Repeating explosions... I could use some help

[thecrusader]

It's been a while since my last post.  I've read five books on being in a relationship with someone with BPD.  We are not married but we have shared commitment rings.  Not sure it matters but she is a woman and I am a man.
We are doing couples counseling and she talks to a personal counselor herself.  I do as well, as I have for many years - both traditional cognitive therapist and a spiritual advisor/coach.  I'm very spiritual.

First, her personal counselor is just a social worker and basically their sessions are about my partner unloading about the bitterness she feels in her life.  They haven't even remotely touched on her route causes.  Our couples therapist strongly recommended that she seek a trauma specialist, which I think would be great, but she has yet to do so. 

Meanwhile, when my "fuel tank" is full I can be very patient, understanding and compassionate about her episodes of extreme unregulated emotions - her eruptions about extremely trivial matters.  When this happens I refer to this as her being in "the zone" - she goes from extremely loving and kind and sweet to an outright vicious monster, screaming, breaking things, insulting, berating, etc., in a literal blink of an eye.  I try my best to stay calm and patient, but she knows what she's doing and she keeps pushing and screaming in my face until I lose it.  Then I feel guilty and I am always the one that reaches out to her to make amends first.  She never does that or says I'm sorry. 

Lately, there has not been enough recovery time in between episodes and my fuel tank is staying empty.  She is constantly threatening to end the relationship.  I'm so torn.  I really do love her and I want to help, but I don't know how much more I can take of it.  Every episode she says and does things that hurt to the core, and the constant threat of leaving triggers my abandonment fears.  What can I do? 

 

[So many questions]

Hey friend,

I was right where you were at last year. Things were great and then I caught her in a massive lie. That was it.

I spent pretty much the entire summer and fall walking on eggshells. I too, developed a fuel tank, and began to not take her outbursts personal. I had no idea about BPD. But I loved her, and wanted to try whatever I could to make it work. She would admit something was wrong mentally, but never sought help.

But my attempts didn’t matter. No matter what I did, how little I expressed my emotions, nothing worked. The outbursts just got worse, the things she said even more hurtful and personal. I would get broken up with every few days, she might disappear, and the next day “I’m sorry I didn’t mean anything I said I’m just going through it” then love bomb me. I’d end up having to apologize and comfort her for an entire day while she cried and sulked. Pushing my emotions to the side. It was a routine. I was her BPD doormat.

Right up until our catastrophic ending in which she had a psychological breakdown. I tried to stop it and it just made things so much worse. Now, she paints me as abusive to everyone.

If you want my opinion, leave. In the nicest, most loving way possible. She will explode. It’s okay. Record it. Tell her you love her but have to be selfish for once.

Then go no contact for 2 weeks. She will lose her mind. But her colors will show.

Right now she probably doesn’t have another solid option. Since she can’t be alone, she stays and that fuels so much anger.

If you stay, this will continue until you are completely empty on fuel. And you will react, and she will use that to truly end things. And you will be devastated. She will too, until she finds a replacement. 

Then you will be back at this board. Ruminating on her intoxicating good side.

Get out if you’re thinking about it. I had the same thoughts for months and not having self worth nearly ruined my life.

[thecrusader]

Thank you for your reply my friend, and thank you for calling me friend.  It means a lot at this time to communicate with someone who truly understands.  Your words really hit home. 

She has done the love/gaslighting, rage/explosion/attack, abandonment/break-up cycle to me countless times.  One of my biggest psychological triggers stemming from my childhood is abandonment going back to when my Dad moved out and none of my brothers and sisters were there to help support me deal with my alcoholic Mom and learning disabled little sister.  It was a lot to put on a 15 year old. 

Those cycles have really done a number on my self-esteem and self-worth.  I actually thought I had come to a pretty decent place on all that just before I met her.  It's been such a destructive and toxic cycle.

It's weird because I've read so much and I am so deeply reflective and spiritual - I used to do spiritual counseling on the side.  People would come to me for advice.  Yet, I'm having the hardest time living my own knowingness and advice for myself.  How could I have been so naive and weak to not end things early on when I knew it was a problem?   I have to not beat myself up, though. 

