Parental Coordinator & Alienator

[BigOof]

Any recommendations on conditions to put in the Marriage Settlement Agreement with an alienator on the other side?

We're asking for a parental coordinator. What powers should the parental coordinator have to combat alienation?

[kells76]

Having conditions around who chooses the PC seems important.

For example, one party comes up with a list of 3 PC's to choose from, and the other party selects from the list.

Otherwise, if you get stuck with a bad PC, it almost doesn't matter what powers he/she would have. (I mean, it does, but differently)

[scraps66]

Part of the "powers" would need to be an acknowledgement that alienation is actually happening.  Then, there needs to be the skill, experience and knowledge of the coordinator to handle these issues. 

If the playing field isn't level the effectiveness of the PC may turn out to be nill.  By level playing field I mean treating both parties differently if warranted.  Meaning, the PC can't treat both parties as psychologically stable mature adults if that is not the case. There needs to be an accounting for the "elephant in the room" to have any positive effect on the situation. 

I say this from my own experience of dealing with an exwuNPDBPD and the resulting issues with a S18 and now S15.  Shared parenting, trying to address issues with children when involving an undiagnosed ex who tries to control the narrative all the time is challenging.  Not being able to control the narrative drives her crazy and causes her to use destructive methods of sabotage.  That which can't be controlled is destroyed - despite the benefit to the children.

One thing that should never happen - the two of you should never be in the same room with the PC.  No Teams meetings together, no face-to-face meetings - never. 

 

[BigOof]

scraps66, you mentioned:

One thing that should never happen - the two of you should never be in the same room with the PC.  No Teams meetings together, no face-to-face meetings - never.

Why do you say this? Could you please expand a little?

Thanks,

BigOof

[ForeverDad]

I have an idea what scraps66 will say, do what you can to (1) avoid a Blamefest and (2) have uninterrupted time to tell your side of the story as reasonably as you can.  Remember, the goal is to find overall solutions, not blame.  You need to be the one presenting solutions and seeking help to parent.  Facts and documentation over emotional allegations.

[scraps66]

(3) Eliminate the opportunity for your ex to monitor and record what you say.  I have in many, many cases examples of my ex hearing something that I say, even if it is something beneficial to either child, and then roadblocking or sabotaging "that" thing I said from happening.  It's about taking away any satisfaction that you might reap from your own suggestion and nothing about doing what is right for the child.  (4) It follows that the things that you say, if heard, can be fed back to the children or can be used with the children to be the "opposite" of what you said should happen or allowing the children to do things that you may not allow them to do.

I am right now dealing with ex trying to sabotage therapy for our S15 being used to address a significant vaping/smoking habit.  One, she doesn't like this because I suggested the therapy, and two, it has come out that S15 has expressed significant issues coming up when with mother.  So mother needs to protect herself from being "discovered".

I believe this board has parent coordinators up there with the same success rate as coparent counseling - not too very good.  Just being honest.   

[BigOof]

scraps66, a lot of what you point out is happening already. It is like you've met my ex.

Thanks for the guidance.

[scraps66]

scraps66, a lot of what you point out is happening already. It is like you've met my ex.

Thanks for the guidance.

We all kinda have the same membership.