Introducing myself

[Ceterum-Censeo]

 

I’d like to introduce myself here. I think that I’ll need to use this resource a lot.

I’m Dad of a daughter (14) that exhibits a lot of BPD traits, but where I am (Central Europe) teenagers aren’t officially diagnosed with any personal disorders under the age of 16.

During the second long (around here; no school) Covid lockdown, she started to self-harm by scratching, which has subsided after some time. She was unwilling to seek psychological help, and unless there is immediate danger of severe harm, she can’t be made to visit therapy.

During the last autumn she started to self-harm again, this time visible in the face. At the same time she started to have panic attacks during school. She had them 1–2 times per week, until she was finally persuaded (by a fine school councilor) to seek help.

Finding her an available and good therapist was not cheap, but we’ve managed to find one.
He worked with her through the panic attacks, which are now very infrequent and mild, and the self-harm has moved to less visible places (this really helped her with her social interactions with adults).

She is very picky about her therapist, and they have a good relationship, so for the time being, we’ll stay with him even though it’s not DBT (he uses a psychodynamic approach, which does have some (but less) data about being helpful with borderline).

While she is now doing better at school, living with her is a real challenge. This is the behaviours we’re seeing almost daily, and which I consider to be strong indicators of borderline traits (please correct me, if I’m wrong).

- inability to discern or express her emotions (it’s “fine” or “tired”)
- any kind of statement that can be seen as criticism will be seen as criticism
- frequent (and quickly following, but bad) lying: this new, deep-red wound “has been here for ages”
- reward / punishment of behaviour that will be a hindrance in her life (like lying) is impossible
- there can only be one good parent: the other one is pure evil. when she switches parents, she’ll try to conspire against the other one
- very concerned about “ghosting” on social media, which can put her into a spiral. This has lead her to end (fine) friendships before the friend can end it with them
- recurring feelings and blaming that we favouring her sister (sadly, the opposite is true: we’ve been centered around my BPD daughter for years, because she is so difficult / demanding)

Anyway, lots of words to say hi: So, hi
Please ask for clarification if I didn’t make sense.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JoeBPD81]

Hi,

Welcome to the family. I saw you had no answer yet, and came to say hi back. Wait for the wonderful people here, to give you some pointers. There's a lot to learn in this place. My advice is that you take what you can learn, at your pace. I, for instance, burned myself quickly trying to read every book, and watch every video...

It might be a good thing that a diagnosis so meaningful can't come at such a young age. Teenagers could take it as a label that dooms them for the rest of their lives, and a reason to stop fighting.

She shows some concerning signals for sure. And I'm sure it takes a huge toll on your family.

How old are your other kids? Any red flags with them? How early did this daughter started showing this behavior? Only after Covid?

I see as a generational thing some of the things you say. Open competition for affection (you love my sister more). No tolerance of criticism (even perceived criticism). No patience with friends... I see it in my kids, but also in most of the other kids their age. Low energy and motivation is also a teen thing.

So it's hard to pinpoint what's did to a disorder, and what's a phase, what will be better just adding some maturity, you know.

Learning to validate, to listen and communicate better, will help you regardless of the diagnosis. So that's a win win. But I also think you shouldn't lose hope in that she can be much better when she gets through this difficult age. That's a humble opinion from another frustrated dad.

I wish you the best.

[Ceterum-Censeo]

Thanks for your response.

Her sister is twelve. No red flags with her.

Her psychiatrist (& therapist, he is a MD in psychiatric medicine) echoed much of the same extent as you did: He said that he can’t give her an diagnosis before 16, and even then he’d be hesitant because it’s a life-long label of a disorder that is very stigmatized.

In retrospect, my daughter showed some symptoms before Covid: Mostly how she constantly felt treated unfairly by her friends, unless her current best friend, which she then tried to separate from the rest of the friend group.

You are correct that there are some generational aspects to her behavior, but other ones more obvious: Rapidly changing moods, rewriting of the past when she felt hurt by someone.

One example is that she’s been avoiding her riding instructor for weeks because he reacted badly to her facial wounds (as most adults do…), and in that time he always was a strange guy. Until she went back one day and had a good interaction with him, then he was the best (again).

It’s very true to discern personality, puberty and pathology. Her psychiatrist has given us the tip presume that she has BDP, but at the same time look her into the face (meaning don’t strop treating her like a person).

Thanks for your tips.

[guiltymom]

My son (age 25) started at a very young age (maybe 5 or 6?) to strongly favor one parent over the other. For years my husband and I just found this kind of amusing—we didn't suspect he had BPD until he was a senior in high school. There are actually several things that now, with the benefit of hindsight, we realize were indicators of BPD going back many years. He's doing better now, and one reason I know this is that he is currently communicating nicely with both my husband and me—no bad parent/good parent! He refuses to get therapy, though. It's wonderful that your daughter is willing to see a therapist. Welcome to our group—it's really comforting to know that other people understand what you're going through.

[Lifelonglearner]

My 18-year old daughter displays all the behaviors you listed about your daughter. I’m glad she’s in therapy and hope it helps her. I’m glad this forum exists so we don’t have to feel so alone.