My daughter is wearing me out

[Sammy Jo]

Does anyone have any suggestions for a BPD 21-year-old child who will continuously ask, threaten, cajole, plead, and beg until you are literally too tired to do anything but say yes?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I went through the exact same situation with my BPD daughter from around 14 to 21.  I absolutely have a suggestion that was shared to me by my kid's 7th or 8th psychiatrist, and it's advice that truly changed my life once I accepted it.  Are you ready for it?

If your kid won't take no for an answer, then change the dynamic.  Kick them out and tell them to go do things their way.  It really is that simple.

Now, you might say, "But no...I love my kid...I could never do that!"  I said that too and the psychiatrist laughed at me.  He said that my kid is mentally ill yet somehow I think that I could magically fix that through my actions.  And he was right.  The healthiest thing I could do was establish boundaries and tell my kid to either play nice like everyone else in the house, or get out.

I kicked my kid out at 21 and she bounced from relative to relative until she burned every possible bridge.  For a few nights she was homeless but she was too stubborn to try to come home, so she ended up in a halfway house for a few months.  When she finally asked to come home, I said the same thing we talked about the day she left a year earlier...this is my house and you are going to respect everyone here, or you're not welcome here.

From there, my kid came home for about six months before being asked to leave once again.  It was maybe 3-5 months after that when she decided to take mental health seriously and enrolled in DBT therapy.  For the first time in her life, she actually accepted that her thinking was a problem and she wanted to legitimately get better.  Within the year, she was as close as you can come to being "cured" and lives a pretty normal life now.  She's back at home with me at 24.

Here's the thing though, if you continue to take abuse and coddle your kid, there's absolutely zero reason for them to ever make an attempt at changing.  And while we love to say, "It's that darn mental illness," it's actually a combination of their sickness and our enabling bad behavior.  You have to stop because it's not your fight, and your kid can't heal until they're ready to heal.  And they'll usually go through hell before actually making that realization.

I hope that helps.

[Rev]

Pook has nailed it I think.

The only thing I would add from my personal experience is that you've got to be prepared to wait as they make up their mind what it is that they truly want.

Hang in there.  This is tough. 

Rev

[Tangled mangled]

Play nice or get out


Thanks Pook075.


That’s another level of parenting and I will be saving it, may need it in 11 years time for my son.

IMO, I think BPD in grown a**ss adult children is permitted for way too long under the umbrella of providing validation. If after validating and kissing their as** for 20 to 25 years and it hasn’t worked, it’s time they move on.

[AcheyMom]

IMO, I think BPD in grown a**ss adult children is permitted for way too long under the umbrella of providing validation. If after validating and kissing their as** for 20 to 25 years and it hasn’t worked, it’s time they move on.

I think and hope you are right. It’s not only parents that enable, it’s others in society.  At times I’ve tried to step back and let my daughter face the consequences only to have either a social worker or another unsuspecting victim swoop in and save the day.  I think at 33 she’s run out of sympathizers this time.  It’s torture waiting to see if she’ll step up and admit she needs to change or give up.  I haven’t cut off contact, but I have cut off my resources.  I am terrified sh won’t step up to the plate and it is agonizing.

[Tangled mangled]

I think and hope you are right. It’s not only parents that enable, it’s others in society.  At times I’ve tried to step back and let my daughter face the consequences only to have either a social worker or another unsuspecting victim swoop in and save the day.  I think at 33 she’s run out of sympathizers this time.  It’s torture waiting to see if she’ll step up and admit she needs to change or give up.  I haven’t cut off contact, but I have cut off my resources.  I am terrified sh won’t step up to the plate and it is agonizing.

Can’t imagine what you have been through. As a female in my 30s I read some of the posts on here and I’m baffled. The agony of parents like yourself trying to move heaven and earth to help these adults with bpd. I can’t remember where, but someone mentioned that the problem with adult children with bpd is that they take out their failure to launch on parents or everyone else trying to help. It’s depressing to think of.
I’ve had to bend over backwards for my parents mum (bpd) and dad a narc. And had to go no contact to preserve my sanity but the guilt I experienced was awful , can imagine the guilt is several folds worse to remain NC with a child you raised.

[Sammy Jo]

Pook - your suggestion is so simple and yet can be so life-changing. Since we are on the brink of telling her she has to get a job and move out, this is a perfect time to start implementing this plan. Thank you.

[Pook075]

Pook - your suggestion is so simple and yet can be so life-changing. Since we are on the brink of telling her she has to get a job and move out, this is a perfect time to start implementing this plan. Thank you.

No problem at all, just lean on this community as you navigate through it.  You will get past this!  It may get worse before it gets better, because your kid is going to rebel like mad and say you're the worst people in the world.  That's okay though, just accept that she can't appreciate you at the moment and let her do her own thing. 

If she's suicidal, dial 9-1-1.  Otherwise, let her set the terms of contact with your healthy boundaries built right in (as in, no late calls, no endless rants, no insulting us, etc.).  It's okay to tell her how much you love her, that's critical at any age.  But you have to stick to the same narrative otherwise- I want you at home, but you have to show a, b, and c to stay here.

I hope that helps, I sympathize for you and the chaos this process creates.

