Low point led to breaking NC - and diving into my pain

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As some know, I adopted a new rescue dog after my STBX had taken our big hound. This new guy is very sweet, but he's not housebroken, has heartworms, and separation anxiety (oh, AND he's not neutered and can't be until the hw treatment is over in nearly 12 months). The treatment for separation anxiety is meds and also I can't leave him for longer than he can handle - which, at this point, is more than a minute and a half. This makes it difficult to do anything, and I've been desperately reaching out to people in my social circles to get help with watching him so I can make appointments, run errands, or go take care of my horse.

Last week, when I was faced with all of this, and scant little help overall, I was feeling all sorts of overwhelmed. On top of that, nobody was stepping up to help me and even dog sitters refused to help. I was at the lowest of low points, feeling like I was trying to do everything right, trying to reach out for help and everything else, and not getting the support I so desperately needed.

Of course, like a shark to blood in the water, my STBX sensed this, and offered to help. At first, I refused and tried to do anything I could to keep him out, but then I felt like I had no other alternative and allowed him to watch the dog one time. This, of course, opened the floodgates to begging, forcing interactions, etc. My boundaries had been well mushed.

I had therapy last night and felt a little more grounded after. My therapist had put it into the perspective that, from his vantage point, my allowing him in at all gave him hope that there was a chance that we could reconcile, so he kept pushing. If I hold the boundary and cut contact again, I can draw a harder line.

I know I will have peace if I do this. I have a couple of points of minor resistance that I need help thinking rationally through. The first point is that my fuel pump for my car that HE wrecked and took out of commission for months and that he offered to fix is FINALLY, after months on backorder, coming in. I know this is kind of superficial, but I do feel like he should be the one to fix it (and also, I can't really afford to fix it myself). I guess I could get the fuel pump and hang onto it for a while until I could afford to fix the car. I'm not really driving around town much these days anyway.

The second point is that he has recently said that he can't stay in this town without me and that he will have to take off if there is no hope for reconciliation - and has threatened to dump the big hound back off on me because he "cannot take her with him." This wrecks me. After sobbing my heart out when he took her because she really was more his dog than mine, I opened my home to another dog. Both hound dogs are problem dogs, and I also have a senior Beagle who does not get along very well with the big hound. I don't know HOW I would take care of three challenging dogs, but I also couldn't stand for this dog that I very much wanted and rescued and put so much time and care into over the years to be dumped to a shelter or some other such awful fate because of his selfishness. It's shocking to me that he would even consider this, given how much he claimed to loove the dog. Then again, it could just be a threat to keep me controlled, like he did with the apartment he rented, saying he wouldn't be able to rent the apartment unless I co-signed (I didn't co-sign and he got it anyway).

I had a horrific dream last night. It was kind of jumbled and weird. I'll try to make sense of it. He and I went on a road trip to some small town in our state. While we were there, he had met up with some woman. The local townspeople alerted me to the fact that they had intercepted some of the messages that he and this woman had been exchanging and assured me that they were graphic and sexual in nature. I confronted him with her. She was neither overly attractive nor unattractive, but she had large grayish-yellow teeth and stringy hair. I yelled at him and said, "How could you be with HER? She is ugly! She isn't anything special!" The woman tried to start a physical fight with me.

Then, it flashed forward to us being in some barren, ground-floor home or apartment that I guess he was going to share with her. He had two dogs, but they weren't my dogs. I asked what he was going to do with Roscoe, who was a bulldog, because clearly the woman didn't like dogs. I was going to take the other dog, which was some kind of shepherd mix and was really well behaved. I got a lot of positive energy from that dog.

Flash forward again, we're in the apartment and my STBX discovers that he's been physically cut in half. It's gory and gruesome. He is sitting next to me on the couch, bleeding, crying and helpless, but saying he'll be okay and to just leave. He keeps trying to manage himself in all kinds of weird ways, to put himself back together, but it's clear that he is going to die if I don't call 9-11. I offer to call 9-11 and he refuses. He just keeps weakly trying to help himself. His blood is spilling all over and the dogs are licking it up. I know I have to leave but it feels terrible.

