Out of hope

[Dispare]

 
At my low point. PwBPD (undiagnosed of course) has had a history of raging at things that I do around the house that are imperfect or not up to her standard of doing things at the specific time she expected, etc. Always getting blamed for things that are not my fault because they didn’t work out the way she expected. Things like that. Been tolerating for 9 years.
When she rages she throws away everything that I ever bought her, then when that runs dry she throws away things she bought herself. Then later regrets it when in the “woe is me” phase. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Acceptance of  my older teen son from previous marriage has been increasingly negative the past few years. It used to be she would get anxious right before his scheduled weekends with me. Then during 2020-21 it was her fear of him (unvaxed) bringing Covid and infecting our toddler that fueled her position to keep him away until summer months when risk was lower.

Then almost a year ago when our toddler was soon going to finally able to get vaxed, child services shows up and accuses us (mainly her) of a combination of frivolous and serious outlandish accusations in order to make it seem that there was concern for our toddler’s well being. She almost immediately blamed my son and his mother and refused to allow him not our home or see his sister even though the case was unfounded. She believes he is the source of the information and feels betrayed and doesn’t want to risk another opportunity to have another bogus claim filed against us. My son and his mom have adamantly denied involvement, though my ex is the type that would.
Now my pwBPD wants me to turn his bedroom into a home office for her. I can’t help but wonder if it was actually her that filed the false report to make it seem like it was my son as the source to fulfill a motive of alienating me from him. She has been very good to him when he was younger but has always seemed to be jealous as he is a living reminder of my prior marriage. I can’t go on without my son here but if I divorce she will take our toddler and move 2200 miles away.

[ForeverDad]

... but if I divorce she will take our toddler and move 2200 miles away.

Is this what your lawyer told you?  Or is this what your spouse threatens?

Many divorces have residence restrictions, that the children can't be moved too far away from the current residences, or too far away from the other parent.  Whether she can avoid such restrictions, we can't promise but it is one of many strategies to discuss with your attorney.  Speaking of attorneys, many lawyers aren't sufficiently experienced and proactive to tackle a high conflict case.  Can yours do more than file forms and metaphorically hold your hands?

Of great help so you can avoid common mistakes and pitfalls is an excellent handbook written by William Eddy...
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[Dispare]

I don’t have a lawyer yet. Still married living together. This is what she said and that doctors would support a relocation to warmer climate due to health problems. And having been through one custody battle already I know courts almost always side with mom.
So for years I’ve been trying to stay together to avoid another gut wrenching experience worse than the first.
I feel I need to find a couples therapist who can experience her BPD so that it can be illustrated in court. Originally I was hoping for it to be recognized by a therapist so she could get individual therapy and improve but that scenario doesn’t seem possible now in her most recent Mr Hyde phase of the past few days.
Advice? I’m aware of the splitting book, thanks.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  I second the recommendation on the Splitting book.  A great resource identifying things you may face if forced to separate. 

The courts have changed a lot recent years and fathers are getting more and more rights.  At least in the US and especially where I live.  The courts assume a 50/50 and a parent has to work very hard to justify anything less.  In our situation, the court also mandated the children stay in the county and we have to petition the court if we want to move.  That worked out well in our situation when my fiance's ex lost his job and moved out of state.  We now have the children for the school year after a rather small legal fight.  Her ex wanted to take the son to live with him in FL while leaving the daughter to live with us.  He has a good lawyer who told him that was a non-starter in this county. 

What we've found so far in our legal challenges is the quality of your lawyer makes all the difference in the world.  Finding that good lawyer can be a difficult.  We found that out the hard way.  However, now that we have a good lawyer who understands the challenges of dealing with a BPD ex, it's been a lot easier.  Expensive, but worth every penny so far.  Good luck. CoMo

[SaltyDawg]

If child services are involved, it is serious!  Time to get a lawyer, and a 'high conflict one' if you can afford it.  I almost, got to that point, but not quite.

At a very minimum, start recording these things, and documenting everything you possibly can.  Cell phones are a wonderful tool do to his, just make sure you have enough storage space, or have a way of transferring the video off your phone on a daily basis.  I have previously provided some detailed tips in my previous posts, dig down on my post history to start documenting their behavior.  Let me know if you need any tips.

[Turkish]

The CPS thing sounds weird. Who would have reported? A doctor?

Boilerplate custody stipulations do tend to be joint these days. We filed in 2014 when D was 1 and S had just turned 4. Need the other parent's permission to travel out of state and neither of us can move out of the county unless mutually agreed.

[SinisterComplex]

Document, Document, Document, Document, Did I say Document? Yes...when you think you have documented enough...no you haven't. Keep doing it. This is where you truly have to earn your PhD in CYA ;-)

I also second the recording or using your cell phone, etc. The point is to protect yourself and have something to back yourself up with. I helped a friend with something similar...he had to fire 1 lawyer and get a new one and that made a major difference. As fate would have it...my buddy would go back to his lawyer about our conversations and then he would tell me what she thought and for the most part his lawyer and I were on the same page in helping my friend. My friend essentially got what he wanted or well the best he could hope for which was 50/50 custody and she got stuck with her crap debt she rang up, etc. I don't want to dominate your platform here speaking about my friend's situation so I will leave it at that.

The point is though...practice being firm and indifferent and stick to it...it is truly the only way to keep your sanity while moving forward regardless of how you proceed.

Keep your head up, keep venting and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

I agree, if CPS or other legal entities are getting involved, this is extremely serious and nothing to put off hoping things will get better.

Seeking a lawyer is also a very confidential matter, especially now.  You don't inform or ask your spouse for permission or approval to do so.  Any legal matters or strategies you share with her could be used to sabotage you and your parenting.  Consult with a few lawyers, determine which strategies are offered.  Since you already know there will be some level of conflict, one valid question is which lawyer the one you're consulting would choose to handle if he/she were facing his/her own high conflict divorce.

I cannot stress enough, get consultations privately and confidentially.  Sadly, "sharing time" is long past.

Are you in the USA?  If she decides to up and move before this is before a family court, then you have no more than 6 months - and possibly less - before she can succeed in establishing "residency" far far away.  Repeat, if she moves away or "visits" family/friends for an extended time, you are at risk of her getting some other court in that area to control the case.