Boundaries, standing up for myself, her going her going back to work.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The past few months I have been more firm on having a no tolerance boundary for abuse.  If name calling starts, I leave, and tell her I will be back at a certain time.  This has helped me tremendously, but it hasn't lessened her outbursts.   I've also been better about telling myself that I am doing nothing wrong.  Sure there are things I could do better at, but the things she thinks I am doing "wrong" are not issues for non-disordered people.  I am doing less "self evaluation" after incidents, and instead recognizing the issue is the disorder, and that helps me move on much quicker.  I can't say I am any less stressed right now, but it has given me more physical and emotional space.

I have also been firm on a lot of things and not worried about managing her reaction.  W wants to move into a bigger house.  Or sell and then rent, or ANYTHING to get out of the current house.  I've been firm on my reasoning about not renting, not moving into a condo, and not spendng beyond our means.  This basically means we need additional income if we are to move. 

So W went about finding a job teaching at the same school the kids will go to kindergarten.  It's a good school and a good job.  But 2 weeks after W signed the contract, she decided to back out, citing stress, and the kids will now go to a school that is closer to our house.  After backing out, she is in a better mood.

I am hoping that that will put an end to her 3+ per week hours long diatribes about hating our house and wanting to move.  I am guessing this will be short lived, but I think she knows where I stand and understands now that moving out of this house will require her getting and keeping a job.

From my end - it will ease a ton of stress for awhile as long at the housing diatribes diminish. 

I'm proud of myself for being more firm and trusting myself to do what is right instead of worrying as much about her reactions.  Unfortunately, that means just doing things rather than doing things as a couple, but that is much better than hours long conversations about "what to do".

[maxsterling]

The past few months I have been more firm on having a no tolerance boundary for abuse.  If name calling starts, I leave, and tell her I will be back at a certain time.  This has helped me tremendously, but it hasn't lessened her outbursts.   I've also been better about telling myself that I am doing nothing wrong.  Sure there are things I could do better at, but the things she thinks I am doing "wrong" are not issues for non-disordered people.  I am doing less "self evaluation" after incidents, and instead recognizing the issue is the disorder, and that helps me move on much quicker.  I can't say I am any less stressed right now, but it has given me more physical and emotional space.

I have also been firm on a lot of things and not worried about managing her reaction.  W wants to move into a bigger house.  Or sell and then rent, or ANYTHING to get out of the current house.  I've been firm on my reasoning about not renting, not moving into a condo, and not spendng beyond our means.  This basically means we need additional income if we are to move. 

So W went about finding a job teaching at the same school the kids will go to kindergarten.  It's a good school and a good job.  But 2 weeks after W signed the contract, she decided to back out, citing stress, and the kids will now go to a school that is closer to our house.  After backing out, she is in a better mood.

I am hoping that that will put an end to her 3+ per week hours long diatribes about hating our house and wanting to move.  I am guessing this will be short lived, but I think she knows where I stand and understands now that moving out of this house will require her getting and keeping a job.

From my end - it will ease a ton of stress for awhile as long at the housing diatribes diminish. 

I'm proud of myself for being more firm and trusting myself to do what is right instead of worrying as much about her reactions.  Unfortunately, that means just doing things rather than doing things as a couple, but that is much better than hours long conversations about "what to do".

[15years]

I hope it's okay to ask a few questions, as this is what I should practice too. Sounds like this boundary gives your life more structure and stability, am I right?

Do you always feel motivated to leave when she reverts to name calling, or do you have to "just do it"?

How does your children respond to you leaving?

For how long do you leave?

[Notwendy]

 

Max, this is a big step for you, so I am cheering you on with the boundary of not moving to a bigger house. You know that it's not the house that is the issue. Your wife's issues will remain if you move, and you will have financial problems on top of that. You know that her complaints about the house are only projections of her feelings on to the house.  She'd have the same problems if you moved into Buckingham Palace.

I am also glad to see you are not tolerating abuse as much.

As to your wife working- I am glad that this boundary led her to explore the option. My own BPD mother can not emotionally handle the tasks of a job. She's very intelligent, but her emotional difficulties would get in the way. When my parents married, the trend was for women to not work outside the home, so this was not an expectation of her. It's different now, and so it's good that your wife has the chance to explore that option. What happened was for her to learn the natural consequences of accepting a job and for you to see what happened, so there's no illusion about "if we get a bigger house she will get a job". You know that isn't going to happen.

I also commend you for holding the financial boundary. I've written before that my dad took on debt at some point. BPD mother would project issues on to wanting things as well and that didn't solve her emotional distress.  We kids were aware of the additional strain that debt put on our father. I commend you for not taking this on to get a bigger house- especially in today's economy, it's just not wise to do that. Good for you for holding this boundary.

[maxsterling]

15years - There are times in the past where I would rather not leave because there are things to do at home.  But now I typically have a routine, and a list of things I can do out of the house as to not feel bored or unproductive.  Typically now I will be gone at least an hour, and if I have something to do I will take longer.  Funny thing is W will later remark about how I "abandoned her" by leaving and how she had to do extra work taking care of the kids.  She doesn't realize that she has control over this. 

The kids have gotten used to it.  I usually ask them if they are okay before I leave.  When I come home, W usually has had them doing something (a craft or activity) as a means of "proving" she is a good mother. 

As for financial boundaries - W is already starting to get back her future-tripping.  She was back to telling me how she was "browsing Zillow" last night...  I don't think she understands how it works.  She acts like she would be willing to move into a less desirable neighborhood further away in order to gain another bathroom and 500 square feet.   The tradeoff is that we would be paying more per month and back to living paycheck to paycheck and saving nothing.  I would like to retire in 15 years.  If I am paying rent or mortgage when I retire, my pension ain't gonna go very far. 

And Wendy, you are 100% right.  It's a black hole.  She thinks this or that will make things better, but nothing ever does.  Usually it makes things worse.  Moving into another house would be a temporary fix.   It may help me and the kids in that we will have more space to be away from her moods, but it won't help her in the way she thinks it will. 

She thinks I am controlling her or making her "stuck" here, yet she doesn't understand that she can make her own decisions and choose her own path, but instead she chooses dependence upon me. 

[Notwendy]

I am so glad to see this change Max.

The tone of your post is from action/choice position, rather than a post about what she does to you- it's about how you are acting to manage the situation. It's a shift from feeling you are being subjected to her behavior to- "this is what I do".

She chooses dependence upon me.


She's choosing in a way, but actually, the reality is- she is dependent on you Max. It doesn't mean she likes it- I don't think people really like to be dependent. I think there's some shame in feeling dependent. But I know this, from having a BPD mother at about the level of functioning that your W is, that she can not hold a job or manage a lot of daily tasks on her own. I don't think your wife can either. Although my father provided support above and beyond for her- nice clothes, nice vacations- she complained about feeling "stuck". Her perspective is in victim mode.

I am also glad you are holding the boundary financially and know that another house is just a projection of her feelings and magical thinking. It won't solve her feelings and it will put too much financial strain on you.

On a positive side, you see that the kids are OK and that your W takes pride in being a good mother. People also have a need to feel competent and receive recognition for this. There's a dark side to enabling- because while enabling feels so noble and "being nice" - it takes away a person's feeling of competence. You can see this with your children when they do something "look at me Dad, I drew a face" or "see me jump". You might notice them struggle to do something, get frustrated, and try again and get excited that they did it.

My BPD mother comes from a high functioning, perfectionistic family with narcissistic traits. There's a bar so high, it seems almost impossible to feel accomplished. So rather than try, she will manipulate, or rage at someone else to do something for her. That way, if we don't do it well enough for her, she can blame us. Walking on eggshells and complying with her requests became the rule in our house. The other side of this is that- competency comes with doing things- you get better at them. Because she demands that other people do these household tasks for her- we got better at them, she didn't. This led to less self esteem and more shame for her- and more demands to do things for her.

Is this chicken or egg? I don't know but BPD mother can barely function in day to day tasks now. We don't dare ask her to do anything- the reaction is indignation. But I recall one day being busy with my kids and asking her (parents were visiting)  to make them sandwiches for lunch. She actually did, and seemed happy about it. I realized this is a rare occurrence for her- to be asked to do something to help.

BPD mother's family constantly praises her for ordinary things. It sounds like they are talking about a child. It sounds patronizing to me, especially when they are talking about things like running a business. Saying something like " the kids had fun making crafts today" is a way to point out the positive without sounding insincere or condescending.

It's good to see you taking action on your boundaries!

[PeteWitsend]

Yeah, I also noticed pwBPD do well with small chores or tasks they can easily handle, provided they aren't given  an ongoing responsibility.

This is Especially true if they have an "audience" to play for they can then impress and get praise from. 

In contrast, If a task involved doing something challenging or in obscurity, they'd get angry and resentful for having to do it. 

[maxsterling]

Wendy - funny you posted that now.

Yesterday W was upset at me for not going out of my way to "thank" her for going to Costco.  I didn't thank her because I consider going to the store a normal day-to-day task.  If someone thanks me for doing a task like this, I feel I am being patronized.  If our roles were switched and I was the one tanked for buying groceries, I would interpret as "thanks for doing something you are supposed to do anyway" and the comment would make me feel awful.

[PeteWitsend]

Wendy - funny you posted that now.

Yesterday W was upset at me for not going out of my way to "thank" her for going to Costco.  I didn't thank her because I consider going to the store a normal day-to-day task.  If someone thanks me for doing a task like this, I feel I am being patronized.  If our roles were switched and I was the one tanked for buying groceries, I would interpret as "thanks for doing something you are supposed to do anyway" and the comment would make me feel awful.

if you had thanked her, she'd probably still get angry for that very reason. 

[Notwendy]

Hard to know how anything will be received. Observing how my BPD mother's family speaks, it's more compliments. They'd say something like "you got such a good deal on this at Costco" rather than "thank you for going to Costco".

It's probably easier to find something to say sincerely this way- something like "the kids had so much fun doing that craft with you" rather than "thanks for doing crafts".

I don't think one can go wrong with "thank you" ( regardless of the reaction- it's a nice thing to say) but finding something to compliment might help.

A while back, I had food catered for a get together with BPD mother's family. This was a special occasion, not something ordinary.  She and her family said the food was nice but not much else.

I would have said "thank you, this was a lovely visit" or "thank you, it was good to see you and the food was great" because the point was to get together. It's important to have nice food too at a get together,  but to me, seeing everyone was the main event.  There's something about being around her family that's invalidating- like they don't see you, even when they are saying something nice.

I can't tell if they are being patronizing or sincere when they compliment BPD mother but she does respond to it positively. It's probably trial and error to see what your wife responds to, and it could possibly be a different response depending on her mood. I think it's important to be sincere though. Going to Costco isn't out of the ordinary, but maybe there's something there to compliment. "wow they had a great deal on chicken this week, thanks for finding that".

[Manic Miner]

I would have said "thank you, this was a lovely visit" or "thank you, it was good to see you and the food was great" because the point was to get together. It's important to have nice food too at a get together,  but to me, seeing everyone was the main event.  There's something about being around her family that's invalidating- like they don't see you, even when they are saying something nice.

Wow, so many similarities to my own inlaws. I remember my MiL rarely saying 'thank you' or 'it was nice' when I offer something personally.
For example 'hey MiL I bought some ice cream for us all, do you want some too?' No. 'Coffee?' No.
Time and time again. Eventually I stopped offering anything to her that wasn't just a pure formality.

Both inlaws rarely acknowledge when you do something nice for them. It's like they don't care at all and MiL even wants to compete or give all kinds of advices nobody asked.

But this says more about her manners (or lack of) than anything else. Combined with some NPD traits and total lack of self-esteem it makes more sense too.

[Notwendy]

I think it can give you some insight into how it must feel to grow up in such a family. I think I have a solid sense of self, and know that nobody is perfect, but I have done some things well and feel competent at them. Still, being around my mother's FOO feels invalidating.

They also aren't subtle when you mess up. I recall being late for a family function. I had a good reason for that, and was very tired from a long drive and dealing with an unexpected situation that caused me to be late. So they don't say anything directly about it, but one of them brings me aside, tells me a story about how once they were late for a family function and how upset people were with them.  Well he didn't specifically call me out on it...

Now, imagine being someone who has an unstable sense of self and difficulty functioning. Imagine not being directly complimented for what you did well and also being indirectly told so when you mess up.

It may help understand why even the smallest comment can set them off, or why they seem to need a lot of positive reinforcement. Doesn't mean we deserve their reacting to us the way they do. We didn't create this. However, it may help to not take their reactions as personally.

It might be just lack of manners, but family habits and customs set the "normal" that is passed on to other generations. Your in laws are probably acting in the same way their parents did with them. This doesn't make them disordered, but perhaps for a vulnerable person in that family, it was more difficult.

[Manic Miner]

It may help understand why even the smallest comment can set them off, or why they seem to need a lot of positive reinforcement. Doesn't mean we deserve their reacting to us the way they do. We didn't create this. However, it may help to not take their reactions as personally.

I think I'm already processing what you said very much and can understand my W much better now. Her family was so invalidating - father a recovered alcoholic, mother neurotic, brother full of unrestrained rage when he was young. Yeah, I get it. Toxicity on steroids.

The problem is two-fold now. First, my W is living with her parents and she's never been better with them. While I always suggested to quit fighting and accept them as they are, for their good side, this is the opposite. She's listening to her mother more than ever. She'd rather fight me than be assertive to her. It's taboo for me to say anything remotely bad about them now.

Even worse though is the fact that W can be toxic when we meet together. Full of hurt, resentfulness, trying to belittle me when we talk about sensitive topics and she loses patience. It's very hard to be kind and execute your own deeper understanding when someone is just being rude to you. Like a teenage angst, but even worse, as you still have some control as a parent there.

[Notwendy]

To me that is classic triangle. Two ends of the triangle are bonded well when they are both aligned against the third end. They aren't focusing on their own issues, but are aligned against a single "persecutor".

Your in laws are the rescuers, your wife, the victim. They are aligned against you.

My parents seemed to get along best when they were in this configuration. Persecutors could be anyone they were angry at, including us kids.

It would be similar if she had run into the arms of another man. It would appear they are both happy. But it's not a solution for dysfunction.

[maxsterling]

Well, already things are receding a bit.  Her pulling out of the job meant putting the kids in a different school.  She is already second guessing that, and already expressing frustration with one of the teachers for not being more communicative (to her, everyone else must be able to reply within 10 minutes or less, must be able to read her mind, and put her before all others).  The issue?  One kid's teacher sent out a "welcome" email, the other had not yet.  School starts in a week.  Yet had she kept her teaching job, I highly doubt she would have sent the parents such an email by now. 

She also is upset that her MIL has not contacted her at all since her dad passed away, and can't figure out what she did wrong to upset her MIL.  Well 1) she basically accused her MIL of elder abuse claiming she was withholding care from her dad, 2) questioned her dad's wishes regarding cremation.  And she wouldn't stop.  MIL angrily walked away from the r/s, and W blocked her communication.  So, does W not remember what happened?  Does W focus only on MIL getting angry and hanging up the phone and gloss over her role?  Does W not see how this has happened over and over and over in her life?  Is W in a disassociated state in some way?  W almost never seems to grasp that the way others behave around her is in direct response to the way she behaves towards them and simply cannot see how this is possible. 

[Notwendy]

Max- victim perspective puts people in either rescuer or persecutor position.

The emotional payoff of victim perspective is lack of accountability. Being accountable risks feeling shame. With my BPD mother, any hint of her being "at fault" causes her to dissociate. Unfortunately for her, this means she doesn't learn the connection between her own behavior and how other people react to that. Dissociation scrambles that in a way.

Without learning from the consequences of our own behavior, the behavior continues.

On your part, you can change your responses to this, you can have boundaries, but you can not change how your wife thinks and processes.

The other payoff for this is a strong bond with the rescuer. When two people are aligned looking outward at a common "persecutor" - they aren't looking at themselves or their own issues. In this configuration, they feel more stable. This may be why stepping in as rescuer is comfortable for you.

With MIL-it seems your wife has disconnected her own behavior from the consequences of your mother's reaction.

So, does W not remember what happened?   Probably not, as dissociation can do this and also drugs.


Does W focus only on MIL getting angry and hanging up the phone and gloss over her role?    My BPD mother does this. Makes no connection to how she treats others and their reaction.


Does W not see how this has happened over and over and over in her life?  
 No, she likely doesn't. Her dissociation ( and drugs ) either removes this from her consciousness or she truly forgets it. Hard to know, but I think it would be too much to manage emotionally- which is why people dissociate/projection/denial. You can't change how someone else thinks or processes.

Is W in a disassociated state in some way?  W almost never seems to grasp that the way others behave around her is in direct response to the way she behaves towards them and simply cannot see how this is possible.


Projection, denial, and dissociation do this and are a part of her mental illness. Drugs do this too.

[Manic Miner]

To me that is classic triangle. Two ends of the triangle are bonded well when they are both aligned against the third end. They aren't focusing on their own issues, but are aligned against a single "persecutor".

Your in laws are the rescuers, your wife, the victim. They are aligned against you.

My parents seemed to get along best when they were in this configuration. Persecutors could be anyone they were angry at, including us kids.

It would be similar if she had run into the arms of another man. It would appear they are both happy. But it's not a solution for dysfunction.

NotWendy, I appreciate your responses so much. You seem to be on point. What do you suggest here, when I am in the far end of a triangle? What do I do next? Just quietly step down, disappear or fight for... - our future, staying together, our marriage?

I have a problem to set my position here. How much is too much and how little is too little? If I stop caring about our marriage, enough is enough, just go my way and leave formal connection with W only, I think there's a large chance that she will stop entirely too, so divorce will be the only option. As T said to me "you are the driving force of this relationship".

However, If I don't, If I show that I care, I will enter that triangle again and possibly annoy her in the process. I can't see how to move myself to the middle... Boundaries? Anything else?

[Notwendy]

Thanks, discovering my mother has BPD was like a light bulb came on for me. The triangle dynamics were helpful in understanding my parents, how quickly my father would side with her "against" me when she was angry at me. Through this explanation I was able to best understand him and not take it personally.

So with regard to romantic relationships, like any relationship, the questions seem to be "how can I get them to come back" "How can I get them to like me again" "How to fix this" but I think a problem with this approach is that- to them, you want to fix something- which means something is wrong with this - and yet what you have is exactly what you see. You want to bring them back to their nice side, but this side is also a facade for them - and underneath that mask is the fear that they won't be liked if they showed all of themselves so when you seek that from them, you are in a way, validating that fear.

I think the tendency is to long for the part where they aren't dysregulated but they are the whole picture and in some situations, extremely impaired as my mother is. So is it fair to only want "nice mommy" when the other parts of her are also my mother?

Another aspect of this question is that it asks- what can I do to act on another person. What can I do to influence their feelings? This is actually controlling. It's also an impossible task. The other person is their own separate person with their own feelings. The truth is- we can't make someone like us, or want us, or even be nice to us. All we can do is decide our own boundaries - how we respond when someone doesn't treat us the way we want to be treated.

Part of this is also to be realistic. As much as I wish for the nice aspects of my mother, the abuse is a part of a relationship with her. I also have to consider myself in this. It's a difficult decision.

To me the best way to stay off the triangle is to take a neutral, less reactive, stance.

So to your dilemma-
What do I do next? Just quietly step down, disappear or fight for... - our future, staying together, our marriage?

One one hand, you fear the dissolution of your marriage if you give her space.

If you push, you fear that you will push too much and it will dissolve your marriage.

What is the common drive to these two approaches?

Fear of the relationship ending. Fear driven behavior is co-dependent. You are trying to influence her reaction according to something you do, as if you had that power in the first place. You don't.

She will make her own decision. There are two of you involved here and she also needs to decide she wants the relationship. The best you can do is decide how you will respond to what she decides.

I think your approach to staying neutral and polite in your communications is about the best you can do here. Let her know the door is open if she chooses to come back, but it's her choice here. The tools on this board help us to look at our own behavior and if we are contributing to conflict and drama. We can reduce our part of it. It this results in the dynamics changing for the better- that's great. In some situation it's been possible to then have a relationship with less of it, but they still can make their own choices.

Meanwhile take care of you. You don't have to accept unwanted behavior but also - don't ignore the whole picture either. I think it's unrealistic to expect no dysregulations if they are a regular part of who she is.

I hope others in such a situation will offer additional advice. I just have learned that trying to control my BPD mother's behavior doesn't work very well- but working on how I react to it works better to keep me from joining in drama with her. She still makes her own choices.

[Manic Miner]

NW, thank you!  

Fear of the relationship ending. Fear driven behavior is co-dependent. You are trying to influence her reaction according to something you do, as if you had that power in the first place. You don't.

You're correct about my co-dep traits, it's something I'm working on since last year.

However, she is/was mirroring me. I guess it's a bit different in romantic relationship compared to a parent with BPD. Just an example, if I went on a hiking tour without her, she would do something similar next week on her own - and that's not something she usually does. If I don't show her affection first, she won't be the one to start. If I do something nice for her, she will do almost exactly the same next time. And so on.

I'm not influencing her with intimidation, no. But she is copying my own behaviour, both good and bad. And to be frank, that can be more than tiring.

