Scared. I just don't know this woman anymore

[BeyondFair]

I am at my wits end.

My partner is getting more and more violent towards me and I feel I just can't get away. Everything has to be her way and she never seems to be accountable for anything.  She denies what she does to me like it's never happened and makes me believe I've imagined it.  I'm not allowed to discuss what she does but she constantly brings up things I've told her in private.  She's gone on Facebook and contacted my exs and done all she can to alienate me from people I know.  I've encountered gaslighting, projection and been verbally attacked repeatedly.   I feel ugly, worthless,  pathetic and stupid and just 'not a man'.  I have to show her my phone when she accuses me of having affairs when I'm not.  I'm just not living anymore I'm existing.

Last year she was arrested for hitting me repeatedly which at that point wasn't a one off. So much so I once recorded her doing so and because of the level of her screaming at me the neighbours contacted the police. She was told to leave the property and in the end the police had to take her away. They came back to my house and I showed them the video. They immediately radioed in and got her arrested where they dropped her off. She was bailed to not contact me for a month.

Like an idiot I took her back after she promised to change. She didn't. She would constantly accuse me of cheating with no evidence, get in my face or just punch me in the face or grab my testicles and squeeze. Now here's the bit I'm not proud of, after she punched me in the face a few times after one of her usual episodes I just hit back out, I don't even know where it came from in me but I did and I'm ashamed.

Now tonight after pouring a drink on my head, grabbing a vinegar bottle and pouring it over my head and then reaching for a pan and wacking it across my body, using a wooden spoon against me and repeatability punching me in the face I know this woman could actually kill me. The problem is that she now thinks she has the moral high ground because I snapped after repeated abuse. The names she calls me you wouldn't believe. But I feel stupid because I am, I brought this all on myself, I took her back.  She does apologise occasionally but her apologies are transient,  she can start again within minutes if I say the wrong thing.

Why do I think she is BPD? Just the books I bought on the subject resonates so much. The intense rage, the abandonment issues, the delusions it just fits.

However I now feel totally trapped, she's told me if I leave her she'll report me to the police and because of my stupid retaliation I'm more than likely screwed. When she hits me now she just mentions that I hit back once and its all my fault.  I'm not a 'real man' as I 'hit her' and I deserve everything.   'Everyone hates me' and they'll all believe her.

Now I'm in my bed whilst she is downstairs after hitting me repeatedly again and I'm scared when I hear her walking up the stairs. I'm a man for gods sake and I genuinely fear for my safety.  Even as I write this I find myself hiding my phone in case she finds out.  I have never experienced rage like what she shows in my life and just about anything sets her off.  The violence is definitely escalating and help for her is not an option, she denies any accountability.

[ForeverDad]

Last year she was arrested for hitting me repeatedly...She was bailed to not contact me for a month.

Like an idiot I took her back after she promised to change. She didn't.

If you were an idiot, then you'll have a lot of company here.  You're like us Good Guys and Good Gals.  So don't feel too bad.

The problem is you believed the promises before you had proof by actions long term.  Promises versus Proof demonstrated over time.

When my ex was arrested for threatening me the police officer specifically warned me not to recant my report or get back with her again.  He said if I did it would get even more worse.  That's what you experienced, it got worse for you, she felt enabled that you would be trapped from doing that again.

Did she record whatever it was that you said or did?  Or did you write a "confession" in a letter, email or text?  If not, then if you ever have the wisdom to get some legal consultations with experienced family law attorneys (doing so privately and confidentially) then they may likely assure you you don't have to volunteer that you did anything you regret doing.  You have the right to remain silent.*  While it may be that courts often are willing to err (make a mistake) in favor of women, if there's no documentation then they're limited in how far they can go.

* My lawyer told me that his first task as an attorney was to sit on his clients so they wouldn't talk and make his job even more difficult than it already was.  An experienced attorney will know what is safe to say versus what is dangerous to say.

Also my experience when in court, and others here had similar experiences, was that the court wasn't interested in "incidents" older than six months before a case was started.  I believe the legal term is "stale".  Maybe they'll accept incidents older than that to document a pattern of poor behaviors but most domestic courts are swamped and disinterested to taking time to dig into old history.  I concluded that the court's perspective is that if it was that serious to mention then it should have been brought to court sooner.

So, a big question is whether this incident that has you so worried is (1) less than 6 months ago and (2) whether any documentation of it exists.  If you're still worried and feeling trapped then get some legal advice in inexpensive consultations.  But very important... keep them totally private and confidential, tell no one, wait for your lawyer to advice when it is okay to tell your family or most trusted friends.  Loose lips sink ships.  This applies especially to your spouse, whose main goal is to sabotage and control you.

And beware of those late night interrogations when your ex demands confessions, "No sleep until we fix it tonight."  You have a right to remain silent.

[15years]

Just wanted to say hi, because I'm currently living in a physically violent relationship as well. The violence started one year ago after a relationship crisis started. There are both real and imagined guilt involved.