[So many questions]

Someone on this forum once told me “you’re here, and that means something”

Even if it is a small step in the right direction; it’s a step.

I’m sorry to hear about your childhood, that must have been so traumatic and left lasting effects that you’ll always deal with. Good on you for doing enough work on yourself to recognize them. I’m searching for why I am a codependent with anxiety attachment, who attaches to toxic(usually Cluster B) partners. Something happened at some point that but I’m not sure what. I had a great bring up.

I too ask myself that. I don’t have an answer. I saw more red flags then you could possibly imagine the first 3 months and they only multiplied in dramatic fashion. I stayed every single time. I’ve never been more humiliated on so many occasions. I found out she cheated IN THE IDEALIZATION stage of our relationship with someone who isn’t remotely attractive. She flipped out cause I went through her phone and hit me in the face.

I broke up with her, she denied they had sex even though I had literal proof from her own mouth, I foolishly took her back. She excused it as “we just started dating, I was just out of a break up, you knew what you were getting into”.

My therapist said her denying it was manipulation because she knew i was so codependent, her not admitting it made it ok for me to think it didn’t happened. It did. I was just brain washed, literally.

Through all this, the entire time she’s telling people I’m controlling and didn’t trust her. Well yeah, she was not someone who could be trusted and her actions proved that.

Anyways, I know how you feel. Luckily she hasn’t recycled me since her new replacement. I was a replacement and she recycled my predecessor many times during our relationship. So it’s probable.

I hope I’m strong enough to deflect any and all attempts. We’re NC. She’s out living life with her new guy. I’m at home devastated but doing the work to began to heal.

I wish you well. I’m here often and always down to chat. You can read my story through my posts if you want any to get a grasp on all that’s happened. Best of luck and prayers to you.

[thecrusader]

Thank you, my friend.  I'm sorry that you had to go through all that and being cheated on is such a harsh breech of trust.  I'm glad to hear that you're healing - I know it takes time. 

Yeah, I saw so many red flags.  She was actually living in Tampa when we met and I was in Birmingham.  I was actually involved in another relationship, but she was persistent - some would say obsessive - with her emails.  She worked for the engineering firm that I had hired so we interacted for work a good bit with trips three times that first year.  I finally broke up with the other girl and gave in to give the BPD my full attention and affection.  The whole thing started with her blasting me about how much I hurt her because I was dating someone else - which she knew when she started obsessing on me.

Anyway, when I reflect in absolute honesty with myself, I have to admit that when I'm not on top of my spiritual game - when I'm in a very egoic place - I have attracted in BPD, NPD, and narcissist psychopath.  And all mostly in the last few years precipitated by the break-up of my marriage in 2012.  There have been numerous really wonderful women, but that ego wants the drama and those BSC ones (bat-$hit crazy!).  I'm trying to make light, but I will need to stay on top of my game in order to stop repeating the pattern.

[ForeverDad]

... she goes from extremely loving and kind and sweet to an outright vicious monster, screaming, breaking things, insulting, berating, etc., in a literal blink of an eye.  I try my best to stay calm and patient, but she knows what she's doing and she keeps pushing and screaming in my face until I lose it.  Then I feel guilty and I am always the one that reaches out to her to make amends first.  She never does that or says I'm sorry. 

Lately, there has not been enough recovery time in between episodes and my fuel tank is staying empty.  She is constantly threatening to end the relationship.  I'm so torn.  I really do love her and I want to help, but I don't know how much more I can take of it.  Every episode she says and does things that hurt to the core, and the constant threat of leaving triggers my abandonment fears.  What can I do?

She's demanding you leave and yet you don't.  In essence, would you agree in some respects it's a contest of wills?  At some point you have to Accept there is no more you can do.  It's not like she is a wild teenager who would hopefully gain a greater level of maturity when facing adult responsibilities.  She is an adult, long since.

[So many questions]

 ForeverDad said, it really is like dealing with an angry teenager who hates her parents.

And I think it is a battle of wills. I’m competitive. Stubborn to a fault.. I like to figure out the answer to things. I felt like if I stay in it, keep trying, I will figure it out. And we will work.  But unfortunately, that’s impossible.

