If they've stayed with you, meaning she voluntarily left them with you, that should be a major factor in your favor should it ever come down to a custody dispute.

[alleyesonme]

And by the way, welcome. As you'll see, the posters here are extremely knowledgeable and helpful. And while we come from all over the world and so many different backgrounds, we've all been through similar traumas due to people that have the same PD.

[ForeverDad]

Where have the kids lived/stayed when she has moved out? Have they gone with her, stayed with you, or split time between you and her?

If they've stayed with you, meaning she voluntarily left them with you, that should be a major factor in your favor should it ever come down to a custody dispute.

I agree, your parenting history versus hers will mean something, though we've learned court can too often be utterly clueless and stuck on default preferences and default policies so don't be too confident court will pay attention to the historical facts..

She says she is not moving out until forced to (I assume when divorce is finalized). My attorney told me absolutely do not move out or start dating. Her behavior is baffling and even after all these years still cuts me to the core.

I totally agree with your attorney.  If you moved out it would be too easy for her to "keep the kids in the only home they've ever known, after all, their dad left them".  While the court could potentially order dad to be the one to move out, but her historical pattern of moving out to live with other guys should be enough to reduce that risk.

Let me expound on an admittedly generalized scenario.  Most often men are the ones to be will to wander away from the kids and start another relationship elsewhere.  On the other hand, women are most likely to cling to their kids, almost as an extension of themselves to control and sometimes even parentify.  (Most cases members describe here are of that sort.)

Yet there are exceptions to possessive mothers, and yours sounds like she may be one, where the spouse/mother wanders away and places more attention on the new adult relationship than parenting the children.  Is that the case here?

Last thought... Historically, the most common and acceptable reason to end a marriage is infidelity.  You did not have to accept her back into your marriage, not even once.  You may have perceived it as the least bad option for you, but you can now look back and wonder how you ever let her leave and return so many times.  That's the past, nothing to change there, but you can change your future.  Look forward.