Is this normal for someone with Quiet BPD post breakup

[VeronicaL]

I've wondered if my ex had Quiet BPD , very able to hide their emotions, and alot of other things. Never freaking out, composed but afraid of vulnerablity. I also think there is some avoidance going on. We were together 2 years- in that time had 2 blindside breakups. First was emotional for him, devesated (he can't tell me but he has a problem--perhaps this?), the second was so out of the blue, things fine minutes prior, to cold and detached  as I was leaving his house...and cut off communication, feeling they needed space and blamed me for alot (created events that did not happen).No blocking, but would not communicate, told not call or text so they can heal and move on but his 'problem' is not solved. We went form talking 20 times, snap/text all day to cold turkey zero.

Fast forward 8 months. I never contacted them bc they didn't want me to...made up a story that I never gave them space after the first breakup(not true). I was dying everyday.  Out of the blue 2 weeks ago, they contacted me via text to answer "honestly" question asking why I did something. I asked why they asked now bc it was so long ago, and I had told them the truth . They answered that I took 5 minutes to respond  to text 5 words, and I am doing that again now- and he thinks it is odd.

I vividly remember taking long bc at the time, (it was post breakup and I accidentally contacted them via the app truly an accident but I was upset bc I saw their name come up near my cousin on the app map and I shut the phone off and it screen shot instead and  and it alerted  them;/)..I did not want to explain that I was very sad it even happened, and I started to explain and just stopped and said Sorry I was surprised to see on my map...acccident.

Well, this time too..As I was re-explaining I gave a brief answer and they must have picked up my hesitancy but tbh my soul feels broken over the whole thing bc we were so great and even at breakup they said they are not done loving me they have to do this..

Anyway..I did admit I was sad that we were strangers now  after being best friends and a couple and I didn't want to explain that back then but that was part of my hesitancy.  There was more to it that he does not know why bc I never told him this time...it was just complicated. So I told him I just kept backtracking and erasing the text bc I was trying to figure out how much to tell him, really.  I mean I can't trust anymore.

He asked me if I had any questions that I could ask him (about breakup bc the topic came up about unanswered questions). I was a little upset by his contact and just said yes, that later would work better for me and thanks I will ask him then. He answered my texts immediately...He asked about 3 times to be honest. I was trying to figure out if he was analyzing if I was over him, or if I wanted him or what..Or if he was feeling his way, or just hated me...

  I also asked him why he is worried about this today (3 months later).  I have no idea after 8 months why he is thking about me.or just curious about it.

Well we attend the same university, and the next day I ran into him unexpectedly. He just looked at me (he had seen me first) and no hello, no nothing.  Not a glare.  I saw him again, from a distance another day, and we have some mutual activities and friends. I finally decided to send him a text today, not about my question, but  mentioned that we are  we are on media, like and watch each others things, but now act like we never knew each other and did he want to grab food or something so it's not always like that.  It was truly just to be smoother, not trying to get back. He had not been online for many hours, but came online to simply said, "to be honest, I don't really want to do that". No explanation, kind of cold.

I am accepted the breakup, and all of that. I am surprised by this time passed, that he still sees me as negative. (or I feel).    I was hopeful for a cordial at least neutral relationship. I have no idea what happened to him, or if there is a trauma or what. Ever since that one night, he was not the person I knew.  It just makes me so sad.

Is it normal to reach out after so long with something so bizarre, and then to retreat again?  I waited till I was strong enough not to get upset over his answer whatever it was gonna be..so I guess by 8 months Im not crumbling but actually mad to be honest.

Thanks I'm struggling a little bc I just feel he never really told me what his problem was, why he needed to break up but he can't be in a relationship. I feel he deliberately created a persona that is not even him--like he hid the real him even down to his real interests. Maybe I saw pieces of it...but when it got too close it's is like he either mirrored me or just hid himself.
Is BPD like that also? I feel tormented when thoughts come back not to understand what happened.  He seems so normal...but I know none of this is.

Thank you

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[SaltyDawg]

Thanks for sharing your story, I see that no one has responded, so I will take an educated guess at it.

While I haven't specifically experienced what you described, I have read about it while trying to figuring out my uBPDw earlier this year.  I didn't keep the reference to it, as it was not relevant to me, but I am sure you can find it by googling it.

You will likely want to look up  "h o o v e r i n g" [without the spaces as this bpfamily.com considers that a derogatory term and renames it to 'charming' and,
also search "covert narcissist", search for all three words and you will come up with many articles to read, see if one fits your situation and you will gain a much better unbiased understanding.

You will likely never know what is true problem is because both narcissists (most types) and high functioning borderlines are incapable of processing what is wrong with themselves and are in denial.  They will also not change, unless they want to change.  You must decide if you want to get back together, with an extremely high probability to only to experience the same painful/confusing emotions again.  Most sources recommend not doing this; however, it is your choice.

In any event, if you can afford it, both of you should seek individual counseling and in the unlikely event that you get back together couples counseling is even more recommended.