My therapist said it is lose-lose. There’s nothing I could’ve done. By exposing her hurtful actions and lies; I was painted black, from then on it was war. . I could get her a gift and present it incorrectly then next thing you know I “said it in a weird way, only gave it to her to make myself feel good, am using it as manipulation. I’m gaslighting her by saying that’s not how it is. I don’t respect her feelings.”

If you did this, you would be faulted for not doing the opposite.

[Kayteelouwho]

Firstly I'm sorry for what you have been through and I can relate to the need for having some consistency with all realationships not the not to feel loved then disregarded.

think you need to have some time to heal yourself, constant conflict is never easy and can be hurtful even with all the tools sometimes things can hurt deeply when it's always there.

Personally I would say it sounds like you need to find out what you want with this partner, look for peace inside you to start making sense of the realationship. forever dad, wording is very true I have 17 month old with two year old tantrums and 11 year old who is a stroppy teenager and both of them is somehow easier than the ones with my partner, .

I'm currently working on myself as I've got to the same point as you within your realationship. I've found looking at the picture as a whole of my values and what I want has been helping me make a decision on moving forward either way and looking at why I seem to be attracted to cluster/bs I'm also stubborn at times which isn't also the best part of me but now leaning on leaving I can't help which I always thought I could.

the cycles of bpd are very very hard and triggers is something, you can't avoid either all the time with my partner Christmas is a big trigger bit he doesn't see that and my children had a Christmas  storybook for my children to read, which he had one as a child (was sarcastic to me all day and night) to the following day I didn't make the breadcrumbs by the end of that night he wanted to slit my throat during my sleep, Some situations we managed to come to a sort of agreement  but it got to the point he risked my life in front of my children and I left but tried talking to him again as I always love him and care but I think my reasoning was is It feel guilty/ashamed that I know its not there fault but also equally can say no more too.

It's OK to feel torn on what to do. you are an individual also and when you get painted black its a really difficult time to get through.

Just if you do decide to leave be really sure on it what it is you want I tried to leave before and wasn't prepared of love bombing that followed to harsh insults 10 minutes later and now back to the start again. I'm pleased your starting a healing process and hope you find your answers .

We are all here for supporting each other and being there for you.

Take care.




 

[BigOof]

I really do love her and I want to help, but I don't know how much more I can take of it.

The only person you can change is yourself.

Every episode she says and does things that hurt to the core, and the constant threat of leaving triggers my abandonment fears.  What can I do?

What would you tell a friend if they were going through this? Why are you putting up with it when you wouldn't advise a friend to put up with it?

[Cat Familiar]

I too was attracted to “project” partners, AKA cluster Bs. The story was always the same. Horrible childhoods where they were abused somehow, so much potential that wasn’t *recognized* by others, so sensitive and kind and gentle (in the idealization phase), such praise and appreciation for my *good qualities* (manna for my soul since I grew up with constant “constructive” criticism), certainty that I was “the one” for them, and big plans for our future together.

They got me hooked and addicted to this praise and appreciation…then as you’d know, pulled the rug out from under me. I wanted to be the person who assisted them through their healing journey, thinking that love could fix everything.

I kept hoping they’d return to the *real* person I had fallen in love with, unaware that was only one side of their personality.

Truly, BigOof is correct. The only person you can change is yourself. You can hope till the cows come home that a miracle will manifest and the person you originally met will once again return. However that wishful thinking will only further your descent into the rabbit hole.

That said, if you do make changes in your own behavior, the relationship can’t help but change. If your partner merely has BPD traits and is otherwise a functional adult, it is possible to have a more or less healthy relationship, given that there will be speed bumps along the way. The more your partner is afflicted with BPD, the less likely this is a possibility.

Since you’re on the Conflicted board, it’s good to evaluate your life goals and to take a realistic look at your partner and decide if this relationship is what you want in coming years.

[livednlearned]

I try my best to stay calm and patient, but she knows what she's doing and she keeps pushing and screaming in my face until I lose it.

Can you give us an idea of how you're interacting here?

Is she physically pushing you?

I wonder if you being calm and patient feels unsettling to her -- she feels a storm and you are calm. This leads to her winding up until she sees you react the way she feels inside.

Then things are even and she begins to return to baseline.