BPD Daughter

[SerenityTx]

 Is this site still active? I have an adult daughter with undiagnosed BPD. Years of the back-and-forth abusive behaviors and narcissistic personal life that she obviously milks as a victim to the world out there. I am reading from others and nodding my head, suddenly grateful that I am not the only mother who feels the way I do. My daughter was not abused, she actually had a lovely life but when she became a teenager she suddenly decided the victim role suited her fine and I became the object of her unwarranted bursts of "crazy" and then she turns around and I am the best mother in the world that she cannot live without, next day she does not even know my name.  Rollercoaster life. Two failed marriages mostly due to her behavior (she denies it as her responsibility) and countless failed relationships, mostly with men she can manipulate but end up fighting back. Children range in ages and some of them already mirror the same behaviors. No drugs, no alcohol just plain Narcissistic BPD. Tired so tired of this. I have another child who she refuses to have a relationship with because she resents him for whatever she decided long time ago he deserves not to have anything to do with him but pretend to the world she does. --- I am hoping there are others out there that will be willing to share some of the things that have brought some Serenity into the situation. It is sad that all of the BPD resources never point at our daughters being the perpetrators. I hope we all find here a place to find hope. Blessings to all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to the BPD Family.

Is this site still active?
Yes, it is very active.

My daughter was not abused, she actually had a lovely life but when she became a teenager she suddenly decided the victim role suited her fine and I became the object of her unwarranted bursts of "crazy" and then she turns around and I am the best mother in the world that she cannot live without, next day she does not even know my name.
People with mental health issues do lash out the most at the person they love the most [a.k.a. Favorite Person].  You are describing black/white thinking with can be part of the BPD/NPD way of thinking.  Do these last minutes/hours/or a few days?  Or are these longer like weeks/months/years?

Rollercoaster life. Two failed marriages mostly due to her behavior (she denies it as her responsibility) and countless failed relationships, mostly with men she can manipulate but end up fighting back.
This is a hallmark of BPD, Symptom #2 in the DSM V. 

Children range in ages and some of them already mirror the same behaviors. No drugs, no alcohol just plain Narcissistic BPD.
This is very disturbing.  What, if anything, are YOU going to do about this?  They are the innocent victims of your daughter's behaviors.  Please keep in mind, that you cannot fix your daughter, unless she become self-aware AND wants to do something about it.  However, as you are self-aware, you are here venting to us, so I know that you care, what can you do about this?  I know that you are "Tired so tired of this."; however, they ARE your grandchildren. 

I have another child who she refuses to have a relationship with because she resents him for whatever she decided long time ago he deserves not to have anything to do with him but pretend to the world she does.
Sibling rivalry often can be abusive.  Also neglect can be abusive.  BPD/NPD is different for each person, and the triggers can be subtle [child didn't get his/her way] or it can terrible [being raped repeatly as a child] or anywhere in between.  That is what makes this condition so difficult to diagnose, and treat.

I am hoping there are others out there that will be willing to share some of the things that have brought some Serenity into the situation.
Serenity, no, but there can be less turmoil.  Sanity, yes.  Learn as much as you can, it will take several hundred hours to do this effectively [at least for me it did].  You can manage the BP/NP; however, it will be a constant power struggle.

Good place to start learning are from the following two books, and expand from there:
“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

“Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad

My personal list on dealing with pwBPD is:
1.  SELF-CARE you need to stay emotionally and physically charged up to deal with drama.  Whether this is exercise, long/hot shower, curl up with a book/movie to escape the reality, do what it takes to keep your mind clear and focused so you can take care or deal with the fallout of the drama that surrounds you.  To me this is by far the most important thing you can do.
2.  Therapy - First get yourself individual therapy, so you can learn to deal with your own feelings and emotions in this drama.  Once you can manage that, then you can help your loved ones. Keeping in mind only you can change what you do, you cannot change others, unless they want to change too.  Encourage your loves ones to also get therapy.
3.  Learn to use the tools contained in the two aforementioned books.  Set boundaries to maintain the sanity.  There will be pushback.  There will be setbacks.  You need to be firm and consistent in using these tools, much like you would have to do with a toddler.  This is how you can maintain sanity in this insane situation.

It is sad that all of the BPD resources never point at our daughters being the perpetrators.
I hear you; however, that is not what I have read, and witnessed, it can be anyone, grandparent, parent, sibling, child, relative, family friend, aquaintences, teachers, and even strangers.

I hope we all find here a place to find hope. Blessings to all.
One of my mantra's is "Hope and Pray for the Best; however, plan for the worst."  This is how I personally deal with my pwBPD [person with BPD].  There are good days, and bad days.

[Rottiemom]

Oh man I have walked your path. No we are not villains, crazy, or imagining this - it is for real.  My suggestion is a good counselor or therapist, I luckily found one 3 yrs ago. Walked in her office & told her I need some tools to handle this reality, I don’t know where I would be without her guidance! Hang in for you with boundaries for you!