A rational suggestion in an irrational dilemma…

[Firsttimefather]

As many of you I am sure, I have many supports to vent and talk to regarding my situations with my pwBPD and it is very helpful when of my handful of supports/ear/advice offerers there is a consistent suggestion shared amongst them. It really helps me when confronted with the rollercoaster ride that is my relationship. Every now and again however there is someone who offers a suggestion that is very rational and imo if I were dealing with a healthy relationship with a partner who possessed emotional maturity then yes, it is similar to how I would like to approach the matters at hand. I also want to mention that in my case my partner is pregnant so there are the comments of ‘well pregnancy can make people act differently , hormones etc.’…
 I was curious how other folks have responded or respond when someone offers advice and you feel as frustrated defending your stance as you feel they don’t understand dealing with a partner with BPD?

[kells76]

I get it... when the person is like "Well, why not just talk it out" or "Maybe if you listened more..." or "You know, she really has a point about..." -- our first impulse can be to JADE back and Explain, for example. why "That won't work because..."

So our task is finding ways to respond to those perhaps well-intentioned statements that really don't apply in our cases.

I guess my first thought would be to assess who I'm talking with. If it's a coworker, acquaintance, stranger, etc, then I probably wouldn't bother doing much dialogue. Maybe say something like "That'd sure be great if that worked! How about the weather this weekend...". Honestly probably not worth it to try to "get them to see" -- after all, even for us it took years to see the dysfunction and disorder. Likelihood is low that 2 minutes of conversation will help an acquaintance understand the insidiousness of PDs.

If it's a closer friend or family member, maybe try some validating questions or turning the questions back on them: "Interesting... how has that worked for you in your life, have you had times where it hasn't worked, what was that like" -- you're not JADEing right away, and it's a person who is worth talking with and might be open to new perspectives. So instead of having to engage with the content of  the advice, you can draw out the conversation and learn more about their experiences. Maybe they have interacted with a pwPD in the past, and then you both will have common ground. I.e. if you can turn the question around and be like "I agree it would be great to have more communication solve the issues! I'm curious if you've ever had someone in your life where that didn't work?", then that can open a door for more fruitful talk, where ultimately you may be able to slip in "Yeah, it's that same challenge between me and pwBPD".

Ultimately though it's your call on whether you think it's a person who is open to learning more, in which case you can prolong the dialogue with validating questions and learning about their experiences, or whether it just won't be worth it, in which case you can "validate the valid" -- i.e. agreeing that it would be nice if X were the case (like, "It would be nice if it were just the pregnancy hormones") --  and move on to a different topic.

You're the one who knows your real experience, so no matter what perspectives or advice anyone else offers, you are "allowed" to hold on to your experience in the face of others who don't really get it.

Food for thought...

kells76

[Firsttimefather]

Kels thank you! Great response. I need to read it a few times more but this is valuable feedback you have given. It should honestly be a page amongst the other helpful tools available here. Thanks again.