Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Their mom and I have been getting along OK for many months. We have minimal interactions, and she seems on board for helping to pay due D10's orthodontics; whereas, I was stuck paying 100% for S12.

Tonight, D10 called me. The ductless AC I bought for them last month is blowing minimally. D10 asked me how to fix it. I suggested checking the filter first. Mommy, aggro in the background, "what filter." D10 passed it on. I told D10 that I don't have the user manual and that I was brainstorming. D10 sounded sad and exasperated as she gets when her mom dystegulates. "Ok..." and hung up on me.

Our daughter hardly sweats, a genetic condition that she inherited from me, so she's heat intolerant. They have upstairs bedrooms, so they're hot, but it's only in the high 80sF here this week so this isn't a crisis.

I feel the old feelings: I bought them the AC. It was great and I was thanked. Yet now it's not working, so it's my fault.

I get the kids back tomorrow for the week, except for the mid week switch day. When their mom calms down, I'll offer to go over this weekend to troubleshoot the unit.

If they hadn't hung up on me, I would have suggested to give the manual to our son, who's an Aspie, and loves digging into directions and building things.

[Turkish]

Their mom and I have been getting along OK for many months. We have minimal interactions, and she seems on board for helping to pay due D10's orthodontics; whereas, I was stuck paying 100% for S12.

Tonight, D10 called me. The ductless AC I bought for them last month is blowing minimally. D10 asked me how to fix it. I suggested checking the filter first. Mommy, aggro in the background, "what filter." D10 passed it on. I told D10 that I don't have the user manual and that I was brainstorming. D10 sounded sad and exasperated as she gets when her mom dystegulates. "Ok..." and hung up on me.

Our daughter hardly sweats, a genetic condition that she inherited from me, so she's heat intolerant. They have upstairs bedrooms, so they're hot, but it's only in the high 80sF here this week so this isn't a crisis.

I feel the old feelings: I bought them the AC. It was great and I was thanked. Yet now it's not working, so it's my fault.

I get the kids back tomorrow for the week, except for the mid week switch day. When their mom calms down, I'll offer to go over this weekend to troubleshoot the unit.

If they hadn't hung up on me, I would have suggested to give the manual to our son, who's an Aspie, and loves digging into directions and building things.

[kells76]

Is "blame" the outcome you dread the most in this situation? Or, something like: her bad mouthing you to the kids, or schedule drama, or the kids acting out, or...?

I can relate to new situations bringing up old feelings. We had some schedule confusion with SD14 having a sleepover at a friend's house this weekend (our weekend). I felt like I caused it and because of that, that DH & SD14 would get into a conflict and she would "demand to go back to mom's" etc.

Although they worked it out, I still had physical symptoms come up: numbness, stomach stuff, dizziness. Just dreading and anticipating what had happened so much in the past, even if it didn't end up happening today.

So, mostly curious if it's the internal feelings of blame that are hardest, or dread of a blowup, or something else.

[ForeverDad]

Even if they have the manual, you can probably find electronic copies online to get a head start on typical issues.

[Turkish]

The kids won't act out to me. She's expressed frustration to me in the past that "they always defend you!" For what specifically, she didn't say. I'll talk to them tomorrow to see how we can resolve this.

[Notwendy]

Turkish- I think what makes you feel bad is when your good intentions somehow are not received that way. I think when you say "going back in the water" you are referring to doing something nice and having things go the way one would expect them to.

Instead, you are once again blamed for something not turning out right, even though your intentions are good.

This, for me, is a repeating pattern with my BPD mother. I think one explanation is the Karpman triangle. She prefers victim mode. She can't be a victim when I am being nice to her.

The other is the push pull- you are being nice but that makes them anxious and so they don't receive your good intentions.

What is really frustrating is not "being seen" for who you are. I feel similarly too. What BPD mother sees is her projections, not me. I think in any relationship, with anyone, we want to be "seen" for who we are. When we aren't, it's disappointing.

You are "seen" by others- the people you work with, your kids ( as well as kids can do that) your friendships, and also here- in the advice you have for others, sharing your story of trying to help with your BPD mother and parenting your kids.

And here may be another clue. I think what a child wants so much is to be "seen" and validated by their mothers. The person who is closest to us next, later on, is the intimate partner and we want that too, from them. Everyone wants that from their intimate partner.

You did a nice thing by providing the AC. But your ex notices when it isn't working. It's demoralizing. But it's her, not you. You still did a nice thing for them.

[zachira]

Turkish,
It seems no matter how hard you try with your ex wife, she is always going to be critical and unappreciative of what you do. It is natural to feel unsettled by how she treats you.The challenge is to not let her bad behaviors get under your skin for too long. I assume you are posting once again, to express your feelings and move on. It is tough when there are dependent children from a divorce, because if it weren't for the children you would have permanently moved on from her a long time ago. I admire the kind of father you are to your children and how you are beyond decent to your ex wife, a real role model to your children. I am wondering if your ex wife is jealous of you.  

[Turkish]

zachira-- maybe. She and then D9 were having major conflicts last fall which resulted in D9 being sent to counseling. It was a waste of time, especially since mommy only showed up to 6 of the 7 sessions. Our T resigned the company, so it stopped by default.

From what I've seen, they've been getting along better. Good.

What I got out of D10 today is that her mom blames her for breaking the unit so maybe I was too quick to assign the blame to me. I could tell that D was sad, so that was why.

I encouraged S12 to pull out the manual and go through troubleshooting and call me if necessary when they return. It will be hot the next two weeks, but not outrageously so. If my ex calls the kids tonight or tomorrow, I'll use that opportunity to talk to her about it. No blaming.

On my side, I still get triggered by the angry tone.