To wish happy New Years?

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

My story can be found in my other posts. Short version, abandoned by BPD wife of 5 years in September. She told me not to contact her except about divorce, but called a few weeks ago and we had a long and deep conversation including her saying maybe we can work it out and she misses me and is sad and “loves me just isn’t in love with me at that moment,” it’s not my fault, she had to leave instead of kill herself, etc. I mostly just listened and told her I miss her too and tried to validate her as much as possible. No real contact since then.

New Years is a big holiday in her culture, and we always spent it together. I really want to wish her and her family a happy New Years, do I? Or do I give her space?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WhatToDo47]

Also, she filed for divorce on 12/7 but she told me that that’s just the first step to us starting over, and I haven’t been served anything, also our conversation mentioned above was after that by a few days, so not sure what to do with that.

[At Bay]

If she ignores your greeting, would you feel worse?

I, personally, try to avoid mixed messages. On the one hand, you've been told she filed for divorce followed by that odd conversation of her's.

If it were I, the decision would be that the ball is in her court. This is wait and see time and self-care for yourself. Whether she gets wished a happy new year is her problem.

Full disclosure: I've been married 50 ys and am tired of all the back and forth in my own life, so you could consider my opinion affected by that.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you and that helps a lot. Honestly, right now I would want her to ignore my message. To see it so she knows I still care, but that’s it.

The ball is definitely in her court. It seems like she would probably be receptive to the message right now, but I’m worried she would be a little too receptive and it would turn into a drama.

As someone who’s been married 50 years, would you try to reconcile if you were in my shoes? I know everyone’s situation is different, but I’d value your take. We don’t have any kids right now, so if we get back together and do it could become much  more complicated. But I miss her so much and love her.

Does anyone have experience with not wishing a pwBPD a happy holiday/burthday/etc and that being the death knell of the relationship?

[At Bay]

I'm very sorry to delay replying-- holidays, and I just logged back on.

There was a time when I was in your shoes, before we had our son, but my dbpdh was good at convincing me his blowups were regretted. He had only recently shown his temper when I said the long distance bills for him to call his mother a lot were very high. He immediately pulled the phone out of the wall to teach me not to object to anything, I guess. I recall the phone repairman telling me it took a lot of strength to pull this thing out of the wall, and looking back, I wondered if a stranger cared that h that had done that. People do care how your are being treated.


It wasn't until we had our first and only child that he turned up the antics and uncaring attitude. Similar things to what I described above to intimidate me, but never around our son. Around other people, he was a con artist, and had a good job by fooling them also.

My former therapist asked how h could avoid showing his son the personality change, and it was when our son was outside playing, visiting relatives, and in school especially, because h rotated 3 shifts at work and was home in the daytime 2 mos. out of 3pt day shift, creating scenes and drama every 4 wks followed by the honeymoon period which is the pattern of abuse.

I decided if I got h into therapy, he would wise up to what he was causing. He even attended group therapy for abusive personalities after I assured him that sooner or later he was going to get himself arrested as well as divorced, spoiling the image he'd worked hard on.

Then ten yrs of therapy with the former director of a counseling service for abusers. He did improve a lot although was not above threatening to get really mad, which was ignored without any scenes.

To answer your questing about leaving: I should have left before my parents passed away as they could have provided moral support, when my job skills were relevant although I later learned how to use computers with my son's help and on a part-time job, and also when I'd stopped covering for h to a couple relatives.

Now, it becomes reasons to leave vs health problems. I follow Radical Acceptance advice I learned on this forum. The things I have control over go very well and h's failures are not my failures. I only escape loneliness as that is a pain hard to describe. Men have more options if they want to re-marry or have a partner. Stay happy and busy!

You'll want to see all your options as there are many considerate, emotionally-mature and stable people out there wanting companionship and love that they will return. Just don't wait too long as the time of good health has an end for most people and convenience and a good life become someone to take you to the doctor or be with you at the hospital. I'm not kidding. Child moves away (2,000 mi.) and, anyway, kids have their own responsibilities, struggles and needs.

Thank you for asking.

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

No need to apologize for the slow reply. I really appreciated reading your story and thank you for the encouragement. I ended up not texting her happy new years, and I honestly don't think it made a difference. I am glad I didn't. I am tired of the abuse and mind games.

I have posted a lot recently, as she seems to be ramping up for a recycle attempt, I've been starting various threads in conflicted. If you want to read some of them and reply, I would appreciate your perspective. But if you're busy or don't want to, no offense taken.

I will keep your story and advice in mind and re-read it as I decide what to do.  Have a wonderful and happy weekend!