Nervous about getting help

[Hope4Joy]

I’m all over the place. See recent thread on the bettering board…
Separated as of Thursday morning when I left to my parents in another town. I spoke with a counselor Friday to feel ok about coming back to the area. My son and I have been staying at my in-laws since Monday. I have been working at our home based business with other people present (one knows what’s going on).

The separation has finally gotten him to agree to get help together. I wanted him to see a psychiatrist on his own, however the counselor advised that getting help together is ok and that the marriage counselor can be the one to push individual help. We have an appointment Monday afternoon. I just filled out some paperwork that says I have anxiety and that we just separated, but hope to resolve, and things are complicated by a home based business.

Im nervous. How will this go? Do I give simple answers if asked?
I know most anything I say will hurt uBPDh. How can I make it clear that he needs help before we have another couples session?

Tell me your experience with couples counseling.

[BigOof]

The couple counselor was another person pwBPD could manipulate into her distorted view of the world. Complete waste of money, time, and emotional expenditure.

[kells76]

It may depend on the counselor. Some here have had negative experiences, where a naive counselor gets roped into the pwPD's distorted narrative (see BigOof).

For us, the situation was a little different. Many years ago we finally got the kids' mom (uBPD) to agree to counseling for the kids. She chose the counselor, and DH and I were pretty concerned that it would go down like it did for BigOof -- a naive young female counselor eating up Mom's sob stories and "banning Dad" etc etc.

DH showed up to his sessions for about a year, as did Mom, generally separate and sometimes separate with the kids. Over the course of time, with DH genuinely being himself and -- most importantly -- being open to making changes recommended by the counselor -- she came to see where the problem really was. All DH had to do was actually be willing to try some things differently and take her recommendations. Mom could not/would not do that, nor would Stepdad. They were too committed to how "what they were already doing was perfect and amazing parenting, so obviously Dad was the problem".

So, for MC, consider showing up and being patient and nonconfrontative. Focus on "how can we make this better going forward". Prep yourself to have the strength to "just listen" for the first few sessions. Model empathy, active listening, and curiosity. "Let" your kid's dad "take the floor" as much as he wants to for the first few sessions. He may vent, blame, point fingers, etc etc etc. Let him do that. His behaviors will tell the MC way more than your descriptions could, and I think I can promise that he will show the MC his true colors.

See if at some point you can have the MC give both of you homework, and then work on yours. This is a win win scenario. If your uBPDh actually tries to do the HW, then it will be better for your relationship, and you will have information that he may be able to slowly make some positive changes. If he does not do the HW, but instead blames, makes excuses, fingerpoints, etc etc etc... again, you and the MC will have info about where the problems are coming from.

Overall I would say yes, go, if you're asked about "what's going on" see if you can frame short answers about "conflict coming between you guys" (for example) versus blaming/shaming/"telling his story for him". You can "be deeply concerned about where communication is at" and "worry that the conflict is impacting your son" and "be open to finding new ways forward to decrease conflict". All of those are just ideas, so make it yours, but the gist is to focus on not "who did what" but the general thing that has come between you guys and how to move forward healthily. Let your H reveal who he is... he will.

You can ask the MC if the MC would have some individual sessions with you guys separately before you meet up all together, too. That's fair. If your H is concerned, you can frame it as "space for him to share without interference" or something. Or the MC can pitch it to you guys -- "As a MC, I typically meet with both parties separately for a few sessions at the start, so I can more fully understand what has brought you here and be in a better position to help". This would be pretty normal.

I would save any really specific concerns about H's behaviors for individual sessions with the MC, and keep joint sessions, at least for a few at the start, to active listening, curiosity, "befuddlement" -- i.e. if your H is like "our marriage would be fine if H4J would just support me more", you could respond NOT with "I always support you, I can't believe you'd lie like this, etc etc", but with "MC... I think I could use your help in understanding the ways in which H feels like I haven't supported him" (something where you aren't defending yourself and arguing, but instead are "open to new information").

None of this is to say "you're the only problem" and that's why you "have to" be the one to "be the bigger person" in MC. There's a dynamic between you and H that has been going on for a while, and each of you play your own part, and the parts are different and not necessarily equivalent. This is more just a strategic idea for how to approach MC in a way where the MC will see what is really going on. Basically it's to "get out of the way" of the pwPD and let them reveal themselves to the MC, which inevitably they will, given enough time.

Hope that is sort of helpful...

kells76

[Hope4Joy]

Thank you that is helpful and is kind of what I was thinking. I think he will show his flaws. It may take a little time and getting comfortable. We are seeing an older male counselor at a center where we know someone that had success with another counselor for their adolescent.