I KNOW...lots of telling things in that dream. Anyway, sorry for the ramble. It's been a stressful week.

[WitzEndWife]

As some know, I adopted a new rescue dog after my STBX had taken our big hound. This new guy is very sweet, but he's not housebroken, has heartworms, and separation anxiety (oh, AND he's not neutered and can't be until the hw treatment is over in nearly 12 months). The treatment for separation anxiety is meds and also I can't leave him for longer than he can handle - which, at this point, is more than a minute and a half. This makes it difficult to do anything, and I've been desperately reaching out to people in my social circles to get help with watching him so I can make appointments, run errands, or go take care of my horse.

Last week, when I was faced with all of this, and scant little help overall, I was feeling all sorts of overwhelmed. On top of that, nobody was stepping up to help me and even dog sitters refused to help. I was at the lowest of low points, feeling like I was trying to do everything right, trying to reach out for help and everything else, and not getting the support I so desperately needed.

Of course, like a shark to blood in the water, my STBX sensed this, and offered to help. At first, I refused and tried to do anything I could to keep him out, but then I felt like I had no other alternative and allowed him to watch the dog one time. This, of course, opened the floodgates to begging, forcing interactions, etc. My boundaries had been well mushed.

I had therapy last night and felt a little more grounded after. My therapist had put it into the perspective that, from his vantage point, my allowing him in at all gave him hope that there was a chance that we could reconcile, so he kept pushing. If I hold the boundary and cut contact again, I can draw a harder line.

I know I will have peace if I do this. I have a couple of points of minor resistance that I need help thinking rationally through. The first point is that my fuel pump for my car that HE wrecked and took out of commission for months and that he offered to fix is FINALLY, after months on backorder, coming in. I know this is kind of superficial, but I do feel like he should be the one to fix it (and also, I can't really afford to fix it myself). I guess I could get the fuel pump and hang onto it for a while until I could afford to fix the car. I'm not really driving around town much these days anyway.

The second point is that he has recently said that he can't stay in this town without me and that he will have to take off if there is no hope for reconciliation - and has threatened to dump the big hound back off on me because he "cannot take her with him." This wrecks me. After sobbing my heart out when he took her because she really was more his dog than mine, I opened my home to another dog. Both hound dogs are problem dogs, and I also have a senior Beagle who does not get along very well with the big hound. I don't know HOW I would take care of three challenging dogs, but I also couldn't stand for this dog that I very much wanted and rescued and put so much time and care into over the years to be dumped to a shelter or some other such awful fate because of his selfishness. It's shocking to me that he would even consider this, given how much he claimed to loove the dog. Then again, it could just be a threat to keep me controlled, like he did with the apartment he rented, saying he wouldn't be able to rent the apartment unless I co-signed (I didn't co-sign and he got it anyway).

I had a horrific dream last night. It was kind of jumbled and weird. I'll try to make sense of it. He and I went on a road trip to some small town in our state. While we were there, he had met up with some woman. The local townspeople alerted me to the fact that they had intercepted some of the messages that he and this woman had been exchanging and assured me that they were graphic and sexual in nature. I confronted him with her. She was neither overly attractive nor unattractive, but she had large grayish-yellow teeth and stringy hair. I yelled at him and said, "How could you be with HER? She is ugly! She isn't anything special!" The woman tried to start a physical fight with me.

Then, it flashed forward to us being in some barren, ground-floor home or apartment that I guess he was going to share with her. He had two dogs, but they weren't my dogs. I asked what he was going to do with Roscoe, who was a bulldog, because clearly the woman didn't like dogs. I was going to take the other dog, which was some kind of shepherd mix and was really well behaved. I got a lot of positive energy from that dog.

