BPD ex is expecting... what can I expect?

[PeteWitsend]

Hi all,

I learned my BPDex is expecting a child, due in a couple months.  

I'm wondering if others in this situation can shed any light on changes or behavioral issues I should watch out for.

I'm really only concerned for my daughter; will BPDxw's attitude toward her change now that she'll have a child with her partner and view our D differently because she's a product of our marriage?  

I expect there may be more unusual behavior or dysregulations due to hormonal issues and stress on her part, but I don't know what sort of long-term changes to expect.  

[BigOof]

Oof, this is going to be a rollercoaster.

Watch out for your daughter becoming the all-bad child and the baby becoming the all-good child.

[BigOof]

PeteWitsend, we should turn this thread into a book called "What to Expect Your Gaslighting Maniac is Expecting."

heh heh

[15years]

Is your daughters grandmother still in the picture? Living with them? What kind of relationship does your D have with her? And how would that develop when BPDex is busy with the baby.

If your ex would make your D the scapegoat child, would BPDex and her mother be on the same page or would they have one favorite child each?

[PeteWitsend]

Is your daughters grandmother still in the picture? Living with them? What kind of relationship does your D have with her? And how would that develop when BPDex is busy with the baby.

If your ex would make your D the scapegoat child, would BPDex and her mother be on the same page or would they have one favorite child each?

As far as I know, the grandmother is still in the picture, living at home.  BPDxw technically has a real job, and I'm not sure if the grandmother does, so not sure if she's there with my D all the time, or BPDxw works from home on occasion.

Daughter always tells me she's happy she'll be at my house for the weekend, whenever I pick her up, so I figure she appreciates the calmer waters at my place.  She doesn't share a lot of details anymore.  At least she hasn't brought up any issues lately. 

A few weekends ago, I had an argument with my partner while my D was over.  Was very heated, but we got over it after a few hours and calmed down.  I later said to D I was sorry she had to witness it.  and that sometimes grownups fight just like kids, and it's not okay, but no one was still mad, we all love eachother, and we all talked about it calmly later.

D said "Oh, that's okay... mama and [her boyfriend] fight even worse than that all the time!" So I guess there's still a lot of regular conflict there.  Having a baby will only exacerbate that. 

[kells76]

Can you remind me how old your D is?

What we experienced when the kids' mom and stepdad had a baby was that the kids, then ~7 & 5 or so, were subtly enlisted as emotional caretakers for him.

What this looked like was at transitions (pickups, dropoffs, etc), he'd be crying or upset or whatever, and Mom/Stepdad would be like "He's going to miss you guys SOO much", with tacit messages of "he needs you to make him feel better". The "vibe" was that "it's simply impossible for Mom and Stepdad to make Brother feel OK, he's going to be so sad when you are gone, you guys are the only ones who can help". There was NO messaging of "no worries kids, we are adults who can parent and take care of things, you go have a good time and we've got it under control".

This mostly happened when we went to pick up the kids somewhere. Pickups got dragged out way longer than necessary, and then the kids were down as we drove away.

Also, not sure if I posted this here before, but there was this one time right after DH and I got married when Mom came to our house to pick up the kids, and I can't remember how the topic came up, but she said "YoungerSD does SOO much better with a younger sibling". Brief backstory, Mom was fully aware that DH and I would not be able to have a kid without significant $ and medical intervention. It was definitely a dig. DH to his credit shot back "We'll get right on that" and Mom seemed to have no comeback.

...

So those would be a few things to keep in mind: one, the emotional manipulation ("The baby is going to be SOO sad when you are at Dad's); two, the abdication of parenting/caretaking to the kids ("we can't soothe him, you are the only ones who can help"); and three, using the fact of having a baby as a way to position themselves as "above" or "better than" you ("it's the superior parenting choice to have a baby so the kids can have a younger sibling").

Buckle up and keep working on that parenting jiu-jitsu!

kells76

[PeteWitsend]

Can you remind me how old your D is?

What we experienced when the kids' mom and stepdad had a baby was that the kids, then ~7 & 5 or so, were subtly enlisted as emotional caretakers for him.

What this looked like was at transitions (pickups, dropoffs, etc), he'd be crying or upset or whatever, and Mom/Stepdad would be like "He's going to miss you guys SOO much", with tacit messages of "he needs you to make him feel better". The "vibe" was that "it's simply impossible for Mom and Stepdad to make Brother feel OK, he's going to be so sad when you are gone, you guys are the only ones who can help". There was NO messaging of "no worries kids, we are adults who can parent and take care of things, you go have a good time and we've got it under control".

This mostly happened when we went to pick up the kids somewhere. Pickups got dragged out way longer than necessary, and then the kids were down as we drove away.

Also, not sure if I posted this here before, but there was this one time right after DH and I got married when Mom came to our house to pick up the kids, and I can't remember how the topic came up, but she said "YoungerSD does SOO much better with a younger sibling". Brief backstory, Mom was fully aware that DH and I would not be able to have a kid without significant $ and medical intervention. It was definitely a dig. DH to his credit shot back "We'll get right on that" and Mom seemed to have no comeback.

...

So those would be a few things to keep in mind: one, the emotional manipulation ("The baby is going to be SOO sad when you are at Dad's); two, the abdication of parenting/caretaking to the kids ("we can't soothe him, you are the only ones who can help"); and three, using the fact of having a baby as a way to position themselves as "above" or "better than" you ("it's the superior parenting choice to have a baby so the kids can have a younger sibling").

Buckle up and keep working on that parenting jiu-jitsu!

kells76

D is ~8.

That all sounds crazy and exhausting.  I suppose they'll use whatever they can to create conflict & manipulate.

[kells76]

You know your D8's mom the best, so think ahead to what flavor of dysfunction seems most likely, and do some pregaming of that with your D.

Maybe get some kids books generally about "the new baby" but if possible, tailored towards "the parent's job is to take care of the baby, and the kid's job is to get used to the baby and have fun with it". Or find some episode of a show your D likes that is "the new baby" episode and watch that, and if it doesn't address BPD-specific issues (parentification of other children, waifish-ness/selective incompetence, are families with babies better than families without  ), use it as a springboard for working those it.

See if you can get ahead of the game with some low key conversations with D about "whose job is whose". Obviously some amount of involvement at her age is fine; normal range might sound like: "Do you want to give the baby his bottle tonight", "will you please keep an eye on the baby in the living room while I go to the bathroom for 5 minutes", "let me show you how to change a diaper".

Keep an ear out for dysfunctional stuff like: "Mom says I'm mature enough to babysit all day while she's at work", "I'm the only one who can help the baby not cry", "Why don't you have another baby? I do better with babies around", etc, and work out some jiu-jitsu responses ahead of time.

[once removed]

how are you feeling about it?

[PeteWitsend]

how are you feeling about it?

I suppose I'm happy for her/them.  I hope everything goes well, and they have a healthy baby. 

My only concern is for the negative consequences it may have for my daughter & my own new family, depending on how BPDxw handles the challenge of blending our child's needs with the needs of her new family, and the demands of caretaking an infant.

That's why I was curious if there was anything I should expect that I am not thinking of. 

I figure she will try to drag our daughter into comparisons between her family there, and my new family.  I didn't think about the possibility she'd ensnare our D in the responsibilities of parenting her new sibling as well.  I could see that though.