My dd (25) is living functionally with BPD. When she was a teen it was a 24/7 battle for life but with therapy and medication, things are mostly stable. However, I think I have PTSD from those years. I still never feel safe and I panic when I get a texts or calls. Still have nightmares of threatening behaviors.
Will I ever feel better? Will there be a day when I trust her again? How do I reconcile this growing and healing person with the violent and abusive person who threatened to kill (by suicide) my beautiful daughter every day for many years?
Welcome to BDP family. I feel your pain.
More than likely you have C-PTSD [complex PTSD]. If you aren't already, you should seek out a qualified licensed therapist or psychiatrist [who can prescribe medications to lessen the symptoms] who can assist you in your personal journey. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your daughter. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask in a distressed aircraft before you put the one on your child.
Will you feel better? Probably, yes, but you will have good days, and not-so-good days; hence the reason I am suggesting therapy for yourself. This is part of self-care, and you need to do this first.
Will you trust her again? That depends on what she is willing to do for herself. I am assuming that she is diagnosed and has been exposed to DBT therapy. Has she been able to control her symptoms to the point where she does not meet the criteria to be labelled as a borderline? If yes, in order for her to become trustworthy again [a very slow process] she must be #1 be self-aware AND #2 Is
continually applying to the tools that therapy has provided for her. You cannot do this for her, you can only work on how you deal with this.
