She's reading relationship books & going to counseling... ON HER OWN

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I vacillate between this board and the bettering board. On some days my compassion for my spouse and her struggles overwhelm me and I want to do what is necessary to be together. And then on other days, my logical mind tells me that I deserve a healthier relationship.

Either way, my spouse told me this week that she is filing for divorce and I want to have the chance to use some of the tools I've learned on here but also do I do that at the detriment of my already tattered self. She's told her family and friends we are getting a divorce but hasn't really made many moves in that direction. I do believe that she has gone too far and has almost backed herself into a corner where she must follow through with the divorce, whether I do everything she wants or not, which is disheartening that she'd rather be accountable and look good to them than to me her spouse. Right now, we are separated due to work requirements; however, for kicks and giggles how would I go about reeling her back to the place where she remembers what we had? To a place where we can be together? I am working on radical acceptance so I know that she can only be her and I must accept that, but how can I accept that if she is not giving me the chance.

I also just found out that she has started seeking behavioral health and reading relationship books... But she didn't tell me any of that, I had to find out by myself. This is something she has never done while we were together, I had to beg her to go to counseling and when we did go, she only went a few times then "life needs my attention more than the time I am putting into counseling..." But now she is doing it by herself, this worries me even more. What if she isn't dysregulated anymore and this is really her leaving? She's told all her family and friends we are getting a divorce but hasn't really made many moves in that direction. I do believe that she has gone too far and has almost backed herself into a corner where she must follow through with the divorce.

I hate BPD!

[DogMom2019]

I vacillate between this board and the bettering board. On some days my compassion for my spouse and her struggles overwhelm me and I want to do what is necessary to be together. And then on other days, my logical mind tells me that I deserve a healthier relationship.

Either way, my spouse told me this week that she is filing for divorce and I want to have the chance to use some of the tools I've learned on here but also do I do that at the detriment of my already tattered self. She's told her family and friends we are getting a divorce but hasn't really made many moves in that direction. I do believe that she has gone too far and has almost backed herself into a corner where she must follow through with the divorce, whether I do everything she wants or not, which is disheartening that she'd rather be accountable and look good to them than to me her spouse. Right now, we are separated due to work requirements; however, for kicks and giggles how would I go about reeling her back to the place where she remembers what we had? To a place where we can be together? I am working on radical acceptance so I know that she can only be her and I must accept that, but how can I accept that if she is not giving me the chance.

I also just found out that she has started seeking behavioral health and reading relationship books... But she didn't tell me any of that, I had to find out by myself. This is something she has never done while we were together, I had to beg her to go to counseling and when we did go, she only went a few times then "life needs my attention more than the time I am putting into counseling..." But now she is doing it by herself, this worries me even more. What if she isn't dysregulated anymore and this is really her leaving? She's told all her family and friends we are getting a divorce but hasn't really made many moves in that direction. I do believe that she has gone too far and has almost backed herself into a corner where she must follow through with the divorce.

I hate BPD!

[ForeverDad]

Is this her first divorce?  Her prior relationships failed but were any of them divorces in court actions and not just split-ups?

If this is her first time in domestic court then this would probably be daunting to her.

Don't be too hopeful here, as in the realistic sense.  She may have started down the right path but you can't be sure why.  Will she stick to therapy sessions or quit after a few?  More important, will she apply meaningful therapy in her perceptions, behaviors and life?  Time will reveal more.