Changing boards. No longer trying to better the relationship. And scared

[Modron]

I think I was mistaking have an escape hatch, a way out of the marriage, for thinking there a way to make it better. I'm pretty sure my marriage has to end. Aside from wondering how to do that with someone who's pretty unstable, I'm concerned about me being alone.

I left for work this morning without wishing her a happy birthday. Because, yesterday morning was bad. In fact, it had that "last straw" feel to it. She screamed at me. Treated me terribly. And, I got super calm. Like just done with this calm.

So, I didn't wish her happy birthday this morning. If I wake her up I'm a bad person. If I don't wake her up to say good-bye when I leave I'm a bad person. I'm a "morning person", so I'm a bad person. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm really tired of her screaming at me because she's decided I'm a bad person.

Now, I'm researching online how to file for divorce. And wondering if it really matters if I tell her in her birthday that we need to break up.

Up side, sadly, she has another place to live now, because her mother went into memory care and that house is available. It's in her hometown where she'll be surrounded by all of her high school friends. That's a happy place for her. She can probably take her work there, because she has a work from home job. She has one theatrical gig here in late spring. I suppose she could stay with a friend here during rehearsals and the run of the show. We can divide up the pets.

So, that just leaves me dealing with the change. ...

[who_knows11]

I think I was mistaking have an escape hatch, a way out of the marriage, for thinking there a way to make it better. I'm pretty sure my marriage has to end. Aside from wondering how to do that with someone who's pretty unstable, I'm concerned about me being alone.

I left for work this morning without wishing her a happy birthday. Because, yesterday morning was bad. In fact, it had that "last straw" feel to it. She screamed at me. Treated me terribly. And, I got super calm. Like just done with this calm.

So, I didn't wish her happy birthday this morning. If I wake her up I'm a bad person. If I don't wake her up to say good-bye when I leave I'm a bad person. I'm a "morning person", so I'm a bad person. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm really tired of her screaming at me because she's decided I'm a bad person.

Now, I'm researching online how to file for divorce. And wondering if it really matters if I tell her in her birthday that we need to break up.

Up side, sadly, she has another place to live now, because her mother went into memory care and that house is available. It's in her hometown where she'll be surrounded by all of her high school friends. That's a happy place for her. She can probably take her work there, because she has a work from home job. She has one theatrical gig here in late spring. I suppose she could stay with a friend here during rehearsals and the run of the show. We can divide up the pets.

So, that just leaves me dealing with the change. ...

I feel you completely.  While feeling that "I'm done with it calm" also came a helpless feeling for me.  Just in the fact that I firmly believe nothing will ever make things better for my uBPDw, with or without me.  Mine claims I hold all the cards to fix the relationship, but I can't see that it's true.  I haven't filed for anything, I'm just living day to day.  I wish I had more I could say to pertain directly to your situation but I can at least say I know how you feel.  I just wish there was an answer for all of us

[GaGrl]

Do you need thoughts on how best to plan for telling her and actually separating?

We generally recommend getting preparations done prior to telling her you are filing.

[thankful person]

I feel you completely.  While feeling that "I'm done with it calm" also came a helpless feeling for me.  Just in the fact that I firmly believe nothing will ever make things better for my uBPDw, with or without me.  Mine claims I hold all the cards to fix the relationship, but I can't see that it's true.  I haven't filed for anything, I'm just living day to day.  I wish I had more I could say to pertain directly to your situation but I can at least say I know how you feel.  I just wish there was an answer for all of us

I’m at this stage recently. There is literally nothing I can do or say that is right by my wife at the moment and it feels pretty permanent. So she’s constantly whining that I’m making no effort, and I’m thinking this hardly makes me want to make an effort. Do you have kids? I don’t want to leave the children. That’s the main reason I want to try and make things work. But I’m also just living day to day, very uncertain what the future holds. And reticent to make any more effort right now because everything gets thrown back in my face. But anyway, how can I leave a woman who is begging me to leave her, but also bullying me into not going to work because she needs me to help with the kids?