Adult Daughter

[ladybird123]

My adult daughter is showing signs of BPD.  I could write a book about her behaviour and how she treats people but basically she has to have her own way over every single thing.  She kicks off if people will not fall in with her unreasonable demands and plans. She absolutely hates me with a passion. She told her youngest sibling she will be glad when I am dead and I am not worth loving and he would do well to remember I only pretend to care about him. She tells terrible lies. She upset one of her siblings so much yesterday he blocked her.  He says he cannot cope with her nastiness and manipulation anymore.

I have not seen her since my mums funeral 6 years ago. She blanked me at it. In that time she got married and divorced and moved house several times. I think there is a child in the frame that is now in care.  Noone is allowed to tell me. Everyone is scared of her outbursts. I have no idea where she lives now but she makes trouble for the whole family all the time. Two of her sisters don't speak to me anymore due to her lies. Yesterday she sent several voice messages to her sibling which he listened to on speaker. I heard a lot of it. The level of abuse and hatred towards me ( who she has no dealings with in over 8 years, apart from seeing briefly at the funeral) was off the scale chilling. She sounds so cold and unfeeling. Telling her sibling he's forgotten I am only supposed to be used, not to be loved. Other horrible stuff.  Too much to write here.I am truly worried about her.  She seems to have no grasp of reality at all. She rants about things that never happened and has perfected a very posh accent she never used to have.  She accuses me of doing things to her I never did. She is convinced I killed her pet many years ago.  I never.  It's unthinkable to me to be cruel to any animal.  My eldest daughter thinks she is pyschotic.  She avoids any interactions with her.  Her latest stunt is to tell one of her siblings, who has brain damage that he doesn't really.  That his issues are all my fault cos I never "taught him things."  This is so untrue I cannot even begin with it. He has done so well coping with his problems and overcoming so much but she uses every angle to have a dig at me. I don't know what to do or if I can really do anything in reality.  She's so hurtful and nasty and not one single family member has a clue why.

She seemed a happy child but, as the youngest daughter a bit spoilt at times.  She was skilled at getting her own way and manipulating situations to her advantage, often at other family members expense.  She was and still is, by all accounts, extremely lazy.  Her room was always a total tip and her favourite phrase was I cba. She told a lot of lies.  She started to get more extreme in her  fantasies and lack of grip on reality when she was around 16.  At 17 she moved in with a boyfriend but they both came home a year later and she then stayed until she was 19  and left again over a disagreement over locking a pet in her room.  I've not seen her since, part from the funeral. I've second guessed myself for years.  Did I causes this?  Could I have been better?  Did I miss something that should have been done to help her?  I don't know.  I've cried buckets over her but she is getting worse.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Ladybird123
Everything you describe is BPD. It is a complex and pervasive illness that affects everyone involved; the BPD person and all family and friends.

As you read through some of the posts here you will recognise many of the things you have experienced for so long such as:

The focus of anger/hate is usually the person who who has been a main supporter; they become the focus of blame for 'not making it all better'.

Spreading awful lies and seeming to be in a fantasy world - rewriting history or interpreting even the most benign words or deeds as being hateful and directed at them. The way I cope with this is by (a) reminding myself that so many people on BPD family have the same things happening and said about them and (b) that the term 'borderline' is a reference to the fact that people with BPD can slip into unreality or psychosis very easily.

I think there is a connection between the issue of the cat being locked in the room and the rumour dd is spreading about you killing a pet. In her mind that incident has morphed into something quite different, something you did to her etc etc. 

I can't believe some of the things that my dd says to me even - they are so far from the reality it is staggering. Yet to her it IS reality and no amount of trying to present the facts makes any difference.

It is important I think not to get caught up in 'should I have . . . ' etc. You didn't cause this, you can't cure it, you can't control it'.

Perhaps read up on the material on this site and the posts here to reinforce what I am sure is the case that everything that has been happening is pretty symptomatic of BPD.

It seems as though your family are divided by dd's lies etc. Do all siblings interact with each other (ie is it just you that some have cut off)? I am wondering if you could involve the siblings you connect to in learning about BPD? I think the more in the family that understand this is a serious illness the greater the possibility that (a) those caught up in dd's lies will see another aspect to this and (b) the better chance that those who do connect with her would be able to recognise when/if a crisis occurs.

I 'greystone rock' when I am being abused or if I hear all that is being said about me. I am not going to defend myself etc - it only makes things worse as it continues. So I let it all go past me.

From what you say, the symptoms may be worsening and it is a good thing in some way that there are some family members who are in contact and can support if needed.

There is nothing 'reasonable' about BPD. My BPD sister raves about me to her children - but they know me and I relate to them in spite of it all.

I hope you come here often - as I do. It is a place where I feel I am not alone dealing with this truly dreadful illness and where I can learn from others' experience.

[ladybird123]

Thank you for your reply.  That is really helpful.  The siblings are also at war. Two have nothing to do with her at all. One puts up with her as little as possible and she is also estranged from her dad. ( who is like her tbh). The two siblings that live with me have zero contact with her physically  but one is in a family group chat where drama seems to erupt on a regular basis. The other blocked her. Her latest stunt was stealing a pedigree cat and having it neutered. Everyone told her in the group chat it was not a stray but in her world it was.  The owners are very angry as it was being bred. The pet that died was a guinea pig, he was very old but she is convinced I poisoned him.  She used to lock her cat in her room cos she thought I'd poison it.  It hated being locked in and that is why we argued and she moved out. The cat is still alive and kicking. She's done all sorts.  She threw away all my exam certificates in a bid to stop me going to college and took my cat to the vets to have it pts. I managed to get him back before it happened but it was a close call.   She threw her new laptop off her bunk bed cos she wanted a different one.  It smashed to pieces on the wood floor. She was 16 then and that was when I started to wonder if her behaviour was not normal teenage stuff. I do love her. Despite everything.

I think your idea to try and get the sibings who do speak to her to read up on BPD is a good one.  My eldest two already know something is drastically wrong. One sibling tried to get a job in a place she had worked and when they found out they are related they said not a chance.  The manager said she was a nightmare and would be worried her sister would be the same. Sad cos she's completely the opposite.

With regard to me.  I don't defend, explain or justify. Pre her leaving home I used to sit in the garden at 1 am in the dark crying my eyes out over her hurtful behaviour and words but I've learned now. I keep a boundary and that is it.  eg if she says I want you to leave your home so I can come round and see my siblings ( meaning go though your cupboards, steal things I think I won't notice have gone and then write rude, untrue things about my home on facebook later) I says no.  She  kicks off but tough. She can meet her siblings elsewhere.  They are all old enough to go out alone.  Am glad I didn't make her like this. That was my main worry.

I think the siblings are  totally confused by her. They don't understand why she lies constantly and she is so convinced that what she says is true.  They are sick of her drama. Her  gaslighting them and trying to divide and conquer. I'll read around the site and see what others do to cope..