Terrified of losing my daughter

[Caljh97]

Hi everyone.
Daughter is 20, diagnosed with ASD and BPD.
I also have 2 other kids with ASD plus husband too.
She has used selfharm as a coping mechanism since she was small and is running out of her 9 lives. Of course she doesn't care as living is far too painful for her but I feel the inevitable will happen.
Her beautiful body is scarred from head to toe, arms barely recognisable , torso, legs, neck, face covered in scars. She has swallowed razor blades/batteries/glass/broken pencils etc. Had horrific 3rd degree burns and then most recently tried to gas herself and without realising, putting the whole street at risk of explosion.
She struggles with the typical BPD symptoms like emptiness/abandonment issues etc. My heart breaks for her despite me being her enemy number one and being the verbal punchbag. She knows how to hurt me and I take it, I always making excuses that she can't help it and the fear of losing her makes it so difficult to be the parent I've always wanted to be. I never know which it is that's causing the 'misunderstanding' or 'outburst' ASD or BPD.
She is now living alone with support from me but hates my involvement. I keep it to a minimum but she does need help as she is very easily overwhelmed by it all. She hates anyone in her space and has many phobias so her living alone has helped somewhat.
My extended family hates how I'm treated by her but they don't understand do they?
How do you put your foot down and accept any actions that follow and to not blame yourself? What makes it worse for me us that my husband makes absolutely no contribution to parenting and plays a child's role in the home, particularly now he has a physical illness. The buck always stops with me and the burden is wearing me down to the point that now I don't want to be here anymore.
Any advice would be greatly welcomed and I'm sure my story is a very familiar one!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Jean]

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I totally understand everything you are going through. Your daughter is young which makes your situation more difficult than mine.
My daughter is 48, married, and the mother of 2 school
aged. My daughter also lives 5 states away.    Nevertheless,
I grieve and pray everyday. My beautiful daughter now hates
me and refuses to communicate in any fashion.  My husband and I are taking a class with NAMI which helps
us to understand her illness, but it doesn’t change anything.
I am losing hope.
However, I do have 3 other adult children and 9 other grandchildren.  I try to put boundaries on my grief and not
let it destroy me.  I have much love in my life, I try to focus on that. I,too, am terrified of losing my daughter and there is nothing I can do but pray. My priest says “Give your daughter to God”

[Sancho]

Hi Caljh97
I have read your post a few times now - each time with great distress for both your daughter and yourself. What a journey you have been on - a journey of love, walking beside her in all her anguish and pain.

It is a lonely road, walking with a loved one with BPD, but you are carrying a huge load from other perspectives as well; the needs of the rest of the family and - and I think this can be so, so lonely - the lack of understanding of others.

I don't wonder at all that you are at the end of your tether. I do wonder how you have managed to carry this for so long.

There was just one little phrase of hope in your post ' her living alone has helped somewhat'. I know you are still be abused as you try to support her, but your love is carrying you.

I don't know what to say really, except that I hope you can find just a few moments here and there to feel your own breath, your own life and to know that you are a truly special person.

There is no way we can determine the lives of others, but whatever happens, I hope you are at peace that your daughter is loved unconditionally, and it is you who give her that gift each and every day.

Thank you for posting. You are inspiring to me and many others I am sure.

[Chantal1]

I know exatly how you feel. My daughter has BPD and I've been focusing on her for many years (she's now 25). I tried to do everything to help her but she still cut me out of her life a few months ago. She even unfriended me on Facebook. She clearly doesn't want to have anything to do with me and I don't know why. I hurts every day and I spend most of my nights awake, thinking of her. But I come here, read other parents and it makes me feel a little better. Just enough to try to concentrate on myself, meditation and doing things to change my mindset. That would be my advice to you. Reclaim your life. Right now it revolves around her. Let her know you're there, that you love her, but concentrate on yourself (without guilt). Beause no matter how much you want to help her, there is so much you can do. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, There are a few books that could help you but don't spend all you time reading about BPD. Do things that make you feel good and if you don't know or don't remember what you like, than it's a clear sign you need to give yourself more love, which I'm sending you right now.
P.S. Sorry if my english is not perfect, I'm french speaking.
,

[Caljh97]

Thankyou all for your replies, they really have made a difference x