Left Holding The Bag Again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know I haven't had any major issues in about 4 years, after my ex finally divorced her husband after mutual DV and drama. I'll still post if maybe it helps someone, even lurkers.

For the 6th year in a row, I'm left to get in line and sit on concrete for over four hours in order to get the kids into the after school program. 530AM at the latest. We have to wait until 10AM.  It's "first come, first served." Last year, she dropped off the kids with me at 830AM. The prior year, I asked for support and she forgot, then mocked me for complaining. I save her thousands in after-school care each year. Even at 530AM last year, I was like 140th in line.

She's taking the kids out of town that week. I'll be on the hook for attending orientations at two schools as well as the after school orientation. Same as last year. I'm sick of it.

What's helped me is thinking, "I'm a single parent." Not really, but kind of.  Our last big argument was over taking days off with the kids due to sickness and covid. She was promoted to being a manager earlier this year. I recently was as well to a supervisor (barely dodging being laid off). I've taken far more days, yet she "threw in my face" that I asked her 6 years ago to take a week off in the summer transition and only paid her less than her salary. I've never asked her to pay me for my time when I watch them on hers.

So I'll do it this last year. S turns 13 in January. He'll be 13-14 the following school year, 2023/24. I'm thinking next year of telling her that she can get up at 5AM or earlier to get in line, or be on the hook for baby sitting. Our home has an alarm system, a guard dog, and I'll get S12 a flip phone next year or I'll get a landline. I think they can stay at home a few hours by themselves no problem and they can walk home from their schools with me. I'd off course pick them up if it's raining or really hot. She lives 7 miles away. No walking home.

I might be whining over minor things, but it's kind of draining.

The kids also said that she's taking them to Hawaii in the fall. Three years after she asked to borrow $25k to pay off her credit cards. I'm silent on judging that. At least I've got her on board for splitting S10's orthodontics, because I paid 100% for S12's, despite the stipulation. I'll start deducting from the check next month.

[Turkish]

I know I haven't had any major issues in about 4 years, after my ex finally divorced her husband after mutual DV and drama. I'll still post if maybe it helps someone, even lurkers.

For the 6th year in a row, I'm left to get in line and sit on concrete for over four hours in order to get the kids into the after school program. 530AM at the latest. We have to wait until 10AM.  It's "first come, first served." Last year, she dropped off the kids with me at 830AM. The prior year, I asked for support and she forgot, then mocked me for complaining. I save her thousands in after-school care each year. Even at 530AM last year, I was like 140th in line.

She's taking the kids out of town that week. I'll be on the hook for attending orientations at two schools as well as the after school orientation. Same as last year. I'm sick of it.

What's helped me is thinking, "I'm a single parent." Not really, but kind of.  Our last big argument was over taking days off with the kids due to sickness and covid. She was promoted to being a manager earlier this year. I recently was as well to a supervisor (barely dodging being laid off). I've taken far more days, yet she "threw in my face" that I asked her 6 years ago to take a week off in the summer transition and only paid her less than her salary. I've never asked her to pay me for my time when I watch them on hers.

So I'll do it this last year. S turns 13 in January. He'll be 13-14 the following school year, 2023/24. I'm thinking next year of telling her that she can get up at 5AM or earlier to get in line, or be on the hook for baby sitting. Our home has an alarm system, a guard dog, and I'll get S12 a flip phone next year or I'll get a landline. I think they can stay at home a few hours by themselves no problem and they can walk home from their schools with me. I'd off course pick them up if it's raining or really hot. She lives 7 miles away. No walking home.

I might be whining over minor things, but it's kind of draining.

The kids also said that she's taking them to Hawaii in the fall. Three years after she asked to borrow $25k to pay off her credit cards. I'm silent on judging that. At least I've got her on board for splitting S10's orthodontics, because I paid 100% for S12's, despite the stipulation. I'll start deducting from the check next month.

[Notwendy]

Turkish, I know that has to be frustrating, and while that seems unfair to you, your kids need someone to be a parent and all you do is an investment in them and your relationship with them.

Somehow, connections are made in the job of parenting. Driving carpool-we talk to the kids in the car. Watching the kids is spending time with them. It may feel unfair that you do more of this, but there's a connection made in these tasks.

It's not fair, and probably won't be fair, and that is frustrating, but in the long run, your ex is missing out on the opportunities to form connections. You are giving your kids the gift of having a great dad.

[GaGrl]

I'm sorry -- it has to be frustrating -- but I think your plan is solid.

I learned with my son, who was for the most part easy and accommodating, that if he dug in hard about something he wanted or needed, I had to seriously pay attention and work it out. After school care was one of those issues. He happily went to after school care at his elementary school until the year he was turning 11, and he announced he wanted to come home on the bus and stay by himself for the two hours until I got home. I fretted, but in the end, with all the safeguards put in place, thanks's what he did, and it was fine.

[Turkish]

Personally? I take any extra time I get with the kids. I wouldn't mind having them full time. I just get frustrated by the attitude that certain logistical things are "daddy's job." I can't think of a single thing I'd think of that on the other side. Well maybe taking the kids on multiple vacations per year, spending herself into near bankruptcy...

Even girl- woman issues I'd deal with, and I'm thankful that D10 has her mother, but I'd adapt and handle it.  Next year should be interesting.

One area I've grown is becoming more involved with the schools. I was the "civilian" rep to interview the new principals at both of the kids' schools and another in the district. This from the Lone Wolf not-a-joiner. Also the school site council and PTA they wanted me to join as an officer for both. I'm not sure why as i haven't been involved otherwise. Seems they're desperate for parental involvement.

It's provided me with perspective and appreciation upon and about how tough it is for those who work in education.

[15years]

It may feel unfair that you do more of this, but there's a connection made in these tasks.

I have thought about this. Kids notice when a parent consistently deals with things they cannot handle themselves and it builds trust. If one parent does the majority of these tasks (like putting to bed, cooking food together with kids), that parent becomes the one the children turns to with problems/worries etc. When I was young, I always turned to my mom and I'd say mothers often have that role in families. I think for some BPD mothers, it causes great shame if they feel they are not the primary parent, because that is what's expected of them. I don't think it's generally a big deal for BPD fathers?

I've told you before that my W was upset when our older son (then 2-4 yo) always came to my side of the bed in the middle of the night, she made up a rule that he will always come to his mom first. Thankfully she has let go of this demand now.

Personally? I take any extra time I get with the kids. I wouldn't mind having them full time. I just get frustrated by the attitude that certain logistical things are "daddy's job." I can't think of a single thing I'd think of that on the other side. Well maybe taking the kids on multiple vacations per year, spending herself into near bankruptcy...

Even girl- woman issues I'd deal with, and I'm thankful that D10 has her mother, but I'd adapt and handle it.  Next year should be interesting.

One area I've grown is becoming more involved with the schools. I was the "civilian" rep to interview the new principals at both of the kids' schools and another in the district. This from the Lone Wolf not-a-joiner. Also the school site council and PTA they wanted me to join as an officer for both. I'm not sure why as i haven't been involved otherwise. Seems they're desperate for parental involvement.

It's provided me with perspective and appreciation upon and about how tough it is for those who work in education.

It's frustrating because this is something that in the best of circumstances could be divided 50/50, it would also benefit the children to have two parents who they fully trust. While being the "primary" care taker has its benefits in these circumstances, 50 % of the care taking/involvement would be enough to maintain a strong bond with children, so everything after that is extra work that won't necessarily make us better parents or role models.

I know there are bpd parents whose need to be in control is so big that they push the other parent away from the kids in part or totally. That's the worst alternative.

[Notwendy]

I understand it's frustrating. I think pwBPD have a skewed sense of reciprocity. There's a sort of unspoken agreement between people to "share the work" of a relationship that seems off balance with someone with BPD. Even in a non romantic friendship. If I ask a friend to help me with something, then I am also available to help her if needed. It's not something we discuss, it's understood.

I think with someone with BPD, they feel an emptiness. I also think they tend to take victim perspective. So it doesn't seem to register to them if you are doing more or if it does, they feel they are entitled to it due to some sense of unfairness they feel.

With my BPD mother, it somehow meets an emotional need. She wants us to do things for her, but if we were to ask her to do something, her response is indignation. How dare we! We are to serve her, not the other way around.

I get that it frustrates you Turkish.

It's great that you are involved in the schools. I was involved as a volunteer when my kids were little. I guess due to traditional roles, there were more mothers than fathers volunteering. We were happy to see the fathers involved. I think it's good for the kids to see that, and the schools need the help.

[Turkish]

15years, their mom early on observed that our then D1/D2 liked me more than her. She stated is as an observation, much in the same tone when she told me one of her previous boyfriend's friends didn't like her. Like, "oh well..."

A few years ago, when I used to sometimes invite mommy to our house, mommy observed D then 6 or 7 crawling and sprawling on me. My ex said, "don't sit like that on daddy!" Like I was a molester or something. D told her, "no one tells me how to love my daddy!" And hugged me tighter.

I can't believe the audacity of your wife requiring attention first from your child. Invalidate much?

I think with someone with BPD, they feel an emptiness. I also think they tend to take victim perspective. So it doesn't seem to register to them if you are doing more or if it does, they feel they are entitled to it due to some sense of unfairness they feel.

Our last big, but short argument was early this year about me taking days off to watch the kids. She brought up that 6 years ago that I asked her to take 5 more days than me between summer camp and school. Though I did pay her some cash, she's right that I didn't pay her equivalent salary.

That's why I told her when we first split: save up your PTO for summer break, Christmas, winter and spring trimester breaks. I did, she didn't. I told her that i never asked her for money when i babysat our kids on her time.  Then she accused me of "counting", "it's not a competition to compare who takes more time off" when she just did exactly that.

I've taken a month of days since the beginning of the schoolyear. Luckily, my work situation changed so it worked out. I didn't feel like JADEing. I can do a lot more WFH as I transition into my new job, but I also need to be on-site to make a better impression at least for many months.

[Notwendy]

You are thinking about this logically- doing the math.

Her thinking is emotional. Thoughts=facts.

From my own experience, trying to put it in logical terms doesn't change how she thinks.

I understand expecting your ex to be a responsible parent. But personally, I find that having expectations leads to disappointment. For me, it's boundaries- if I am being treated poorly, I disengage, but the only way I know to cope is to not have expectations.

You are doing more than your share of the parenting. I think it would help to focus on who really benefits from your efforts and that is the kids. It may seem she's getting a free ride to do what she wants in terms of material, time off, vacations but the relationships with your kids is far more than that. 

[Turkish]

Got in line 5AM Wednesday. Tablet charged up with books downloaded, laptop charged so I could check in at work, PSP charged.

By happenstance, I landed next to the mom of D10's BFF. I don't know her well, but well enough. She watched my stuff as I went home to get a folding chair. I had only brought a sleeping bag and my backpack. I'm feeling my age...

The next parent was a character. We has good conversations. I checked my email (the first 2 years there was no wi-fi), but didn't read or play games on the PSP which sits in the closet all year. I'll give my ex some credit for thanking me on the phone for getting on line. I heard some parents were there at 11PM the previous night. I was maybe 70th in line. The line eventually stretched to over 300 or more, snaking around buildings. Staff opened up gates by 7AM or it would have been a mess.

Yesterday, I did orientations at the two schools. I really wish that they didn't force parents to fill out so many forms, like incomes for school lunches. At the junior high, we had to snake through about 12 tables and be checked off in order to get the schedule at the last table. 2 hours at each school, standing.

The upside is that S12 is in the advanced math (7th-8th combo though he's in 7th) and special projects 7th-8th combo classes. I told him that 7th-8th is where it starts to get serious in that behaviors and habits determine your trajectory into high school, college and life. It's the inertia of life.

2nd year in a row I've done the orientations by myself, 6th for the after school. 9 hours in lines. 

I saw the after school program manager at D10's school and she said that she suggested to her boss that having us line up 5 to 11 hours was ridiculous. Think of an alternative!

D10's former principal suggested that I run for school board trustee. I talked with one of the trustees at D10's orientation. It's political, you pay to get on the general election ballot. She canvassed, knocked on doors,  and spent her own $ for flyers and such. She said that you need to have a thick skin as she'd been approached by parents. I'm not a politician, no thanks. Yet we'll be in the district for 7 more years. I might change my mind...

[Notwendy]

It seems archaic to do the parent line up in the days of computers. I don't know why they don't do this like college registration where the upper level classes get priority- after all- they need to be able to graduate- and if the lower level classes don't get a class they want, they can take it later. They open registration by student year, starting with rising seniors, and assign different times.

And all the school forms! Those could be online too, and have print copies for families who prefer to use them. Orientation would be shorter too.

You are a good Dad to do that. Your kids will benefit. It feels unfair but it's for them.

[I Am Redeemed]

There has to be a better system than that. It's aftercare, not ticket sales for a rock concert, for heaven's sake. What do single parents without childcare do with their kids while waiting in lines that long? Ridiculous.

I live in a much smaller town, of course, but our aftercare registration is all online. It's still bothersome, because registration opens for ten days in July and then closes until the second week of school while they determine how many kids need care and how many staff members they have and will need. I missed registration this year so we have to wait until next week to get S6 in.

I get frustrated sometimes knowing that I am the only parent trying to do everything. But... someone has to, and in our situations, we are the Someones. Old Reliable .

I'm sure your kids can feel how much you love them and one day they will look back and realize just how much you sacrificed for them. Every single hard thing we do as parents is a demonstration of how to love our kids. It's an opportunity to place another brick onto a solid foundation for them, and it's worth it.

[Turkish]

There was a skipped year due to covid. Last year, I had printed out the 4 forms per kid. It used to take me about 35 mins to fill them out, but it ate up the time. Much to my chagrin, they came through starting a little after 915AM with a QR pattern, and it took 5 minutes to fill in. At least I killed time, but part of a tree.  It didn't work from my same phone this year, but they had staff with iPads to help.

At 10AM, the doors open and the line marches in to confirm at the school table if your kid got in.  Before, we had to go to the schools in the afternoon to see a posted hard-copy list to confirm.

Yeah, concert tickets, I remember those days. The last was for Pink Floyd, their last tour. Got there at 8AM, hundreds in line. They added 2 shows in Oakland due to the demand. We still only got nosebleed seats for the 3rd night where we couldn't see part of the stage, but at least I saw Pink Floyd. It was awesome. "One of these days!"

I did tell the kids I got in line, but I didn't guilt them like a pwBPD. They had a nice couple of days in monterrey, even whale-watching.

[zachira]

What seems to make it especially hard to have shared custody, is when you keep growing as a person and the other parent stays stuck in their old dysfunctional behaviors. It seems natural that the more you grow and distance yourself from the dysfunctional parent, the harder it can be to tolerate how the other parent treats you and your children.

[Turkish]

She's grown a little.  At least this time I've enforced her to split D10's orthodontics. I paid 100% for S12. Half CS checks for the next 7 months.

[zachira]

You say she has grown a little. The last thing to go in a dysfunctional relationship is often hope that the dysfunctional person will change. Are you still hoping/wishing for her to grow some more because you want what is best for your children?

[Turkish]

There haven't been any major conflicts between D and her mom since last fall.  D wouldn't tell the T, but she told me that sometimes there are angry people in families and you just accept it 

I talked to their aunt the other day about sometimes D being difficult but she and her mom seem to get along better. Aunt said that D was like her mom so yeah they'd have conflict.

[Notwendy]

I'd be careful about the comparison. If I got upset as a teen, any remark about my mother would feel scary. I didn't want to be like her. If I was acting emotional it was scary to me.

Some normal teen behavior can look similar to BPD. Teens can get moody and hormonal. But the comparison could be that the adult with BPD is acting like a younger person, not the teen acting like they have BPD.

I think raising teens, even when they are good kids, can be a challenge to even the most emotionally stable parent so you can probably expect some conflict between your D and her mother through the teen years. Sometimes the teen is acting out of bounds, but it may not always be that.