Help with memories

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,
  I'm in a hard spot. I have been for over two years since the discard. Things go up and down for me and I've really been trying to work on myself for the better. But I've suffered. I have underlying depression and the combination of the discard (by far the worse), job loss and the covid lockdown exacerbated it. Since it happened, I got caught in the worse depression in my life. I had shock therapy once to treat it but the treatment only lasted a number of months before the depression came back. (I needed it after the first time I had talked to my ex - this was the first time we had talked since we broke up). I'll be getting the therapy again on the 20th. I guess I'm saying this because my life since everything has stalled. I'm currently staying with my folks for a couple of weeks until the next ECT treatment and I just feel like maybe it was me that had all of the problems in the relationship. I know I shouldn't be even thinking about her but my mind still haunts me with it. Just a memory of her will bring tears to my eyes. She was so unstable when she was with me - hot and cold, projecting, lying to me constantly - there were so many red flags.  

I heard today that my ex just bought a house with her BF she left me for. He's successful and in a totally different field than I am. They're getting married soon- I guess 2 years is enough buy a house/marriage in that time but it seems a bit rushed to me. I've had such a hard time discerning that what happened - the discard- was due to her BPD symptoms or that she left me for someone more wealthy and successful - or both. I just don't understand it. Obviously I have no idea whether they are happy or not but I highly doubt that she's acted the same way around this guy as she did around me. And that really hurts me. I'm not happy for her - I haven't reached forgiveness yet. I'm still angry and deeply hurt about the discard and the lies. I already wrote her in January and told her how much it hurt me to see the person that I so deeply loved in the arms of someone else, that I knew about her lies and the fact that her mother was mentioning her new bf's name around me while I was still with her. (she had introduced them) First she suggested we could talk over the phone or in person and then she phoned out of the blue to say that her new bf was actually her ex-bf and that's why she moved in with him after two weeks of knowing him. I knew she was lying but didn't challenge her.

Anyways, I still feel lost and alone. I haven't had a relationship since and I feel this experience permanently damaged my ability to have one again.

[SBBayArea]

Hi,
  I'm in a hard spot. I have been for over two years since the discard. Things go up and down for me and I've really been trying to work on myself for the better. But I've suffered. I have underlying depression and the combination of the discard (by far the worse), job loss and the covid lockdown exacerbated it. Since it happened, I got caught in the worse depression in my life. I had shock therapy once to treat it but the treatment only lasted a number of months before the depression came back. (I needed it after the first time I had talked to my ex - this was the first time we had talked since we broke up). I'll be getting the therapy again on the 20th. I guess I'm saying this because my life since everything has stalled. I'm currently staying with my folks for a couple of weeks until the next ECT treatment and I just feel like maybe it was me that had all of the problems in the relationship. I know I shouldn't be even thinking about her but my mind still haunts me with it. Just a memory of her will bring tears to my eyes. She was so unstable when she was with me - hot and cold, projecting, lying to me constantly - there were so many red flags.  

I heard today that my ex just bought a house with her BF she left me for. He's successful and in a totally different field than I am. They're getting married soon- I guess 2 years is enough buy a house/marriage in that time but it seems a bit rushed to me. I've had such a hard time discerning that what happened - the discard- was due to her BPD symptoms or that she left me for someone more wealthy and successful - or both. I just don't understand it. Obviously I have no idea whether they are happy or not but I highly doubt that she's acted the same way around this guy as she did around me. And that really hurts me. I'm not happy for her - I haven't reached forgiveness yet. I'm still angry and deeply hurt about the discard and the lies. I already wrote her in January and told her how much it hurt me to see the person that I so deeply loved in the arms of someone else, that I knew about her lies and the fact that her mother was mentioning her new bf's name around me while I was still with her. (she had introduced them) First she suggested we could talk over the phone or in person and then she phoned out of the blue to say that her new bf was actually her ex-bf and that's why she moved in with him after two weeks of knowing him. I knew she was lying but didn't challenge her.

Anyways, I still feel lost and alone. I haven't had a relationship since and I feel this experience permanently damaged my ability to have one again.

[SBBayArea]

Disregard - I talked to a friend and I feel a bit better. There doesn't seem to be an option to delete posts on here.

