Broke-up and heartbroken

[Tryingtothrive]

Hello all, Thank you for reading this and your willingness to reach out and help. I really do not know where to start, so I will provide you with some background. I had been in a LDR relationship with my ex-boyfriend for 5.5 years (with a breakup that lasted about 1.5  years) with back and forth visits. During the breakup, I learned a bit about BPD - the emotional outbursts, push/pull cycles, BPD suffering, etc. When we decided to get back together, I explained that we needed to do things differently in order to have a different result and this included outside treatment. He agreed to couples counseling. This gave me hope. Perhaps, too much? We attempted a few sessions via zoom. This only lasted a few sessions as the last session ended with him yelling and simply hanging up instead of solving an ongoing issue we had. (I later got blamed. As he felt I conspired with the therapist to gang up on him.) We opted to place the counseling on hold until we could see each other (due to Covid we had been able to travel to each other's respective countries). We were finally able to spend time together. In the beginning of our rekindling, our relationship was wonderful. I fell more in love with him than ever. Then more time we spent together and the closer we got/more future plans we began making, the more he began to pull away. I ended up my visit with him early (we were supposed to spend the holidays together), as he was constantly complaining about how stressed he was and my presence was making it worse for him. (Despite me renting a place for us that was walking distance to his work, in order to avoid hours of commuting/stress/looking for parking, etc). So, I took trips weekend trips without him and explained how I could fend for myself. From his perspective, he stated that he felt responsible and was constantly worrying, etc.  I did not feel welcome or that he was making any effort to spend time with me despite me taking time off work, spending thousands of dollars, and traveling long-distance. I was very hurt and opted to come home. When I returned I was open about my feelings, wants, and needs while expressing compassion and understanding for him. He constantly expressed his fears and lack of self-esteem. I again tried to revisit couples/individual treatment for both of us - to improve our relationship and bring us both healing. Although initially open to this, he began to close off and said he viewed it as hopeless. He did not think it would help him. As the saying goes, "if you think you can you can, if you think you can't, you can't". I would ask him what he wanted or ideas he had for improving things, or what he wanted in his life/our relationship. He would say that he felt he needed to just alone and that he did not want me to suffer because of him. In the end, he stated the thought of continuing our relationship made him anxious, as did the thought of not having me in his life. In the end, it was his unwillingness to move toward treatment that was the final straw. I reached a point where I could no longer tolerate the rollercoaster, uncertainty, the lack of commitment, etc. without the hope for a better tomorrow for him, us, and me.  I would have been unwaveringly weathered the storm with him had he been willing. He was not ready and may never be, so I respect his decision. Immediately, after this breakup call, I blocked him.  It has been a few weeks and I am still broken, on the verge of depression. I have been doing my best to stay busy, go on trips, be with friends, care for myself, etc but none of this has brought me any relief. I miss him terribly. I do not really speak to my friends or family, mainly because they reached a point where they had contempt toward him based on things he said about them, to me, and how he treated me. They can not understand my perspective and were happy to hear that I broke up. They just reiterate that I am better off without him. My ex was primarily pwBPD with other comorbidities of NPD/histrionic traits/features. This is not my unprofessional opinion but rather the opinion of 2 different therapists that treated both of us during different time periods in our relationship and treatment ended the same way.  I understand logically this relationship could not have endured and evolved to healthy functioning without outside intervention and I would have been left with but a shell of my former self.  I never shared the diagnosis with my ex. I simply discussed the issues and how we could improve things together.Yet, my heart and soul are still deeply pained without his presence in my life. Despite, filling my life with a million distractions, there is a huge void. We were so compatible on many levels and I have never felt this same way toward someone. I try to shift the focus to the reality of what it was and how he acted, vs the fantasy and his empty words. Not sure when my heart will catch up to my brain, I hope soon. The suffering is immense, as it was in the relationship at times. I reached a point where I was exhausted, confused, and hopeless. I did not feel appreciated, loved, safe, or cherished. I should be thankful it is over?  Yet, I feel like I am starting to slowly sink into a dark place. I would appreciate any insights or help in moving forward. Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you heard about trauma bonds? https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#signs

That your heart hasn’t caught up with your head, which seems to be in agreement with family and friend’ opinions, makes sense.

It’s easy to fall in love when someone is being the best version of themselves, but that wasn’t the entire picture. He couldn’t maintain the fantasy and the other side of him was quite different.

Have you done any therapy after the breakup? You might look into EMDR. https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/. I suggest this because on a cognitive level you understand. It’s just that your body is not yet in agreement.

[Tryingtothrive]

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I have met with a therapist and have done EMDR in the past both guided by a therapist and online. I will look at the info you provided on trauma bonding and likely visit EMDR again. Understanding that my heart has not yet caught ups helpful. I hope this happens soon! The pull to reach out to him is strong and real, despite logically knowing this is not a good idea. 

[alterK]

If you look through the posts on this forum, you will find dozens of stories of failed couples therapy. People with BPD typically don't do well in this setting. My experience was that my W just spent the (expensive) time fuming about me. The only worthwhile thing I got was in a breakout individual session when the therapist told me, "You know your W has BPD, don't you?" Lit a light bulb in my head, that did.

Indeed, these folks can be attractive, charming, interesting, devoted, all those good things, and you fall in love with that person. Eventually the relationship begins to break down. A small event, or no event, can trigger that. Then you are on the roller coaster and you won't be able to get off unless they accept appropriate treatment, which at best is never a quick fix. You remember the good times, and your heart aches for them. Their memories are often very different, conditioned by their negative feelings.

People with BPD are suffering, and we can't help feeling for them. We hope our sympathy might help them, but it's like dealing with an alcoholic or a drug addict--until they make the decision to stop drinking and get into recovery there's little to nothing you can do to change the situation.

It sounds like you are doing the necessary things to help yourself. It takes time. Try to be patient with yourself. Keep at it with therapy. If you are getting depressed there is no shame in taking an anti-depressant for a while. Don't give up hope for yourself!