My son is almost 20

[RossTheBoss?]

Raging and destructive and then he’s isolated and overall bringing family down. He has not been diagnosed with BPD which is upsetting to me that therapists suspect this is it but not able to diagnose him until age 26. This is not helping since my son thinks he’s okay. He has taken himself off of all medications and now self medicating with marijuana. To be honest, the medications and there have been many nor the marijuana helps. Therapies like years of CBT, a year in Utah at a Residential Treatment Center nor a year at a Therapeutic Boarding School has helped him. I blame a lot of that on not diagnosing him so he thinks he’s alright and all of us are the unstable ones. It’s infuriating to get him so much help and nobody has come through to at least diagnose him. He made it 6 weeks in a very good university and got kicked out and charges pressed on him for punching his roommate. Now he’s home and basically domestic bullying is all along with physical rages. I don’t want him arrested. I just want him helped. Now what?  Kick him out. Force him to go to Intesive Outpatient facility when he still thinks he doesn’t have BPD?  I’m don’t know what to do. The advice of stay safe and have an exit plan doesn’t work when you have a raging delusional 6’5” son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi RossTheBoss?, glad you reached out for support. Holidays are challenging at best when there's a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives.

It sounds like your son is living at home -- correct? Anyone else living there besides you and him (spouse, siblings, etc)?

It's normal around here to realize that it isn't safe for you, or him, for him to live at home when his rages are uncontrolled.

Do you have any kind of legal decision-making for him, still, even though he's almost 20? Or, does he perceive/believe that you can "tell him what to do"? I ask because I remember being 19 and my parents sending me to an IOP (for an eating disorder). Even though I guess, looking back, I could've said "I'm over 18 so you can't make me", I never really thought it through and just assumed I had to go. If he is in that headspace, I wonder if you can leverage that.

If not -- if he's in a place of "I'm an adult and you can't make me", and he's a big/tall person and not controlling his outbursts, then it would make sense to explore some "natural outcomes" of his desire to do what he wants and not to listen to you or do what you say. Such as, he doesn't get to live at home if he doesn't follow directions, and, you respect his statement that he is an adult, so yes, he can do what he wants when he doesn't live in your home.

The question, like you said, is how to do it safely. It sounds like "well just take off for a few hours and come home later, lather rinse repeat" is not working for anyone. So he needs somewhere else to live, and the transition needs to happen safely for you.

I am guessing, if he resisted going to the IOP, that it would be hard for you to kick him out if it seemed like he had no place to go?

What would it be like if you listed out a few possibilities (halfway house, group living, cousin that he gets along with, friend he gets along with, back to residential treatment, craigslist co-op, trailer/RV), got contact info for each of them, let your S20 know you'd cover first/last/deposit only, gave him the list, and said "I don't want to pick for you, so you pick what works for you; the deadline to move out is Day/Date and I'm confident that you will be able to find somewhere to live between now and then"? Though in words that sound more like you.

And if he chooses "none of the above" and lives in a car or couchsurfs... you would know you did above and beyond.

IDK... just brainstorming ways to move forward. It sounds clear that living apart is best for the two of you, it's just the question of how to make it happen.

And re: getting arrested... it's a hassle, but lots of people get arrested and have that on their records and work with it and move on with life (*raising my hand*). Maybe that would be a wake-up call for him -- it's hard to know where a person's rock-bottom is.

These are difficult questions and circumstances. Let us know how you guys have been doing, especially with the holidays. Keep us posted;

kells76