You are right on target with believing in yourself and not taking responsibility for another adult’s choices.
That said, it’s hard when faced with constant blame and criticism to not question yourself, but doing so, can be a sign of good mental health.
Typically people with BPD are filled with so much shame and self-loathing that they project these feelings upon their loved ones, because it is too overwhelming. This is another reason why he is addicted to weed. Smoking pot keeps him from confronting all the issues that we humans need to deal with. And, from my experience, both personally and as a partner to someone who had a substance abuse problem, keeps one emotionally stuck in perpetuity.
It’s no wonder that he’s triggered by your genuine friendships with people outside of your family. He probably feels unequipped to participate and it’s as though you having feelings for others takes away from the supply you have for him. (I know it makes no sense, but BPD is based upon feelings, not rationality.)
Counseling for you would be extremely helpful. Don’t hold your breath about him participating in counseling. It requires much time commitment to see improvement as well as willingness to look at one’s dark side, which is very difficult for people with BPD.
Many members here have found great support in attending various 12 step groups, such as CODA (codependents anonymous), which are free and can be found online. You might try checking out one or more of these groups to see if you find resonance there.
