I shouldn't have let my daughter move back in

[Rhonda Gaines]

  Hi everyone,
  I'm reading through posts as it's my first time here. I feel so grateful to hear stories that resonate with ours, although I'm sorry you've gone through the wringer as we have. I feel like I have been on an insane roller coaster for years. My daughter became abusive physically and verbally when she hit adolescence, she's now 27 and has recently moved back in after the dramatic end of a parasitic relationship. When she was living with her girlfriend, she projected her abuse onto her for four years. Now we are the targets again.
As always, I felt completely trapped into letting her stay, she
threatens suicide when she is overwhelmed. She is incapable of holding a job, housing, or relationships. She has held our family hostage the entire time she's been back, about 6 weeks. I don't feel safer here but I don't know what to do next.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello and welcome, Rhonda,
       The feeling of being hostages in ones own home is just intensely awful; I know. Have you been able to receive counselling support, for tools on coping with your current situation? Would plugging into your local NAMI chapter, for empathy and resources, be an option?

[Galadriel]

I know what feeling trapped in your own home feels like. My heart goes out to you. My story with the physical and verbal abuse is the same. I am now estranged from her, but I can see through social media that her inner struggle has not changed and I feel terrible for her, but I am safe with her not living with me. I'm sorry you are going through this. As much as I love her, I know I couldn't take having my daughter back if she is still the same or worse. I had to call the police to protect myself and that was heartbreaking. I didn't press charges, but of course she stopped talking to me, so I know there is always that fear of them with suicide threats or cutting off contact. I wish I had more to offer other than to say please be safe get support if possible.

[Trimom2219]

This is my first time on this site and it is sad but rewarding at the same time that I know I'm not the only one dealing with such struggles.  Most of what I've read so far has rang true for me and my family.  My family life has been such an emotional rollercoaster since my daughters early teenage years. The physical and verbal abuse towards me has been endless.
My daughter is now 24 and has a 2 year old.  She moved back in when she was pregnant after her and her BF had yet another terrible fight.  My fiance' and I have bent over backwards trying to give her the love and support both she and the baby needed.  The couple years have been going pretty good with only a couple outbursts but were always followed with an apology.  She was doing great working two jobs, making some of her bills and she was doing great as a mom (which I made sure to tell her how proud we were). I felt like the family was starting to be "normal" until back in January all hell broke loose and now we are back to square one.
She has moved out and will not allow us any interaction with the grandbaby.  There is more to all of this but I want to address your feeling of her being home again.
I've started with a therapist a few months back and I'm trying hard to keep my emotions in tack but it's very difficult.  I posted today for the first time and you can read if you want more information on my situation.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to think about me, my fiance' and my other children.  My house has been so less stressful since she is no longer there.  My life has been calmer since there is no daily/weekly/monthly interaction with her.  My phone has stopped ringing off the hook, the days of abusing me have gone.  What I'm troubled by is the guilt I feel because I truly do not miss her, only my granddaughter.  I've  put aside worrying about her.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point but I must keep strong.  She is an adult.  She needs to be responsible for herself.  She refuses to accept me as her mother and she refuses to go to counseling with me.  That is her decision.  I've told her until she goes to counceling with me, we can't have a relationship because I refuse to be put into that abusive behaviour again.  The texts I would receive are repulsive and disheartening that after everything I've done for her that she could treat me the way she does. I understand that it's the BPD but I've learned I have to set boundaries and keep myself healthy.   I have told her that I love her dearly, I'm proud of the accomplishments she has made and I truly hope that she will one day find peace.  Everything in her life is my fault and I'm tired of the blame.  She does nothing wrong and finds fault on everyone else.  Her older sister and younger brother have had enough as well.  My family is trying to stay in touch and offer her love and support in hopes that she will come around to accept the situation and we all can heal.  None of us want her to fall but if she does, I have to be strong that I did everything I could to help her and I need to be at peace with that. 
I encourage you to do the same.  Wish you best of luck and peace be with you!

[Sancho]

Welcome Rhona Gaines
I am glad you are here. Not that we have answers - or at least I don't think I have any - but here people know what you mean when you use words and phrases like 'being held hostage'.

That describes it so well!

I"ve had physical and verbal abuse - heaps of verbal and dd is 31. After a period of time when your home is peaceful etc - it comes as a shock when they move back in and it is right in your face again.

I'm in a bit of a hostage situation here myself at the moment and realistically there is not much I can do about it. DD is in that mood where any suggestion - any at all - will be met with negativity and 'I"ve got nothing'.

I am worried because I think she is physically unwell, but there again I don't know how to get her to a doctor that she will get on with etc. Cornered. That's the word I use a lot because that is how I feel my BPD dd gets me - cornered.

A while ago now however I did learn to use some strategies so that I was not held emotionally hostage to the rollercoaster ride. So I use the mantra of the 3 Cs, greystone rock (letting the emotional barrage go past me) and 'letting go' (Letting go means to fear less, and to love more)

It is early days yet for you and you must still be in shock. Not feeling safe is really awful.

Is there any way you can limit the distress to you and the others in the household? I'm thinking of routines that could help you feel safer, chatting to your local police just to let them know in case you needed to call them. Is it possible to get your dd to a doctor, or some form of medical/allied medical help?

Is there a possibility you could help her find other accommodation - move with a friend?

As I write these suggestions I know they are probably not likely. That's part of the 'hostage' scenario: BPD people don't want to co-operate in finding solutions, in my experience.

I am sorry I don't have answers. But I hope it helps in some way to know that, somewhere else in the world, there are other families dealing with the same awful situation as you are.

It is so painful, so hard . . . .