Just stay away….

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I spoke with a family law atty just for advice.It was supposed to be for 30minutes but lasted 8minutes. He said the following:

A.The state she resides in now is where you will need legal help    should you need/choose to seek further…

B. You are entitled to 50% custody but not really until after infancy and then be careful what you ask for in the parenting plan as it’s often difficult to change.

C. ‘I can tell you are concerned about the child as seldom do I get calls before the child is born and or a client receives some sort of legal precedent on behalf of the mother. That being said in the 30 years I have been practicing about 90% of my cases involve a spouse/SO with BPD. what stage are you in currently?” I reply “stonewalling’. He laughed and said “So in a day or maybe a few she will contact you again and restart the cycle of abuse. In my honest opinion with the exception of the child being taken from you and related dreams shattered, her being states away may be a blessing. As hard as it is to hear I advise you to stay away from her, don’t live with her under the same roof or your life may simply just become hell.Best of luck to you.”

This came also as I read 2 great articles on The Cycles Of Abuse and How long Trauma Bonds Last. Each article read like a script for the way these last six months carried out. Her promise of ‘come here where the grass is greener’ quite possibly was nothing more than a ‘hook’ and her saying it’s too late as I put in my notice with the landlord and started booking moving trucks was most likely always going to happen. In one of our last conversations she told me she was going to meet a friend from nursing school. Mind you she went to school here not where she is living there. I asked about this :”oh well I guess her sister works here so she is visiting.” Sure….
   I cried for hours thinking about how all the daydreams I had about being there to witness the birth of my first child and being there to be a father, to begin bonding, are not stripped from me.

[Firsttimefather]

So I spoke with a family law atty just for advice.It was supposed to be for 30minutes but lasted 8minutes. He said the following:

A.The state she resides in now is where you will need legal help    should you need/choose to seek further…

B. You are entitled to 50% custody but not really until after infancy and then be careful what you ask for in the parenting plan as it’s often difficult to change.

C. ‘I can tell you are concerned about the child as seldom do I get calls before the child is born and or a client receives some sort of legal precedent on behalf of the mother. That being said in the 30 years I have been practicing about 90% of my cases involve a spouse/SO with BPD. what stage are you in currently?” I reply “stonewalling’. He laughed and said “So in a day or maybe a few she will contact you again and restart the cycle of abuse. In my honest opinion with the exception of the child being taken from you and related dreams shattered, her being states away may be a blessing. As hard as it is to hear I advise you to stay away from her, don’t live with her under the same roof or your life may simply just become hell.Best of luck to you.”

This came also as I read 2 great articles on The Cycles Of Abuse and How long Trauma Bonds Last. Each article read like a script for the way these last six months carried out. Her promise of ‘come here where the grass is greener’ quite possibly was nothing more than a ‘hook’ and her saying it’s too late as I put in my notice with the landlord and started booking moving trucks was most likely always going to happen. In one of our last conversations she told me she was going to meet a friend from nursing school. Mind you she went to school here not where she is living there. I asked about this :”oh well I guess her sister works here so she is visiting.” Sure….
   I cried for hours thinking about how all the daydreams I had about being there to witness the birth of my first child and being there to be a father, to begin bonding, are not stripped from me.

[judee]

Hi FF,

Bizarre.. You atty is so familiar with/ and able to predict the cycle.
What would you see want/hope as the best scenario happening from here?

[ForeverDad]

A.The state she resides in now is where you will need legal help    should you need/choose to seek further…

The law for custody issues has a countrywide uniform requirement for 6 months residency in the new state before possible to file for custody and parenting issues.  How this would apply to pregnancies, I'm not a lawyer, though I suspect legally the legal requirements kick in only upon birth.

B. You are entitled to 50% custody but not really until after infancy and then be careful what you ask for in the parenting plan as it’s often difficult to change.

I've often advocated that from the very start, especially in court filings and appearances, that you don't hamstring yourself to limited or minimal parenting and custodial authority.  For example, "Your honor, I am convinced - and am seeking - substantial, even majority custody and parenting time for the interests of our child.  While the decision for how much involvement I am granted rests with the court, based on the history and current parental struggles, I am concerned that we may be back in court over the years to come to resolve continuing or new obstructions to my parenting to the detriment of our child."

If it come to this, make efforts to obtain the best (or least bad) outcome from the very first temporary order.  Why?  If you go soft - perhaps trying to appease and not inflame - and end up with a minimal temp order to start, you will have a hard time or more time getting it improved, thus put effort in to getting the best temp order from the start.

Anticipate objections and obstructions.  For example, perhaps mother may insist she can't part with the child because she is breastfeeding.  That does not block exchanges because mother can pump her milk, and pass it along at exchanges.

Last thought, do not share your legal strategies with the child's mother.  That would likely just enable her to invent counter strategies.