Flash forward again, we're in the apartment and my STBX discovers that he's been physically cut in half. It's gory and gruesome. He is sitting next to me on the couch, bleeding, crying and helpless, but saying he'll be okay and to just leave. He keeps trying to manage himself in all kinds of weird ways, to put himself back together, but it's clear that he is going to die if I don't call 9-11. I offer to call 9-11 and he refuses. He just keeps weakly trying to help himself. His blood is spilling all over and the dogs are licking it up. I know I have to leave but it feels terrible.

I KNOW...lots of telling things in that dream. Anyway, sorry for the ramble. It's been a stressful week.

[kells76]

Hey WEW, couple of specific thoughts about your question:

I have a couple of points of minor resistance that I need help thinking rationally through. The first point is that my fuel pump for my car that HE wrecked and took out of commission for months and that he offered to fix is FINALLY, after months on backorder, coming in. I know this is kind of superficial, but I do feel like he should be the one to fix it (and also, I can't really afford to fix it myself). I guess I could get the fuel pump and hang onto it for a while until I could afford to fix the car. I'm not really driving around town much these days anyway.

So first of all, it makes sense to think either "well, he SHOULD fix it", or "I'm not sure if I can fix it" etc. You have SO much going on in your life right now, I get how that can make thinking through "normal" stuff rationally more difficult.

Even if "by rights" he ought to fix it, given that he broke it...

can you make him do it?

Given his timelines on projects in the past, even if he said he would do it, what do you think would happen, realistically, if you asked him, and he agreed? How soon do you think it would get done, and what else might happen?

While you may have financial issues with paying someone else (not him) to fix the fuel pump, there is also a price to pay if he does it, even if it's not money. What might that price be?

Just some ways to think through that.

...

On a super practical level, depending on your balance of time/money/energy, it is possible to get a Youtube how-to video on these (search "replace fuel pump Year Make Model). While that might not be the best fit right now (your hands are certainly full with the pups), it's an option if you have the tools around the house.

Another approach you can consider is if you have a neighbor, coworker, family member, or member of a group you are in (volunteer group, church, service group, etc) whom you could ask for help, or for a recommendation for a more affordable, "off the books" or "private practice" mechanic.

I just feel you being in this space where you need someone to lean on, and what you'd usually do in the past is try to get help and support from your STBX. Of course that's someone you think of to ask for help, that's been the norm for a long time. So it may take some practice to think of other people you can ask for help with stuff he'd normally do.

...

Your dream sounds intense and violent. It's interesting that you retained your agency and "togetherness" through the whole shocking dream.

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks kells76, at this point he is kind of hellbent on fixing it himself, as he prides himself on his skills and also sees it as an "in" with me to show what a great guy he is. He ordered this part BEFORE we separated and has been tracking it, so it's not like I'll be able to hide that it was delivered. But I can decide whether or not I want him to fix it. It may be more trouble than it's worth for him to do so, but I'm so low on funds. Ugh.

As for the dream part, yeah, it was really weird. I could feel his pain and everything, but I was still really calm. I guess that's how I was a lot of the time in the marriage too.

[Cat Familiar]

OK, it seems you are a rescuer through and through. But now it’s time to rescue yourself.

You are in no position right now to take on a dog like that with so many issues. I assume you got him from a rescue organization. Would it be possible to surrender him for a while, with the caveat that you will adopt him later once you life settles down if someone else hasn’t stepped up in the meantime?

With the anxiety he has, you are not the best equipped person to be dealing with him, as your life is so tumultuous at this moment. He could use more stability, as could you.

There seems to be a similar theme about putting yourself in a vulnerable position, regarding contacting your ex and thinking about having him work on your car. Do you really trust that he would do the repair properly or might he even sabotage something out of spite?

From a distance, it appears that you are shooting yourself in the foot, over and over.

I know this comes across as harsh, but perhaps you can look within and see why you are punishing yourself and work on being your own advocate. You certainly deserve some time to grieve your relationship, and put your life back together.

It seems you have some long standing baggage about not forgiving yourself and being unkind to yourself. You have a moment now where you can redesign your life and make it into a more enjoyable and fulfilling existence.

Let go of the fear and self-judgment. It’s time for you to be the person you’ve always dreamed you could be.

