BPD coparent admits narcotic misuse

[theoutsider55]

Hello, this amazing forum helped me so much 10 years ago when I was in the divorce process from my BPD ex. I had hoped that things were improving but here I am again. I am hoping someone may have experience with a similar situation

[theoutsider55]

Hello, this amazing forum helped me so much 10 years ago when I was in the divorce process from my BPD ex. I had hoped that things were improving but here I am again. I am hoping someone may have experience with a similar situation. For context, my ex and I have a 12 yo child together.  We co-parent (if you can call it that). We have been divorced for 10 years and are both remarried.

When we first put out parenting plan in place I was in therapy for the cruel abuse my ex had put me through.  My life had crumbled, he had isolated me from all my friends and family and got me to quit my job.  He was diagnosed during that time as well.  We were both in therapy and I had, perhaps in retrospect, too much trust in this psychiatrist and went along with joint custody and a parenting plan.  I needed to remove myself from his life as much as possible and focus on healing, regaining my life and my career for myself and my child, which I did very successfully!  I had frequent check in with his psychiatrist who had assured me over the years that my ex is/was doing well and fit to parent. My child, now 12 yo, lives full time with me and my husband and visits with my ex a day or so on the weekends inconsistently.

It came to my attention last week (from one of his friends) that my ex has a very serious narcotic  addiction.  Using regularly (daily) even when he has our child in his care. I have some evidence of this - 2 witnesses and a few pictures.

Over the last 4 years, from when my child was 8-12 years old, she has had times of refusing to see my ex.  She has said "his face looks like a monster" "I feel like there are mouse traps all around me" "Dad acts weird sometimes".  Each time I would refuse access (against the law) until he would manipulate his psychiatrist into calling me and telling me I am alienating his from his child and that there is nothing wrong with him.  The psychiatrist even went so far as to tell me I am projecting my feeling about him onto my child. Each time I gave in, thinking again I was the crazy one, and allowed (sometimes forced) my child to visit with her father.   My ex has now admitted that each of those time his drug addiction was at it worst and that he manipulated the situation to regain access to his child.

As a result my child, who had self advocated, has been leas to believe that her voice doesn't matter and that she is not protected - even by me! (she doesn't know about the drug use yet).  I see her falling in line with the "rules" of my ex's dysfunctional family more and more and it terrifies me.

In my experience the course system (both criminal and family) have not been very helpful as my ex seems to be able to get himself out of every situation he creates and somehow make me look like the crazy one.

In my ex's family one of the "rules" is that no one talks about mental illness. Somehow my ex has convinced me (manipulated me) to keep his behaviours and illness a secret from our child this whole time.

I spoke with his Dr a few days ago and from a new list of meds and some and what I can deduce my ex is also being "treated" for psychopathy.

I quickly realized that I have been manipulated for the past 10 years.

My plan at this point it to put my child (and myself - ughhh I am over this!) back in therapy to focus on interpersonal skills, self advocacy, boundary setting, self esteem, etc.  My child is extremely empathetic and kind - in this situation almost to a fault.  She is, like I was, a perfect target for a master manipulator.

I'm looking to see if anyone has had success in court with a BPD who has an addiction.  Specially, I'm looking to establish full/sole custody.  I will always (when safe) advocate for my Childs relationship with her father, it is in her best interest. However, should I see/notice or be told about ongoing drug use I would like the ability to make a quick and easy decision to keep her safe - without being manipulated again.

I should also include that my ex is "fully Functioning" as it appears to others.  He has a "team" (family) of enablers around him.  He appears affluent, well put together and successful, as he manages his image with his life. The "other side" of him is hanging out in drug houses with very dangerous people.  However, he does buy and sell his house at least every 2 years, moving to a new city each time (often to hide out from who ever he recent victims were).  As well as changes jobs about every 6 months, mostly because he cannot manage to keep them.

It is also important to note, that this information came to me because his latest scam victim has threatened him and after he went into hiding himself, he disclosed to me as he though our child might be at risk too.

As I write this I feel totally crazy all over again.  I just want away from it all.  I have worked so hard to establish a healthy family, in a great community for my child. I feel like I got handed a life sentence of chaos and my child may pay the ultimate price. 

[BigOof]

Two questions:

1) Do you have concrete evidence?

2) Can you clearly articulate the impact on your child and demonstrably show that to the court?

[theoutsider55]

Like with everything with this person I do not have concrete evidence - not the kind that a court would require.  I have photos of him using drugs, a few positive drug tests and several witness (including the child).  But I know he would twist everything. 

My biggest concern is my child's safety in the car.  He has crashed two cars in the last year or so and these witnesses say he was intoxicated at the time (no children in the car).   

I fear taking him to court for just the reasons you are asking.  He wears a mask, and it's a good one.  Accusing him of drug use in public would be mortifying to his image, and with that would come the retaliation.

Thanks for the reply!

[ForeverDad]

When times like this arise where your concerns are heightened, considering the report you've received, could you ask that he submit to drug testing before an exchange?  Would court be inclined to add that as a requirement at the times you have concerns?

If he has a drinking or drug habit, that's not your business... except when it impacts your children's visits.

[theoutsider55]

Thanks, ForeverDad.  That is very helpful, I will look into formal drug testing.  His psychiatrist has let me know that he will be randomly drug testing him in a lab, and my ex has agreed to allowing me to know the results.

Yes, you are right, his drug and alcohol use is not my concern.  Unfortunately, as I am sure you understand, the combination of drug use, BPD, NPD and not consistently taking meds can create a monster of a human.  I try to keep reminding myself that my child is old enough to communicate any concerns she might have - as long as her father isn't manipulating her into staying quiet.

How old are your children? Does an age come where they just have had enough? I'm certainly hoping it is soon for my 12 year old.  I have started to tell her more information - I am not bad talking her dad but I do not sugar coat his actions anymore. 

[kells76]

His psychiatrist has let me know that he will be randomly drug testing him in a lab, and my ex has agreed to allowing me to know the results.

Quick thought based on, sigh, our personal experience (not with drug testing specifically, rather with getting information from the kids' uBPD mom) --

Don't accept what your PD spouse tells you the results are.

ONLY accept results directly from the neutral third party.

If your PD spouse says to you "oh yeah, they said I was clean", then there should be no problem with you contacting the testing service -- after all, they're going to say the same thing... right?

If your PD spouse has an issue with you contacting the testing service yourself... then you already have an answer about whether he's using.

ONLY accept results that you, personally, have obtained in person from the testing center.

Hope that helps, if you haven't already thought of it.