"I feel ugly, worthless,  pathetic and stupid and just 'not a man'"

I used to feel like this every time she told me so, but I've very recently changed my view of myself drastically, posting here has helped A LOT! You may feel guilty for posting here initially, but over time that guilt will turn into a feeling of self respect.

In a strange way, I have longed for her to attack me, because it validates the feeling that 'she isn't normal'. I'm still partly at that point but I'm starting to feel that maybe I don't need it. I have made it clear to her that I don't accept violence from her. She says I'm not a real man when I "excuse myself" (run) from violence. I really don't agree.

Being active on this forum gives me another perspective and strengthens my own perspective, compared to before when her perspective was the dominant one in MY mind. I think that this could be the path forward where you wouldn't feel ugly, worthless, pathetic and stupid and just 'not a man'.

[BeyondFair]

Thank you both for your replies.  Today she did it again.  She hit me in the face repeatedly and threw an ornament at me causing my face and ear to bleed.  Blood all over the duvet.  She turns into a monster at time and uses whatever is at hand to attack me including her fists.

I retaliated about a week ago after being struck in the face multiple times and being called a wimp.  It was a flight or fight response but since then she's escalated and uses it against me to hit me more pointing to the one time I retaliated as an excuse.

[Kayteelouwho]

Hello  

I can completely understand that you feel that way from someone telling you that continuously, Look on the tools page to find you start rebuilding confidence back into your self. I Personally didn't find that as I was often dazed by the next conflict that came or how it related to anything it never did untill I left and started to feel safe again. My ex bpd had some stalking also or following my family Facebook accounts, I don't use it but would track me down anywhere,

I was also at my wits end and got to the point of not feeling save. You have the right to feel save,  You have the right not to fear and you don't have to take it from anyone.

So first question do you want to be in a realationship still with this person or try to learn how to deal with the bpd

On many occasions now I look back he was untreated, If he did that to me the first time two it's probably going to happen again I also believed it would be okay and get better my situation didn't and also ended up with the police and running away hidden with no contact and also had the police tell me never to go back and I remember sat on the chair crying feeling like a failure for several reasons, and I asked him why? don't know why I asked that question but I did and the only clear thing I heard that day was because it got to the point I had my own flaws ( I thought I could help people)
I also am stubborn at times. and like my space I'm not co dependent and that I struggled alot with.  and I'm not a jealous person at all. so of some of those things we wasn't really compatible either.

Don't worry about your retaliation when I went to the police and needed help I had alot of bruises panicking and in a mess and I talk alot when I'm nervous another my flaw anyways it was like verbal vomit from the survey they did and accessed my situation I then remember all things and told him pretty much everything I did to retaliate but I had to get him out of my home as he was trying to take my son  they aren't his children.

My point is you have strength, you aren't those things, and your not alone we have all been through something similar, I found on here alot has helped me. and also just having others understand helps. start rebuilding you. Then think of what you truly want and look at the tools page and read some other posts.

Take care

[2020]

Hello BeyondFair,

Welcome to this part of the internet where we get to discuss these difficult topics. I am sorry to hear of your current predicament and I can relate to much of what you are experiencing. My partner is very similar. The police have been involved on several occasions in my situation. My partner was recently issued an order not to be at this house within 12 hours of her last drink. Last Friday she was arrested for breaching this order and now has to keep 100 meters away from this house. I have not seen or heard from her since she was taken away. She was released apparently Saturday morning and is probably 200km with her sister.

You know, this physical violence is on another level. In my case it went from verbal abuse and false accusations, to breaking things, to assault. I have had cups smashed on my face, my nose bitten, eyes gouged, chest mauled. I have retaliated too and felt so very bad afterwards. With my partner, alcohol has always been a constant in every violent interaction, often resulting in police or ambulance intervention. Is this similar in your case?

When I think about it, my entire life has been like this. The question is, what do we do about it? I don’t like reporting the person I love (or am trying to love) to the police. I also don’t think arresting someone who has mental health problems is an ideal solution. Can you get away when this happens? Tell her you are leaving until the morning because you don’t want a violent interaction between you? What do you think?

[Mommeredith81]

"However I now feel totally trapped, she's told me if I leave her she'll report me to the police and because of my stupid retaliation I'm more than likely screwed. When she hits me now she just mentions that I hit back once and its all my fault.  I'm not a 'real man' as I 'hit her' and I deserve everything. 'Everyone hates me' and they'll all believe her."

She has you believing this because you're so close to her, but to most of those on the outside, she was already in jail for hitting you, and you've recorded it. If you only hit back one time (and it wasn't serious) it seems to me that wouldn't be the biggest issue.

It sounds like you really tried. Keep documenting. Don't worry about "being a man," you're human. Just be kind and set appropriate boundaries. And keep documenting so you don't stay out of fear.

