Sad and confused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. I have been in a 4 1/2 year relationship, almost 3 years engaged, and I believe my fiancé has BPD. He displays most of the signs, the most troubling one is when he gets upset with me for what seems like something insignificant. The more I try to explain or tell him he's misunderstanding, the angrier he gets, sometimes calling me names or saying hurtful things. But the majority of the time he can be the most loving, supportive and amazing man I have ever known and I love him dearly and thought we were meant to be together, my forever. It feels like we are each other's soul mates and have been through so much together. I realize now that I have not been honest with myself about the warning signs and keep hoping that I can fix everything. I am torn on trying to convince him to get help so we can try to work it out or ending our relationship. He knows that he has issues from trauma from his childhood but has not labeled it as BPD. Everything I read, and my counselor, says it won't go well if I tell him that's what I suspect he has. I know his actions torment him and I have tried to convince him over and over that I would never leave him. Every time he acts out at me like that, he later regrets it and beats himself up about it, is embarrassed and ashamed, sometimes causing him not to contact me for days. I don't know what to do? Any insight or advice from someone who has or is going through something similar would be appreciated.

[Schatzi123]

Hello. I have been in a 4 1/2 year relationship, almost 3 years engaged, and I believe my fiancé has BPD. He displays most of the signs, the most troubling one is when he gets upset with me for what seems like something insignificant. The more I try to explain or tell him he's misunderstanding, the angrier he gets, sometimes calling me names or saying hurtful things. But the majority of the time he can be the most loving, supportive and amazing man I have ever known and I love him dearly and thought we were meant to be together, my forever. It feels like we are each other's soul mates and have been through so much together. I realize now that I have not been honest with myself about the warning signs and keep hoping that I can fix everything. I am torn on trying to convince him to get help so we can try to work it out or ending our relationship. He knows that he has issues from trauma from his childhood but has not labeled it as BPD. Everything I read, and my counselor, says it won't go well if I tell him that's what I suspect he has. I know his actions torment him and I have tried to convince him over and over that I would never leave him. Every time he acts out at me like that, he later regrets it and beats himself up about it, is embarrassed and ashamed, sometimes causing him not to contact me for days. I don't know what to do? Any insight or advice from someone who has or is going through something similar would be appreciated.

[SaltyDawg]

Hello, welcome to the BPD family.

It is not good to make a diagnosis; however, if you want additional clarity, I highly recommend getting / borrowing the book:

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger [3rd edition]

It has an excellent assessment tool in section 1 if you really need to be concerned if he has BPD or it could be cPTSD or some other mental health issue.  Each mental health issue has its own set of problems, and can vary in severity and vary in intensity from a high functioning individual to a debilitating condition.

If he is 'self aware' as you indicated; you can gently encourage him to get assessed by a psychiatrist, that way whatever he has, can be identified, and addressed - most [not all] who are self-aware their conditions can be effectively managed if they are willing to do the work to address their issues.

Perhaps a good time to do this is when he is beating himself up after an episode and he is apologizing to you.  Be sure to phrase it using "I" pronouns, and do not use the words 'you', 'we', 'but', 'because' or anything that can remotely be construed as accusatory.

Do not share any diagnosis as will likely not be received well, leave that to the professionals.

If you give more specific questions with more details, many of 'us' here can offer you up advise from the school of hard knocks, as we have been there, and done that.

You are not alone here, you can vent, you can ask for advise, we 'get it'. 

Good luck, take care.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I'm not going to tell you what to do, or even if he has BPD, but the thing is, people with BPD make you feel like they're your soul mate because they mirror you, and pander to you, to win you over, it's a lie. They want love for themselves and will do anything to get it, but have very little real love to give.

If people don't honestly address their issues and repeat abusive behavior, it's not going to get better. I'm not saying people can't have flaws and weaknesses, and issues, and be an asshole sometimes because of them, but if there doesn't seem to be any genuine reflection, work and progress, or a willingness to compromise, then I think, things won't get better.

Also, if he has severe abandonment anxiety, like where he is interrogating you about it all the time and stuff, that sounds likely to be BPD, so does the whole soul mate thing. Mirroring, severe abandonment anxiety and erratic black/white behavior, are the key features of BPD, there are more, but those are really high up on the list.

Also, it's not possible to heal them through love and understanding, they have to do hard inner work, healing from tons of trauma and be honest with themselves, this is an extremely rare situation, because most people with BPD can't face who they are or what they do.

Sorry you're going through this, it's very hurtful and confusing. BPD seems especially harmful, because they really get deep into your inner child, then abuse you. It's an emotional rollercoaster.

[ForeverDad]

What the others have said is more or less correct, a diagnostic label can be both helpful (for you) and unhelpful (possibly triggering for your BF).  Please, do try counseling with an experienced professional who can address your concerns.  They are real and valid concerns.

One common advice is to skip hoping for diagnosis and deal with with what you see and experience.  Is it BPD (or some other acting out PD)?  Well, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, does it matter which breed of duck it is... it's a duck.

For those of us who got married and had children, we had to go to family court to end the relationship and set boundaries for parenting.  It was a long horrendous experience.  And the professionals?  In my case and for many here, they studiously avoided naming a diagnosis.  They issue orders (basic boundaries) and hope you don't have to come back.  What they did do was review the documented incidents.

You've listed your facts.  Your decision should be logical.  Often quoted here is that the past is a predictor of the future.  Whatever your head tells you are the facts, listen, don't worry overmuch about your heart, it will catch up later.

Think very seriously whether you ought to proceed with the relationship, either marriage or having children together.  Getting married (making a commitment) or having children (making everything more complicated with custody and parenting issues) is a real risk of getting more enmeshed in dysfunction and harder to exit.

Lastly, your approach (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain * ) makes sense - to reasonably normal people.  Sadly, a person with BPD or other acting out PD, resists and even sabotages such an approach.  We know, that's counter-intuitive, but that's the way it is.  If you have to continue with him, BIFF usually works better - Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

* Tools & Skills workshop board:
   1.16 | Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)
   1.17 | Communicate - D.E.A.R.M.A.N. Technique
   2.02 | Don't "JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)
   2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications