I doubt he will ever get help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had a discussion with my ubpdh tonight about the communication in our marriage. The discussion was going pretty well so I asked him about looking for a therapist. He told me that he’s put that on hold because he’s stressed out at work.

He’s been telling me for the last year that he wants help. He was between jobs and was waiting for insurance. Insurance kicked in on January 1st and now he has a whole host of new excuses.

He then told me that he understood I needed to make decisions for myself and my kids. That it was on me to decide what I should do as far as stay or leave. He’s right obviously, however it’s really upsetting to me how he seems to be so willing to throw this marriage away. He’s made promise after promise about getting help. He’s cried to me multiple times about wanting help. Push come to shove though, he’s not willing to put in the hard work. Which leaves me with a hard decision.

[Trying123]

I had a discussion with my ubpdh tonight about the communication in our marriage. The discussion was going pretty well so I asked him about looking for a therapist. He told me that he’s put that on hold because he’s stressed out at work.

He’s been telling me for the last year that he wants help. He was between jobs and was waiting for insurance. Insurance kicked in on January 1st and now he has a whole host of new excuses.

He then told me that he understood I needed to make decisions for myself and my kids. That it was on me to decide what I should do as far as stay or leave. He’s right obviously, however it’s really upsetting to me how he seems to be so willing to throw this marriage away. He’s made promise after promise about getting help. He’s cried to me multiple times about wanting help. Push come to shove though, he’s not willing to put in the hard work. Which leaves me with a hard decision.

[EZEarache]

You are correct. People with BPD will rarely seek assistance on their own unless forced to because their impulsive actions have left them at rock bottom. This stems, in part, from their inability to accept blame or responsibility for their actions. They create distorted versions of the past to fit their own narrative to ensure that they are never in the wrong.

I used to be in arguments with my BPD ex that just completely left my head spinning. I would remember vividly the conversation and order of events. My ex would insist on her version of history. It was completely confusing, and at the end of the day I started doubting my own reality.

To a certain extent we all do this. It's the way the human brain works. Every time we humans remember something from the past, the recollection becomes a little distorted. It has to do with the way our brains stores and accesses memories. I read an article about it recently. However, the BPD brain seems to take this distortion to a different extreme.

Are your kids from a previous relationship, or are they also your husband's children?

[Trying123]

I’ve definitely noticed him spinning the truth to make himself come out in a better light. Or he’ll say something completely disrespectful and then claim that I took it the wrong way. He did that just this morning. Apparently, I took our entire conversation about communication last night the wrong way.

My kids are mine from a previous marriage, so not his. That makes things a lot less complicated.

[EZEarache]

Push come to shove though, he’s not willing to put in the hard work. Which leaves me with a hard decision.

Are you getting any therapy or support yourself regarding this issue?

It is often helpful to talk things through with a trained professional. This way you can weigh the pros and cons of your decision. A trained therapist will ask the hard questions, you might not have thought to ask yourself. My therapist refused to treat me anymore if I went back to my ex. That was really the catalyst for me moving out.

I'm interpreting the "ubpdh" as Undiagnosed BPD Husband. Therefore, it sounds like you are married to your BPD. It's definitely easier not having any kids with the BPD. I have one with my BPD ex-girlfriend. Even though we were never married, it's a rocky road that is difficult to navigate in a co-parenting situation. So you're lucky there, at least, if you choose to end the relationship. You'll have the ability to go no-contact eventually. However, you can still expect a long drawn out legal proceeding with a BPD, either way. A friend of mine is completing a divorce with a BPD, and the attorney said that the divorce took much longer than it would have in most cases.

That it was on me to decide what I should do as far as stay or leave.

Yes, we all are responsible to make our own choice. I've read in other posts people say things like, this is the BPD's way of saying, "Let's see how difficult I can make your choices."

I definitely recommend working with a therapist to help you navigate your path forward.

[ForeverDad]

Over the years here it has often been observed that support is a three-legged stool... (1) trusted - really trusted - friends and family (2) Local legal and counseling professionals and (3) peer support such as we have here.

Details can and will vary but that is the best support framework you can have.

It is difficult to come to a conclusion that the only option is to end the relationship, it's not in our nature, but rest assured the other drove this outcome, not you.  It is what it is.  Do what you have to do.

[Trying123]

I’ve often wondered if he’s purposely seeing how far he can push the situation. Unfortunately, I can’t afford therapy. I do go to a 12 step meeting every other week since my husband is dealing with alcoholism on top of the mental health issues. I do have lots of support from my family and a select few friends I talk to.

I’ve come to the conclusion tonight that he’s someone who needs to point out other people’s errors or boast his opinions above other’s so he feels better about himself. Just venting some frustration and still stuck in my decision.