Can we be friends after divorce?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about whether to divorce my suspected BPD wife. I’ve felt much lighter since we have been apart and moved out of the house last weekend. My instinct tells me this ‘not walking on eggshells’ feeling is telling.

Is there a possibility of friendship after divorce? My wife wants to continue the marriage, will accept my decision if I leave, but that she won’t engage in the divorce process for ‘months’.

I start a new job next month and she knows how much I will earn. The cynic in me thinks that this is part of the motivation. The human in me, who stills loves her, wants to try to alleviate her abandonment fears by suggesting I’ll be a resource for her and play a role in her life if that’s what she wants (she says I prompted her to start looking into her past and begin her healing journey).

Is this future friendship realistic? I need to protect myself (for once!) but it is also a wrench to make the cold decision of serving divorce papers knowing she will make it contentious.

Have any of you tried to talk things through at this stage with any success?

[SenorPlaya]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about whether to divorce my suspected BPD wife. I’ve felt much lighter since we have been apart and moved out of the house last weekend. My instinct tells me this ‘not walking on eggshells’ feeling is telling.

Is there a possibility of friendship after divorce? My wife wants to continue the marriage, will accept my decision if I leave, but that she won’t engage in the divorce process for ‘months’.

I start a new job next month and she knows how much I will earn. The cynic in me thinks that this is part of the motivation. The human in me, who stills loves her, wants to try to alleviate her abandonment fears by suggesting I’ll be a resource for her and play a role in her life if that’s what she wants (she says I prompted her to start looking into her past and begin her healing journey).

Is this future friendship realistic? I need to protect myself (for once!) but it is also a wrench to make the cold decision of serving divorce papers knowing she will make it contentious.

Have any of you tried to talk things through at this stage with any success?

[PeteWitsend]

Talk to a divorce lawyer NOW.

$5 says she's already figured out that in a few months she's entitled to more $$$ from you than if you filed for divorce now, and that's the only reason she's being accepting of your decision and asking you to delay the divorce proceedings.

In my experience, one of the practical consequences of their "fear of abandonment" is that they are PLANNING for divorce before you're even considering it. 

[ForeverDad]

Ready for the bad news?  Sorry, the typical pattern is that you can't be friends with an ex-spouse with BPD.  Sure, with distance and less contact the problems will appear less intense...  but the core issues of BPD are still there.

My story, we had a child (unlike you) so custody and parenting issues made everything vastly more complicated.  I separated when my son was still 3 years old, a preschooler.  She had favorable temp orders for two years so she shut me out as much as possible.  There was about 8 years of conflict which subsided when I had both custody and majority parenting time.  The past 8 years with my son, now an adult, were surprising calm but I always was careful not to trigger the overreactions simmering beneath the surface.

BPD is most evident in close relationships.  Likely the emotional baggage of past years together won't let her set that past aside to listen to you.

[ForeverDad]

You've been married less than a year.  Spousal support during the divorce may or may not be ordered, but alimony is extremely unlikely.

A factor related to the visa may be the short length of marriage.  In decades past short marriages were scrutinized whether they were pretenses to get a foothold into the country.  The current administration appears to not care about such matters.

[SenorPlaya]

Thanks all for the reality check. I’m a lawyer myself so I do have to put my lawyer hat on. I’m speaking to a divorce lawyer this week. It seems the only viable option at this point, sadly, is to serve divorce papers asap and go from there. She did say during the marriage a couple of times ‘I’d you divorce me, you better pay me a lot of money’. So Pete, your advice is helpful - sorry you went through that if you did.

I may email saying that I am willing to meet, with friends present, if she accepts that divorce is happening now, not in several months’ time. If she accepts that (unlikely) then at least the process may be more amicable. If not, it’ll be unfortunate but c’est la vie.

As a lawyer told me yesterday, you may emotionally feel like sugar coating a divorce with ‘but I’ll still stay in your life’ may help with abandonment, but nothing screams abandonment more than divorcing someone within a year. He has a point.

On the immigration side, I have a text admission and apology for violence, and a email from her that she acknowledges that the marriage wasn’t fraudulent and that I’ve done my best. Adding to my own knowledge of my own intentions, and the photos/joint bank accounts/credit cards etc,  I’m not so concerned about immigration stuff. I’ll just go back to the UK in any case!

Really appreciate the responses. This forum is a really great resource.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree. Friendships with exBPD spouses are like unicorns—often spoken about, but never seen.

Typically once a divorce is in progress, you’ll see behavior you never imagined in your worst nightmares, so buckle up.

[NotAHero]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about whether to divorce my suspected BPD wife. I’ve felt much lighter since we have been apart and moved out of the house last weekend. My instinct tells me this ‘not walking on eggshells’ feeling is telling.

Is there a possibility of friendship after divorce? My wife wants to continue the marriage, will accept my decision if I leave, but that she won’t engage in the divorce process for ‘months’.

I start a new job next month and she knows how much I will earn. The cynic in me thinks that this is part of the motivation. The human in me, who stills loves her, wants to try to alleviate her abandonment fears by suggesting I’ll be a resource for her and play a role in her life if that’s what she wants (she says I prompted her to start looking into her past and begin her healing journey).

Is this future friendship realistic? I need to protect myself (for once!) but it is also a wrench to make the cold decision of serving divorce papers knowing she will make it contentious.

Have any of you tried to talk things through at this stage with any success?

 If they were capable of being friendly to you you wouldn’t be divorcing them. Once the divorce happen you want to put as much distance between you and her as you can. That way you will protect yourself from recycling. Since you are divorcing take a look at the detachment boards. I was on this board six months ago and thought the act of separating was the worst part. I was wrong, it is still bad to this day. Then again my relationship was 5 years and we have a kid. Your nightmare may end with the divorce decree.