[Sammy Jo]

Well, the day started with every good intention. but . . . we just had DD arrested. I tried the "you can stay here and do this, or you voluntarily admit yourself to a mental health facility." She went absolutely ballistic. She threw both of our laptops, tried to pour candle wax on the floor, threw remotes at the window, and yanked my reading glasses off my face and broke them. I made her go outside the house and locked her out. She broke a window pane on the basement door. We called 911 and after much discussion with the officers, who were aware of her mental state, decided that she would probably be sent back home tonight if they took her to a mental health hospital. So she was taken to jail and is being charged, and will probably go before the judge tomorrow. We're hoping it will get remanded to a mental health court.
But -- we are not going to bail her out for several days. This is the first time we have ever had her arrested, but a) we do fear for our safety, b) we are hoping to jar her enough to want to change her life, and c) force her to realize she is no longer able to stay in our house. Something has to change.

Just needed to get this out there to people who completely understand. I feel like a brokenhearted Mom, but a resolute one too.

I have cried a lot, but when I went back through the 10 min of video (she did not know I was videoing her), I was 100% sure we did the right thing.

[Pook075]

Well, the day started with every good intention. but . . . we just had DD arrested. I tried the "you can stay here and do this, or you voluntarily admit yourself to a mental health facility." She went absolutely ballistic. She threw both of our laptops, tried to pour candle wax on the floor, threw remotes at the window, and yanked my reading glasses off my face and broke them. I made her go outside the house and locked her out. She broke a window pane on the basement door. We called 911 and after much discussion with the officers, who were aware of her mental state, decided that she would probably be sent back home tonight if they took her to a mental health hospital. So she was taken to jail and is being charged, and will probably go before the judge tomorrow. We're hoping it will get remanded to a mental health court.
But -- we are not going to bail her out for several days. This is the first time we have ever had her arrested, but a) we do fear for our safety, b) we are hoping to jar her enough to want to change her life, and c) force her to realize she is no longer able to stay in our house. Something has to change.

Just needed to get this out there to people who completely understand. I feel like a brokenhearted Mom, but a resolute one too.

I have cried a lot, but when I went back through the 10 min of video (she did not know I was videoing her), I was 100% sure we did the right thing.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this, but you absolutely did the right thing.  Right now, today, your job is to do anything but think about this and how you can "save" your daughter.  You can't, not today and not this week.  But this was a positive step in the right direction and establishing some healthy boundaries.  

Right now this is the calm before the storm.  Your kid will be away for a bit and will likely be judge-ordered into a mental facility, which is the best possible outcome for her life this week.  With the judge's order, there's nothing else to say about the matter...she's going and she can't leave.  Let the process play out and let her get access to help.  Take this time to focus on yourself and the rest of your family- this would actually be a great time for a mini-vacation.

Now, this doesn't mean anything will change and this doesn't mean she will come home "better"...that only happens if she wants to make an actual change.  But she will have a radical awakening over the next few days and will quickly appreciate the home that mom and dad has provided.  

If she returns home with the same attitude, dial 9-1-1 and the process restarts.  All you have to say is, "She's a threat to herself or others."  Then they have to take her for another evaluation, which will lead to another week or so away from you.  It stinks, but you have to play the game until she's ready to open her eyes and lose the entitlement.

I don't know if you're religious but I'm saying a prayer for your family right now.  I know it's so incredibly painful, but you are doing what's best for her today.  Keep reminding yourself of that and if she calls to further blame you, remember that she's done all of this to herself.

[Rev]

Ditto to Pook...

Hard as it is - you did the right thing.

Rev

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tangled mangled]

Well, the day started with every good intention. but . . . we just had DD arrested. I tried the "you can stay here and do this, or you voluntarily admit yourself to a mental health facility." She went absolutely ballistic. She threw both of our laptops, tried to pour candle wax on the floor, threw remotes at the window, and yanked my reading glasses off my face and broke them. I made her go outside the house and locked her out. She broke a window pane on the basement door. We called 911 and after much discussion with the officers, who were aware of her mental state, decided that she would probably be sent back home tonight if they took her to a mental health hospital. So she was taken to jail and is being charged, and will probably go before the judge tomorrow. We're hoping it will get remanded to a mental health court.
But -- we are not going to bail her out for several days. This is the first time we have ever had her arrested, but a) we do fear for our safety, b) we are hoping to jar her enough to want to change her life, and c) force her to realize she is no longer able to stay in our house. Something has to change.

Just needed to get this out there to people who completely understand. I feel like a brokenhearted Mom, but a resolute one too.

I have cried a lot, but when I went back through the 10 min of video (she did not know I was videoing her), I was 100% sure we did the right thing.

You have done an incredible job, as hard as it was to do, you did it . It’s tough on you emotionally but you have done the right thing.

[StepMothering]

"He said that my kid is mentally ill yet somehow I think that I could magically fix that through my actions. "

I am trying to figure out a way to Favorite this statement so I can remind myself of the simplicity of it every time I am faced with a situation I don't think I can handle.

[Rev]

"He said that my kid is mentally ill yet somehow I think that I could magically fix that through my actions. "

I am trying to figure out a way to Favorite this statement so I can remind myself of the simplicity of it every time I am faced with a situation I don't think I can handle.

Besides writing it down and taping it to your nightstand, how much do you know about the Karpman drama triangle.  Knowing it will reveal your blind spots.

Here's the link from our site: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle