Hi again, new developments with kids and failures in coparenting

[Marianne-11]

Hi  ,

It’s been awhile since I’ve last posted. I guess I just feel the need to let this come out in a safe environment as I feel pretty alone as a parent dealing with the effects of mental illness in the family.

I’ve recently learned that my bpd ex husband is now also diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder. It’s been some two and a half years of being separated and parenting primarily left for me to handle as he has hobbies and ”things to do”. So he takes S6 and S13 to his place every other weekend if he has time. To be fair, there have also been good periods when he’s been somewhat reliable.

S6 is about to be diagnosed with ADHD, he has had big problems in dealing with emotions and can often be very impulsive and even aggressive. But he responds very well to some new tools I’ve learned for communicating with him. He is a very happy, lively and energetic boy when in balance. But there have been difficult times with his tantrums in the past, and especially S13 has had a hard time understanding why his younger brother has demanded so much of my time and energy before we started to understand it could be ADHD and began to find the right means to cope with it.

S13 on the other hand has become extremely rebellious and critical towards me. He has left home for a couple of nights and consumed alcohol and cigarettes and so on. He is strongly opposing meal times and time when he needs to come home at weekdays and all (what I consder to be normal) boundaries. I’m the only one setting boundaries to him and who is always there for him, so I am the one he can safely hate, it feels like. I think he misses his dad and also feels a bit left out because of the needs of his younger brother.

But, what really worries me is that he has started to lie a lot to my face, thinks he can decide to do whatever he wants no matter how harmful or risky. He openly takes pride in saying he is a friendly person outside home and here at home he can act however he likes. And that usually is very mean and rude. Effecting then S6 who takes steps backwards in his development every time there is a crisis with S13. Right now I have covid and he is judging me about how I am ill - my way of being ill is somehow wrong in his eyes. Other times he judges what I eat and the likes.

I’ve had to ask for help from his father when behavior of S13 has been extreme such as leaving home for two nights in August to party with people I don’t know in a place I did not know. With no luck - he is too busy. I’ve asked then help from CPS. They do help to some extent, but they don’t seem to understand the effects of mental illnesses in a family. Then they’ve called the father who first does not answer to them in a few weeks but as a new need for help came up recently, suddenly is cooperative and presents himself like a dad of the year.

I am just venting here as I feel super tired and afraid that the cycle with BPD (and possibly bipolar) begins again with S13. Also feel like a failure as a parent and I feel like the crazy one here. This could not be further from what I imagined family life would be like.

Thank you for reading!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Marianne-11
I wrote a long reply and something must have gone wrong with my posting! I have read your post again, and this time focused on the last paragraphs - tired, failure as a parent etc.

From the information in your post I feel that you have a right to be exhausted and you are anything but a failure as a parent. You are carrying a very heavy load and with such little support.

It is always difficult to distinguish what is within the scope of 'normal' teenage behaviour - pushing the boundaries, turning on the supporting parent - they can become unrecognisable as the loving child we nurtured.

When you have the knowledge of mental health issues there is always the question in the back of your mind - is a mental health issue developing?

There is no easy solution to the awful situation you are in at the moment. I hope their father can come to the party and put in a genuine effort to parent and to support you. I hope that both you and your sons can get the support you need from other sources too.

Most of all I hope you can (a) find someone who is able to support you on this journey whether it is a counsellor, a friend or medical professional and (b)you can find some space, however small, in your life that is just for you - to appreciate yourself, your life and all that you are giving to your children.

Don't let the tiredness be the opportunity for negative thoughts to take over. You are doing an amazing job.

[Marianne-11]

Hi Sancho, thank you for your kind and supporting words,  they really touched me and are much needed and appreciated.

You are so right in everything you write. The worry about a potential mental health issue is overwhelming.And accepting that I might not be able to do much about it. Overwhelming is also the thought that how is it possible that a kid I love very much and have done everything for has turned unrecognisable. I’ve stayed a bit distant in hopes that maybe time and distance will help. The little communication we’ve had with S13in recent days has been via messages, and mainly him giving me orders (do this, do that, or else) and being sarcastic.

I do feel extremely tired, but try to focus on getting myself back to balance and influence the things I can, such as getting the right support for S6. My mum and brother and two trusted friends all live far, but are very supportive and that is so important. And so is this community, as you really get it. Sometimes it feels difficult to explain whats going on to a new therapist or other professionals when it all sounds so crazy even to myself and I never know if they are familiar with BPD behavior or not. I am a trusting person, but am becoming very cautious in that respect.

[Sancho]

Hi Marianne-11
Glad you have found coming here helpful. I think your final couple of sentences are a good example of why this is the case for us.

You mention needing to see if a therapist 'gets it' etc. and how you have been a trusting person. This has been my experience too.

I would listen to 'experts' but in my heart I knew what they were saying wasn't going to work in my situation - but I doubted myself and tried things.

Same with friends. I would get very frustrated trying to help them understand that it was not a case of normal behaviour management processes - this was different, very different.

In the end I read up myself, came here and trusted my own instinct on what might work/not work.

I hope you are able to focus a bit more on yourself  and that you grow to trust yourself along this truly extraordinary/demanding journey with a bpd loved one.