[BeyondFair]

The violence is indeed on another level.  The rage is undiscriable its like nothing I've ever seen or encountered from anyone let alone a woman.  I don't know if it's gaslighting or lack of accountability but when I try and explain how I feel she'll just talk and talk and talk over me just saying nonsense to block out my words.  It does feel like dissociation.  She'll deny hitting me and say she never touched me even though there's only us in the room and we both know the truth.  This makes me more scared than the actual violence as it sinks on more and more that she is mentally unstable.  The DCI that interviewed her told me over the phone that its the worse abuse he has seen in his twenty years from a women and during interview it was quite clear to him she was mentally unstable.  He pleaded with me not to go back to her but I did.

I can't even be sexually close to her anymore as I feel totally disconnected to her now but unfortunately that gives validation to her that I'm now having an affair.  Wherever I go on my own she accuses me of going to see 'a slut' and it makes her even more angry.  Everything that goes wrong is my fault,  I'm to blame and I'm a narcissist that doesn't care about her and her feelings.  All her friends believe her and she's done her best to pull all my support away from me.

Alcohol is totally not present but gambling is.

[kells76]

BeyondFair, there's a lot going on in your relationship. Your safety is really important, and we believe you about what's going on.

Have you ever heard of the "MOSAIC" assessment? I believe it was designed by Gavin de Becker, who wrote the book "The Gift of Fear" (about listening to our gut, in brief). It's a tool that can help you understand the relative safety and danger level of your relationship. What's happening is domestic violence, so it's important to know how to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe.

You can check out the MOSAIC tool here:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

In your situation, you would click on the "Domestic Violence, Female Offender" button.

Keep us posted if that seems helpful and how it goes.

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Many of our new members are hesitant about recording since in the USA some states, no more than a dozen, are "two party consent".  However, an important aspect to consider is that abuse (whether domestic violence or child abuse) voids that requirement.

Also, my perspective is don't wave a phone or other recording device in front of the other person.  It could end up triggering overreactions and creating an incident.

[BeyondFair]

BeyondFair, there's a lot going on in your relationship. Your safety is really important, and we believe you about what's going on.

I know a few have said this but for some reason it makes me feel sane when I'm believed.  It's like I doubt myself with what she says.   I know it's gaslighting but it works.  I question myself.

Yes, waving a phone wouldn't be a wise move.

Thanks everyone

[2020]

BeyondFair, I believe you. I have had the exact same things in my relationship. Talking over me to block my words. Accusations of having an affair. She has used the word ‘sluts’ too. I have been told I am still seeing my sons’ mother. That I am sexually of a preference I am not. I get called a narcissist too, or a psychopath. I have been stripped of any connection with family or friends over the duration of this relationship. And now she has these people believing this nonsense and I am left alone and isolated.

I normally post in the ‘bettering a relationship’ section. I’m questioning if this is possible anymore. I hope you get a change in your circumstances. It sounds like you are in the thick of it. Virtually hand to hand combat, trench warfare. It’s hard to go on like this, isn’t it?

[ThanksForPlaying]

BF - sorry you're going through this.

I got an emergency protective order against my girlfriend a month ago, and I took our baby and moved out while she was in jail overnight. Years of verbal abuse. Cheating accusations. She destroyed my car, writing 'liar' and 'cheater' all over it. She later justified it by saying "well I FELT like you were emotionally cheating". Years ago, she slashed up my entire closet full of clothes with a knife - I don't remember why - possibly phantom cheating allegations then too. She hit me for the first time a couple months ago - violence was escalating from threats to actions. I recorded it, but even watching back the recording, I told myself "it doesn't look as bad as I thought" and "you can't really see it on the recording". My lawyer advised me that I could get a protective order even without the recording. I didn't.

A month ago, she came home drunk and punched me in the balls while I was holding the baby. That somehow gave me the strength I needed to call police - and it was still an agonizing process. It still is - I'm still dealing with it every day. I still don't feel totally safe, because my address is on the protective order. But distance is helping me see things clearer and helping my brain to process things differently. And I'm feeling a little stronger and a little safer and a little more like my old self every day.

She still tells me constantly that I'm "doing this to her", even though it's simply the legal consequences of her own actions.

I guess my point is that I believe you. I also understand why you find it difficult to leave - although I think you are starting to see how things might be better for you if you did leave. Time and distance can give your brain and body a chance to heal.

Keep yourself safe.

TFP

[2020]

ThanksForPlaying, that is a sad tale indeed. I too have had my car damaged and sleeves chopped of a suit she bought me. These experiences are so similar that you’d swear these people were made in the same factory somewhere. Still, I can’t help feeling how hard life must be for them.

So you are now taking a break as it were, or is this the end permanently? Are you still on some kind of speaking terms?

Edit: I have just read a few of your other posts. I see the situation you are in. I’m sorry this is happening in your life. It is all very difficult, isn’t it?