Nobody gets my position

[A Peahen]

It's 3.39am. I am exhausted.I want to shelter my youngest child by keeping my eldest out of her life. But I love my udpd and now she has a two year old. I cannot abandon them. I feel heartbroken for all three. I haven't told my youngest that the 2 year old is coming to live with us again. She resents him, he doesn't deserve that but she associates him with her sister who has caused so much disruption in our lives. He probably has adhd. He's not talking yet,constantly dribbling and hyperactive. But he's sweet. So now my youngest will feel like I've let her down again...I keep saying it's the last time and going back on that. I feel like a bad mum. I will have to tell her he is coming and she will cry. Meanwhile my bpd daughter struggles so much. I read that studies show that a large percentage of cases are in people who've had bad childhoods...I don't think she had. Her father had dpd. I finished with him during the pregnancy when  he started showing his colours. I couldn't understand what was going on with her for many years. Thought it was very bad case of teenage hormones!doh! But she is aware of herself and how she needs to keep away from alcohol and most drugs.I wonder if our relationship has helped her keep her less wayward and also if people with supportive families are unrepresented in bpd stats as they are less likely to engage in all the worse stuff eg self harming criminality etc . These are the extreme cases who have had no care in their lives. My mother told me to 'get rid of her' and could only see the badness. But I see her pain and now the meltdowns and slandering and occasionally violence kinda go over my head. Its a survival technique I guess. I enter 'zone out' state...its helped...the ranting and repetition doesn't go on for so long. God, its amazing how one person can totally dominate a family. Molly has been taking valium and has had a crisis. I knew the calm wouldn't last.She left her partner as he was 'useless'...the guy was working flat out and putting cash into her account.  His father had paid for counselling for them both and was paying for my grandson to go to nursery. She stayed one month in their new house, then left him. She is staying at a friend's and with renting getting more difficult hasn't been able to find a home. So that's how I've ended up taking her son again. Poor thing. I will have to give up work again...impacting my youngest. God, its just an ongoing nightmare. I'm mostly on my own with it. We've lived in three European countries...bits and pieces of therapy-meds. No definite diagnosis. My friends really don't get it either. I used to chat to them about our turmoil but have stopped...what's the point? I don't want reassuring or sympathy.ive gone past that. And other people are now more well off than me. I feel embarrassed sometimes and more and more, I keep away from them. Not much in common anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi A Peahen
My 'anxiety hour' is usually around 4am - that's when I seem to wake when I am overloaded with things, things that are so complex with no solutions in sight. At that hour of the morning they go round and round. . .

So I am exhausted today and totally understand the complexity of your life. I am so glad you can 'zone out' and I am sorry you will have to give up work. Sometimes keeping going with work, or some form of routine in our own lives can actually help us keep going, because we are able to put aside the chaos and pain of our lives for the time when we need to focus on our work.

I mainly wanted to say that I have had the same experience with friends and others. Even some professionals honestly have no idea what this is like. I used to try to explain but found I ended up more frustrated and feeling alone when I tried to do so. Often it was the response that your mum has given.

But coming here makes such a difference. Your post has helped me by validating my experience - and so here is where I come when things are tough, or just when I want to reconnect to others who share the reality of my life with a bpd adult child.

I hope you have the same experience coming here and I hope you post again!