[Couper]

What is the vehicle?  PM if you don't want to say out loud, but I can tell you how involved it is.  A lot of new car pumps are not as simple as two bolts and 20 minutes like they were in the old days.  

The other risk that you are taking by having him fix it is what is to say he's not going to do half the job and leave it spread all over your driveway as another means of exercising control or just to screw you?

[WitzEndWife]

Well, with the dog situation, yes, I rescued him minutes from euthanasia and that wasn't the best choice. He is a great dog, but we have to methodically work through his anxiety. I WAS in a state of overwhelm with it at first, but now I have a number of people who have stepped up to help with that, so I think it will be a challenge but not impossible. At the end of all of this, I think he will be a really great dog.

The car situation was a situation BEFORE we got separated, but my STBX has been perched and waiting to swoop in on that one. I think the wisest thing for me to do would be to tell him I don't want him to fix it and just to wait. It's a Saab, so it's not an easy fix, I'm guessing. Worst case, I can get a quote from the shop and see where it puts me.

I'm not even really a rescuer of people. With people, it's just like I want them to like me so much, I fall into the role of whatever they want me to be. I often end up rescuing because I'm strong and can "take it" and I know what to do. But they take advantage. And then my boundaries are so mashed, I don't know how to stand them up.

Believe it or not, I HAVE come a long way since the years leading up to this. I DO know what needs to be done. That said, there are obviously unhealthy patterns here that I haven't fully broken yet. And my STBX is extremely smart and manipulative and able to push all the trigger buttons. If one thing doesn't work, he tries something else until I cave.

[ForeverDad]

I was thinking the same as Cat Familiar, you may be "shooting yourself in the foot, over and over" with your life in such turbulence right now.  While it is good others have stepped up to help care for the dog, perhaps taking on the care of a very needy rescue animal is simply beyond your ability right now, especially time-wise and financially.  If you feel you need to care for one, can you ask for one that is not such a burden, while you are stretched so thin?  (Although you may already be too attached.)

[Couper]

It's a Saab, so it's not an easy fix, I'm guessing. Worst case, I can get a quote from the shop and see where it puts me.

That's too vague to tell you what it entails.  Saab doesn't automatically equal difficult.  However, I agree that getting a quote is your best way forward.  Letting him exercise control over this is just giving him the opportunity to plant another landmine in your path. 

Just now rereading your original post -- if an accident physically damaged your fuel pump your car would likely be totaled.  If the impact tripped an inertia switch, that shuts off the fuel pump to prevent a fire.  That would be a completely separate issue from replacing the pump, but again, one for the shop to sort out.

[Couscous]

How did you find out the fuel pump isn’t working? Usually cars don’t run when the fuel pump is broken.

[Notwendy]

I think you can see the comparison to the addiction model. What happened was a "relapse" but also, I think it's something to learn from. Usually, before someone caves in, there are precipitating circumstance- and you can learn to recognize them.

Let's say someone wants to lose weight. They don't eat for several hours so they are very hungry. They know a bakery is on a certain street. They walk down that street. Eventually they get close enough to the bakery to smell the fresh bread baking. They tell themselves " I am just going to go in and take a whiff of that fresh bread". Next thing they know, they have bought a loaf and eaten all of it.

At what point did they break their diet? When they ate the loaf of bread or when they let themselves get too hungry and decided to walk down the street with the bakery?

Looking at this situation, you became vulnerable due to lack of self care. Your ex took one of your dogs- that created a void for you in your caretaking of both your ex and your dog. (you got hungry due to not taking care of your own needs) To avoid that pain, you took on another needy dog immediately. (walked down the street with the bakery) This is addiction- using something to avoid emotional pain. It doesn't have to be drugs or alcohol. In this caretaking, you neglected your own needs,( went in to "just smell" the baked bread)  and became even more emotionally vulnerable and contacted your H. ( ate the bread ).

When you begin to see where your "streets" are- you can help yourself avoid falling into these patterns.

Now you have two "streets". One is your fuel pump. Even if you believe your ex should fix it, this could be deluding you. This is the "I will only go into the bakery to smell the bread, I won't eat it" or the alcoholic saying " I can handle only one drink". Consider that not asking him to fix it and have someone else do it is a form of self care for you- take care of your needs and avoid that street.

His threatening to leave and give up the dog sounds manipulative. It might even be for the better if he did move, but I think as long as he can tug on your feelings, he might continue to try that. I agree with the others that caring for another needy animal might lead to more self neglect.

On the other hand, your ex knows that you are emotionally attached to the dog, and if he gives up the dog, he gives up that power. In a similar manner, if my BPD mother knows I want something of hers, she won't let me have it even if she offers it to me. I am not sure your ex would give up something he knows you are attached to.

Here is a poem used in AA and 12 steps about this process. I hope it helps you to understand where your "streets" are.

There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Fall In
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

[WitzEndWife]

Notwendy, what you're saying really resonates with me. I had this void that, while grieving, I wanted to fill. Now, did I intentionally get a dog with separation anxiety? No. I didn't know that was a problem for him. But, with rescue dogs, that's always a possibility. I saw a dog that was about to be euthanized in a cruel "heart stick" facility, and in my grief, adopted him, knowing the heart worm treatment would be long and challenging. I did not anticipate the additional layer of separation anxiety, but you just never know when you take on something like this.

Dogs with heartworms and separation anxiety are difficult to adopt out, needless to say. And, in my mind, once you make a commitment to a rescue animal, you see it through. So many animals are surrendered to shelters and euthanized because of separation anxiety. I'm doing my best to manage it with this dog because it's not HIS fault I had a hole that I needed filling. He is not my STBX, he is just an innocent bystander in this mess that I alone created.

My T said that, to my STBX, any "letting him in" at all, no matter what I say, gives him "mixed messages." He thinks he still has a chance as long as I am in some way in his life. I need to cut it off and deal with myself.

One thing this group has shown me is what a deeply messed up person I am. I thought I was getting better, but clearly I'm not. It's disheartening to think that you're not making any progress in your life, despite years of therapy and introspection, and that you're doomed to be a sick person forever. One thing is for sure, I'm never again allowing anyone else into my life in a romantic way. I never want to go through another scenario like this one.

As for the car, I'll muddle through. Maybe I'll just sell it to someone who appreciates Saabs. I have a hideous and smelly old Ford Taurus that we'd acquired from an elderly man who chain smoked in it as my "rental" over the past many months (since Feb) while my car has been out of commission. I can still tool around in that hopefully for a little while.

[Notwendy]

One thing this group has shown me is what a deeply messed up person I am. I thought I was getting better, but clearly I'm not. It's disheartening to think that you're not making any progress in your life, despite years of therapy and introspection, and that you're doomed to be a sick person forever. One thing is for sure, I'm never again allowing anyone else into my life in a romantic way. I never want to go through another scenario like this one.

Stay hopeful that this can get better.  It is tough to see what one needs to work on but please see this as a starting point. If someone gets a low grade on a report card, it doesn't mean they are a failure. It means they can work towards doing better.

I found that while therapy is helpful, being in 12 steps, experiencing someone walking me through this fall in the hole pattern was helpful, and eventually I could see the "streets" that led me to the holes and take a different one- learn different behaviors.

We all came to these groups with different circumstances. I have seen people with serious drug addictions get sober. I have also seen people struggle with falling off the wagon, either emotionally or with another kind of addiction. They know that they have a tendency to do this- but this doesn't mean they are messed up- it means they need to know their "streets" and their "holes". What happened when you asked your ex for help is a pattern for you, a tendency. The first sign of progress is that, if you fall in the hole, you know it, you get out a bit more quickly. You see this now.

The feeling you can never have another romantic relationship is understandable. It's a protection one needs when feeling vulnerable and having weak boundaries. One risky pattern is for someone to escape the emotional pain of ending a relationship by jumping into another one because the outcome is to likely repeat the dysfunction with someone else. It's a safer that you took on a dog to care for.

