I’m so angry with him, but I still don’t want to hurt him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I told my husband a few weeks ago that I wanted a divorce.  He started being super nice afterwards.  Calling me honey and sweetheart, saying that he loved me.  Even started making the bed.  Is it normal for this to make me so mad?  I’ve been keeping it in, since that’s what I normally do, but really I just want to scream at him.  I’ve given up on the relationship.  I don’t have any more forgiveness left in me.  I’m so angry and fed up with all the ups and downs.  We are still living together.  He is trying to find an apartment, but so far he can’t find anything… or so he says. 
We still haven’t told our kids that we are getting a divorce and it feels crappy to be keeping it from them.  He wants to be there when we tell them, which I think is fair enough, but the timing never seems right.  Since we haven’t told the kids, we are still sleeping in the same bed. 
I’m trying to be reasonable, but I just want him to move out.
I gave him divorce papers to sign.  He took them, but hasn’t signed them.  Turned it back on me that I was being hurtful by pushing. 
I’m trying to be assertive, but it is not in my nature and I find it very stressful.  I’m worried that since he knows this about me, that he’s using it to prolong things in the hope that I will back down and things will go back to normal.  (Which was horrible for many years).
Is there a happy medium?  Is it possible to divorce someone with BPD and not have it get nasty?  I’m trying to play nice for the kids sake, but I’m having a harder and harder time controlling my anger and frustration.  Any advice?

[B2]

So, I told my husband a few weeks ago that I wanted a divorce.  He started being super nice afterwards.  Calling me honey and sweetheart, saying that he loved me.  Even started making the bed.  Is it normal for this to make me so mad?  I’ve been keeping it in, since that’s what I normally do, but really I just want to scream at him.  I’ve given up on the relationship.  I don’t have any more forgiveness left in me.  I’m so angry and fed up with all the ups and downs.  We are still living together.  He is trying to find an apartment, but so far he can’t find anything… or so he says. 
We still haven’t told our kids that we are getting a divorce and it feels crappy to be keeping it from them.  He wants to be there when we tell them, which I think is fair enough, but the timing never seems right.  Since we haven’t told the kids, we are still sleeping in the same bed. 
I’m trying to be reasonable, but I just want him to move out.
I gave him divorce papers to sign.  He took them, but hasn’t signed them.  Turned it back on me that I was being hurtful by pushing. 
I’m trying to be assertive, but it is not in my nature and I find it very stressful.  I’m worried that since he knows this about me, that he’s using it to prolong things in the hope that I will back down and things will go back to normal.  (Which was horrible for many years).
Is there a happy medium?  Is it possible to divorce someone with BPD and not have it get nasty?  I’m trying to play nice for the kids sake, but I’m having a harder and harder time controlling my anger and frustration.  Any advice?

[SinisterComplex]

Hey B2 I think you will receive better responses here on this board. Since you are not divorced this board will bring in more open minded responses from members who are in your shoes or who have been in your shoes.

If you have questions please let me know.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[15years]

I'm mostly replying to this to push this thread to the top of the page so the more experienced posters notice it.

To answer your question, I think I wrote in another one of your posts that I think in this case that playing it nice isn't possible with the outcome you're looking for. By playing it nice you're giving him confidence that this strategy of his is working, and it might be true because it is tiring and you may feel that giving up is the most comfortable choice.

Can anyone else here suggest a next step for B2?

[livednlearned]

He started being super nice afterwards.  Calling me honey and sweetheart, saying that he loved me.  Even started making the bed.  Is it normal for this to make me so mad?

Radical acceptance of the disorder is part of managing our own emotions, but in my experience, it's tough to get there when you've been broken down for many years living with abuse and well, insanity.

From what you've shared here, your husband seems to experience very clear episodes of splitting. Does that seem accurate? If so, that could mean he is trying to appease you when you're angry without understanding that his behaviors are the cause (too much shame in doing so).

Because he is not truly grasping the cause, you are left with behaviors that might be nice in theory but feel invalidating given the source of your distress and his ability to take ownership. It can feel very much like living with two different people, altho this is not always true -- towards the end of my marriage my husband split me black and we stayed there indefinitely. There were no "tender cycles," just more or less contempt and disdain directed towards me with periodic stretches of simmering tolerance.  

Radical acceptance of the disorder and the symptoms your husband experiences will also help you focus on what you can control and what you cannot. He is likely going to stonewall. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.

Talk is cheap  

As angry as he gets, as erratic as he behaves, as irrational or impulsive or abusive he may be, he is afflicted by the disorder -- he's on a nightmare emotional roller coaster and he's barely hanging on. Someone so tortured will not willingly want to give up marriage. He has also learned that talk = talk. Discussion of divorce has led to ... sleeping together. This isn't irrational to someone like your husband.

Two thoughts come to mind -- whether one or the other or both apply depends on what your husband is like.

One is that he is using this time to placate you so that he can get lawyers organized. This has happened to members here. Or, since you mention abduction, he is figuring out how to get your child out of the country.

Two is that he knows you aren't assertive and is acutely aware of your Achilles heel. He may stonewall and obstruct as a form of aggression, knowing that you struggle with assertiveness.

It's possible he is doing both.

What are your thoughts, knowing him as well as you do?

[B2]

He definitely knows it’s very difficult for me to be assertive and is taking advantage of that.  I know he doesn’t want to move out, anytime I push he accuses me of being a horrible, nasty person and can’t I just give him more time to figure things out.  He is using a lack of money as an excuse, so this morning I told him I thought we should sell our house and split the equity, which would make things significantly easier on both of us.  He got angry at me for throwing this at him when he has to work all day today and said he doesn’t want to talk about it until Sunday, when he has a day off. 

I’m not handling the stress of this very well.  I seem to alternate between super angry and depressed now.  I’m struggling with health issues that I thought I had beaten and I know its all related to the stress.  My stomach hurts pretty much all the time now.  I’m taking supplements, meditating and exercising in an effort to cope, but ultimately I need to know that he will move out.  I tried to talk to him about my health, and he cut me off, saying he can’t deal with it right now.  He still hasn’t given me a date to move out and has no idea of where he will go.  He tells me he’s looking, but has yet to actually go and look at any apartments.

The last place he shared with me was such a dump, I would be afraid to let my kids go there.  He knows I would never want him living in there.  The whole thing is incredibly frustrating.