Step Parent to BPD Step Daughter

[RSM]

I'm hoping that I can get some advice and also some perspective on my adult step daughter whom I believe has BPD.  Her father is rightly focused on maintaining a relationship with his daughter who has no other significant relationships.  However this is causing issues in our relationship as I feel as though he does not set any boundaries what so ever with his daughter.  From the very beginning she has tried to drive a wedge between us.  She did not attend our wedding and for the last two years has not spoken directly to me.  However she does constantly communicate with her dad via telephone conversations and texts.  It is always a drama of some sort.  I have two adult children who have been very accepting, welcoming and respectful of my husband so it is difficult for me to see how his daughter treats me.  I would like to see my husband implement some boundaries for his daughter but am I being too tough?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

How does your H respond when you talk to him about setting better boundaries with his daughter? What boundaries, specifically, do you think would help?

My H has/had an enmeshed relationship with his BPD mom and boundaries were mushy. Asking him to tell her no didn't work for me. He recoiled at the thought of setting limits and saying no to her. He felt it was his duty to meet her needs.

What did work was accepting my reality and setting my own boundaries. H overshared intimate details about our life, so I explained why I would no longer share details with him that I wanted kept private. MIL triangulated and targeted me when the 3 of us spent time together, so visits with me involved were structured and planned. I released myself from the obligation to visit her or plan every holiday around her. It happened over time, but setting these boundaries and shifting my own expectations alleviated much of the strain and stress I was feeling.

If your husband doesn't respond to conversations about boundaries, are there boundaries you can set for yourself?