Think about this in terms of not considering another relationship until you have ended and resolved this one but not a "never". I read something interesting about this in a book. Too solid boundaries are risky too. People with healthy boundaries would meet someone with such defenses, sense them, and keep a distance. Who wouldn't? People who don't respect boundaries in the first place. You don't want to keep everyone out or only attract boundary busters. How about the goal of learning self care and healthy boundaries- a relationship with you first. Others maybe later but not now, not for a while.

It's progress, not perfection ( another 12 step slogan ) but you are doing it. So you took a step backwards and learned from it--- this is progress.

[ForeverDad]

There are odor removal products you can buy that will remove the smells out of virtually anything.

[Cat Familiar]

With people, it's just like I want them to like me so much, I fall into the role of whatever they want me to be. I often end up rescuing because I'm strong and can "take it" and I know what to do. But they take advantage. And then my boundaries are so mashed, I don't know how to stand them up.

When I started therapy after my divorce from my abusive ex, my therapist said, “We’ve got to build you a self.” Hearing that, I was equally mystified and insulted. What I realized later, that I had spent my life as a *people pleaser*, trained to do this by my BPD mother, who wanted me to be a malleable entity. I did rebel against her over controlling, but since I hadn’t developed the sense of knowing who I was, knowing what I wanted, I ended up in the same dynamic with not only my ex husband, but with people in general. I could tell you very specifically what I did not want, but I had no idea of what I wanted.

I see a similar dynamic in your words: you don’t want to be lonely, you are frightened of getting into a future relationship that could be as all-consuming as the one you are currently exiting, you might choose to get rid of your car rather than possibly fixing a minor issue. There’s a lot of *black and white* thinking here. This includes you calling yourself a “deeply messed up person.”

YOU ARE NOT A DEEPLY MESSED UP PERSON. Rather you are someone who has a minor programming issue: you’ve focused upon others’ needs rather than your own.

Sure, you may have learned somewhere that it’s better to give than to receive. Or that you might have been told not to be *selfish*, *egotistical*, *narcissistic*, or one of the other insults that manipulative people use to control others.

There is nothing emotionally unhealthy about knowing who you are, what you want, and taking steps to make your dreams reality.

All in all, programming can be changed and letting go of old habits of thinking and behaving need not be traumatic. You have an opportunity now for a clean slate.

Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is: “What do I want?” And then knowing that, take steps to actualize your goals.

Promise me, no more beating yourself up, saying unkind things about yourself. Try a mindfulness experiment. Every time your internal dialog says something negative, ask it, “What would you like me to understand?” Try this for a few hours, a day, a week, a month. I think you will be surprised by what you learn.

And, in my mind, once you make a commitment to a rescue animal, you see it through. So many animals are surrendered to shelters and euthanized because of separation anxiety.

Here, you have a value that you know, you want, you defend. 

My T said that, to my STBX, any "letting him in" at all, no matter what I say, gives him "mixed messages." He thinks he still has a chance as long as I am in some way in his life. I need to cut it off and deal with myself.

Totally agree!

[WitzEndWife]

Okay, I know I was overly hard on myself earlier. That's where I go when I feel frustrated - on the "shame train." But here, I thought I'd made all this progress. I mean, a year ago, I couldn't even fathom mustering the strength to leave. And now I've left. I know I don't want this relationship. But here, I'm still allowing him to mush my boundaries and intimidate and control me from afar.

I'll definitely find myself a CODA meeting, as it will probably help, but also I need to find ways to get my strength back. I think as the dog gets better, I'll be able to focus more and more on me. He seems to be settling more and more. Today he has been really good. My friend who came to watch him for a couple of hours today said that she was able to go downstairs and cook and he just slept. I left him alone in the house for five minutes and recorded him. He slept the whole time! So, there is hope that I'll be able to have a life again!

I do need to cut contact off again with STBX. I don't know what's scary about that. I know he'll rage. But also, the longer I wait to cut contact again, I think the worse it will be.