Since we separated, she's checking "my pulse" to see whether I care or not. If I show that I don't care (me saying I'm ok on my own), she goes to that extreme - "he doesn't care about me at all, I'm great on my own too! We are divorcing", etc. And vice versa.

She's a pushover, always was. Maybe it's hard to explain here, but her behaviour is more drama/acting than a real thing - she hides her true feelings somewhere deep down and rarely talks about it - hence bad communication and so many conflicts. I begged her so many times to open up, but no. That's why that line "pwBPDs don't seem to have a strong sense of self" rings true here.

I had a hard time to show that I care, but that I don't want to be in the far end of their (W & FOO) triangle.

I think your approach to staying neutral and polite in your communications is about the best you can do here. Let her know the door is open if she chooses to come back, but it's her choice here.

Correct, that's the trick for this.  

[Eva.Flora]

Max,

I identified a lot with your story.
I have the same issue with my partner.
He also wants a change of environment, but for that he would also need to be employed.
I feel like there will always be a problem, there will always be a question. Moving house, changing car, job, city… will not solve the problems.
It will bring peace for a short time and then the outbreaks come back.
I'm so glad you're imposing your limits in a clear and peaceful way.
This will only bring you benefits and will help you rescue your individuality and self-esteem. Which are so important things for those who deal with these situations. I have a hard time imposing my limits, but I'm trying harder every day.
Speaking a little of my experiences, my partner also puts himself in the victim position. He always likes to say that I help a lot of people get a job, but for him I never can. The curious fact is that he is an English teacher and I work in a film production company. I don't have contact with anyone in his work area, but he prefers to leave the responsibility to me. I suffered a lot, but today I understand that it is the syndrome speaking. Exactly as you said, it helps me a lot to move forward.
Congratulations on your posture! I was very happy to read your comment.

The past few months I have been more firm on having a no tolerance boundary for abuse.  If name calling starts, I leave, and tell her I will be back at a certain time.  This has helped me tremendously, but it hasn't lessened her outbursts.   I've also been better about telling myself that I am doing nothing wrong.  Sure there are things I could do better at, but the things she thinks I am doing "wrong" are not issues for non-disordered people.  I am doing less "self evaluation" after incidents, and instead recognizing the issue is the disorder, and that helps me move on much quicker.  I can't say I am any less stressed right now, but it has given me more physical and emotional space.

I have also been firm on a lot of things and not worried about managing her reaction.  W wants to move into a bigger house.  Or sell and then rent, or ANYTHING to get out of the current house.  I've been firm on my reasoning about not renting, not moving into a condo, and not spendng beyond our means.  This basically means we need additional income if we are to move. 

So W went about finding a job teaching at the same school the kids will go to kindergarten.  It's a good school and a good job.  But 2 weeks after W signed the contract, she decided to back out, citing stress, and the kids will now go to a school that is closer to our house.  After backing out, she is in a better mood.

I am hoping that that will put an end to her 3+ per week hours long diatribes about hating our house and wanting to move.  I am guessing this will be short lived, but I think she knows where I stand and understands now that moving out of this house will require her getting and keeping a job.

From my end - it will ease a ton of stress for awhile as long at the housing diatribes diminish. 

I'm proud of myself for being more firm and trusting myself to do what is right instead of worrying as much about her reactions.  Unfortunately, that means just doing things rather than doing things as a couple, but that is much better than hours long conversations about "what to do".

[maxsterling]

Manic - one thing that is changing for me is that I not longer see whether the relationship works as something that is in my control.  I can do what is right for me and for my family based upon what I know to be right and she can make her own decisions.  I am no longer fighting to "make things work".  If she comes up with some wild accusation that I know is not true - just leave it.  Up to her whether she believes her own lies.  If the marriage ends, I know what to do and I know I will be okay in the end. 

[Eva.Flora]

That's it Max.
You're absolutely right.
Everyone is responsible for their actions and consequences.
I wish you to evolve more and more and be happy!

Manic - one thing that is changing for me is that I not longer see whether the relationship works as something that is in my control.  I can do what is right for me and for my family based upon what I know to be right and she can make her own decisions.  I am no longer fighting to "make things work".  If she comes up with some wild accusation that I know is not true - just leave it.  Up to her whether she believes her own lies.  If the marriage ends, I know what to do and I know I will be okay in the end.