[SinisterComplex]

Disregard - I talked to a friend and I feel a bit better. There doesn't seem to be an option to delete posts on here.

So look SB...you talked to a friend and it made you feel better. Ok, that is good. I encourage everyone to truly get out of their own heads and their own way by opening up to their own network and strive to forge stronger connections. However, in saying that...what you posted here was raw and that is good. You need to continue to come here and post as much as you need to and to also feel comfortable and welcome in doing so. You will never be judged.

You are going to be ok, but you do need to take action. Quit worrying about relationships and dating and focus more on the relationship with yourself. This is a must or will you will most likely continue to draw in the wrong types of mates. If you want happier, healthier relationships build a stronger relationship with yourself.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out because what I do want you to feel or do is to clam up and feel any kind of shame for your thoughts or feelings. We are a fam here so we got your back. Always feel free to let it fly alright.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SBBayArea]

Hi SC,
  Thank you for responding. That means a lot to me. My brain goes back and forth when it comes to healing. Some days I'll feel like I am strong enough to escape the ruminations and then I'll feel weak like I did today. What I really want is to have her out of my head altogether. My ex has an avoidant personality so I doubt I'll ever get anything close to closure from her. That's all I ever needed was the smallest hug or acknowledgment.  My logical brain knows this, knows she isn't capable of that or just doesn't care. I really wish I had the smallest bit of empathy from her but it simply doesn't exist. She just left- no charm, no letter, no nothing.  It's all over and my logical brain knows that. Everyone I have talked to about this situation said that I dodged a bullet. Yet, my emotional brain goes back and I'm trying my best to train it not to but I still fall by the wayside sometimes.

This forum helped me enormously 2 years ago - it allowed me to put a face to my ex's behaviors, which at the time I understood to involve some sort of PTSD reaction. I had no idea what I was doing to trigger her. I'd like to think I've grown but sometimes I slip and fall and when I look behind me, there are these sweet memories that linger.

[Turkish]

SBBayArea,

That sounds very hurtful that she's moved on like that. Very few of us get closure. I'm glad that you've come back for peer support. 

It's hopeful that you're processing "logical" vs. "emotional" even if it's painful. 

My T once told me that personalities typically don't change. I felt "replaced" as well. Not by someone more successful, but someone much younger and studly. It's a kick in the 

The "triggers" that we focus upon are about us, but ultimately they're about how a pwBPD feels about themselves inside: worthless and unworthy of love. Fleeing to a newer and better life is a surface balm which lessens pain, but doesn't heal core wounds.

[SBBayArea]

Hi Turkish,
  Thanks for your kind response. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I get that same feeling about my ex re: how the BPDex feels about themselves inside. I had three major life events happen to me at once and the ruminations were my brain's response to the trauma. I don't think this has much to do with my ex anymore, moreso my own mind's reaction to the discard. It tore at core ideas of me feeling unloveable, unwanted, ect - all the fun stuff you get from having a narcissist as a parental figure. I wish you lots of love and happiness and healing. 

[finallyout]

Hi SC,
My brain goes back and forth when it comes to healing. Some days I'll feel like I am strong enough to escape the ruminations and then I'll feel weak like I did today. What I really want is to have her out of my head altogether.

This is a sign that you are on your way to healing. I think getting the ex totally out of your brain is not going to happen, but it will get much better. It is like a wound that after healing leaves a mark, but it does not hurt anymore. I am now 6 months out of the relationship and I already feel much better, but still I get some days when I feel down, and I miss her. Bear in mind that I have a kid with her, which makes it much harder to heal, but still things are going just fine.

Have you thought about dating again? Sometimes meeting someone new will help you to forget and to move on. 

[SBBayArea]

Hi FO,
   Thanks for your note. Its funny -all of my friends and family have said that I dodged a huge bullet but the thought of her still lingers, thought it seems to be going better for me. I hear you when you say you feel down and miss her. I think I’m just feeling lonely.  
 I’ve thought about dating but I’m still working on my depression. Once I get treated for that, I’ll make a good partner again. I tried going on the apps before but I’m 43 and I just feel like I’m invisible on there. When we broke up I went on and dated a few people but I wasn’t ready at all. I was a broken man then. I suppose I’ll try again, though. Have you started dating again?