How do you keep on giving?

[Julsie]

How do you keep on giving to your adult son when you know they don't care about you and wouldn't notice if you were dead ?
At least that's how it feels.  My son is totally self-absorbed but unaware of it and causes endless pain and suffering but complains about not being given enough, hugged enough, understood enough etc and because he did something awful,  he's projected this onto me and decided we're estranged.  Any tips?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Julsie
I think the answer to your question is different for each person dealing with this situation. The self absorption is just staggering at times. For example I can't say 'I don't feel too well today' without an immediate and strong response such as 'Well how to you think I feel etc . . . '

We give so much to our bpd children - so much of everything including ourselves.

We are also drawn into the intense emotions of our bpd child: their sadness, anger, blaming etc is all so intense and directed at us. We can be trying to fix things for them, long after they have moved on from whatever the intense moment was about.

Looking at how I keep giving I think the two things that help me keep going are firstly I recognise how serious this illness is and I don't react in myself so much to the intense verbal abuse, blaming etc. I have stepped back from having to think about whatever dd says in these situations.

Secondly I try to compartmentalise life by agreeing -with myself - that I will do certain things for dd and the rest of my life is mine.

It is our emotional connection to our child that makes it all so difficult - and more so because BPD is intense emotions about everything. We are made to feel that it is our responsibility to 'fix it'.

But we have done/are doing all that we can and more. In my case I find doing lots still but not being caught in the emotional tangle feels so much better. BPD is a serious illness and the symptoms are truly terrible. But I can't resolve it, I have let go of feeling responsible, and I don't respond emotionally.

I still give lots, do lots - and I know there will be no gratitude because that is the nature of the illness. I think I still can give because it doesn't consume my life so much anymore.

It's a painful, painful journey with BPD . . . .

[Julsie]

Thank you
It's also coping with the manipulation as it feels pretty deliberate to me. Is it? Like, a few years ago, he had a mature carer and latched onto her as a mother figure. This was the most painful thing he could do. Did he do it because he knew it would hurt so much or because she agreed with everything he said and sided with him?Looking back now,I realise the treatment I've received from a lot of people is from what he's said behind my back
I try to remain neutral with my son so that I don't get sucked in but he is very intelligent. He will try to deliberately start an argument and if I don't rise to it, I don't care or I'm dispassionate.  Nothing I say or do is right.

[Sancho]

Hi Julsie
Yes the manipulation is very hard to take and I found myself watching for clues as to what was 'put on' and what was real. It was a nightmare.

The big thing for a bpd person is latching on to someone who will be totally theirs - and so they hope to avoid abandonment. I recall a couple of things my dd has said - one in response to my question 'Do you feel bad if you are not getting attention?' Her response: 'I feel like I want to die'.

Over the years I have held on to these bits and pieces as an insight into dd's mind.

I think a big part of the reason why those with BPD are often dismissed by medical and care professionals is because the manipulation is fairly clear and obvious - and not tolerated. But it is part of this insidious illness I am pretty sure - just another of the awful set of symptoms.

Have you come across 'Don't JADE' on this site? I think it's really helpful - it means don't Judge, answer, discuss or explain' and used when you are being ranted at or verbally abused (I might have some of the words not quite right!)

When I'm frustrated with obvious manipulation I think of 'Don't judge'. It is helpful to me because I am sure I cannot understand the workings of the BPD mind - so I just 'park' my thoughts somewhere on the basis that I can't know.

The complexity of the illness can draw you in when you love your child. I know it is hard but to move away from looking for a sign of respect or gratitude from a bpd child is very helpful.

The respect you deserve comes from knowing that you have spent yourself in the love and care of your son. I hope you are able to step back and appreciate yourself for who you are and all you have given.

And whenever you can, try to make sure you nurture yourself and the gift of your life.

[Sancho]

PS In relation to what you say:
Looking back now,I realise the treatment I've received from a lot of people is from what he's said behind my back
I try to remain neutral with my son so that I don't get sucked in but he is very intelligent. He will try to deliberately start an argument and if I don't rise to it, I don't care or I'm dispassionate.  Nothing I say or do is right.


What you say here is exactly my experience - and the experience of so many here. Being talked about to all and sundry - I get angry when I think about it so I don't think about it much. I try to hold my head high knowing the truth.

Also I can tell when dd walks out of her room if she is looking for something to have a go at me about. And you feel cornered - no matter what you do or say, you will be in the wrong.

These are such common experiences of the people who come here, they just must be part of the BPD set of symptoms and behaviours.

That was the big gift for me coming to this site. I realised what was happening for me was happening for so many others. It was how I started to understand BPD - it is all those things that people here talk about and that we all experience.

Once you get onto this idea, you can move towards boundaries ie (and this is another thing I learnt here) boundaries are what YOU need to protect and value yourself.

Glad you are here too!

[Julsie]

Thank you, Sancho.