Dealing with daughter

[Tornfamily]

My daughter was diagnosed years ago with BPD.  She took Behavioural Psychology in University so knows the “tricks” when speaking about mental health, suicide, etc.  she thinks she has OCD or Autism.  She has signs of a lot of things.  She is smart and has a big heart but most of the time she is angry, and suicidal.  She thinks the world is against her.  My husband (not her biological father) doesn’t understand anything about mental illness.  I have a son and two stepdaughters (all adults) and I feel like I am alone.  Tension is always high and I am always afraid of what she will say or do next.  I am pulled in every direction.  She will text me constantly about how horrific everyone in our family is and I try to validate her feelings but it’s not enough.  She wants me to say how horrible they are and I can’t because it’s not true.  She won’t seek help (she has “tried” in the past but isn’t Honest).  She says there’s no cure, it’s too expensive, she can’t take time from work, she just wants to die.  I have tried everything (books, the internet, therapy, Nami) and I just don’t know how to cope anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Tornfamily, welcome. You've really been through it with your daughter all these years, and your name says a lot -- it's tearing at your family.

Can I ask, does your D still live at home with you, or is she in a dorm, or apartment, or...?

When she gets suicidal, how do you know -- what I mean is, does she make suicide threats to you, or to others who then tell you, or do you find out via text? Just getting a better picture of your situation.

When I read that she texts you incessantly about how horrible everyone in the family is, and in the past you have tried to validate her feelings, my first thought was -- I wonder how it would be for you, if you felt like you did not have to engage with those texts? If you could tell yourself "you know, I have done my best, and it is OK for me not to validate those feelings any more, and not to engage with any texts that are negative about our family. At first I will be uncomfortable and then I will be OK."

Maybe that could be a first step in changing the stress levels -- what are your thoughts about how that would be for you?

This is a group that truly understands where you are coming from. These are the most challenging relationships, and we're glad you reached out.

Let us know how you all have been doing, whenever works for you;

kells76

[Tornfamily]

My daughter is 32 and purchased her own home about 6 years ago.  She lives about a block away from me.  She is not happy with the house  but she never is happy.  She works from home and has a good job but always wants more.  A better house, a better job…..    She doesn’t go out much, has quit driving and doesn’t really have friends.  Friends always “let her down” and she kicks them to the curb.  She has a beautiful dog that is her best friend and I believe is the only thing keeping her going.  When the dog passes if she doesn’t take her own life I will be surprised. 

I have tried to set boundaries. Some work and some don’t.   She won’t tell me she has a plan to kill herself because she is very smart and knows that would be a mistake.  She says she has never been happy in her life and wants to die.  She asks me if I would make her suffer if she had cancer or another fatal disease.  I saw a therapist for a while until she moved out of the province.  She told me that if someone really wants to take their own life that they will.  No matter how much you try to stop them.  She told me that it isn’t my fault and gave me some good advice on how to try to have a life of my own.  I was ok at it for a while but the last few years have been extremely hard.  I feel like she is going further and further into a dark place.  In the last year my young brother passed away and then my Mother and those were the two other people in her life she was close to.  I think grieving on top of her illness(es?) May push her over the edge.  I too am grieving so I understand that part.  Between taking care of my Dad now, having 3 other adult children, and a granddaughter and her illness, I am mentally exhausted. 

[SusKellett42]

Hi! I don't have any answers - my daughter is only 17 but has also mastered therapy-speak (I just wrote about it in my first post) and is so angry when she's not charming the outside world.
I just wanted you to know there's another completely worn-out, discouraged mother out there as well - empathizing with you and sending you a virtual hug.

[kells76]

That sounds exhausting at best. And it makes sense that even though your past therapist helped and supported you, and that worked okay for a while, the losses you've suffered over the past few years have made it so, so difficult.

Sometimes I'm not sure what to say. I don't have adult children, and my H's kids, while they have many struggles, aren't openly suicidal. I recognize that part of me can say, genuinely, that it will be important to find a way to radically accept that your D is the way she is and you can't control or cure it, and that you need to prioritize taking care of yourself. And then part of me, if I think about what I would do or feel if my H's kids constantly told me how awful their dad is, and that they wanted to kill themselves, recognizes that I would engage with them, bargain/plead with them, overfunction, obsess/worry, and try to fix the situation. It would be very hard for me to detach with love.

So please know that I'm no expert, and I recognize that I would have similar struggles, if I were in your shoes.

Maybe we can still talk through some ways to make your days and moments a little better, or less bad. Does your D talk about her dog with you very much? Is that generally a neutral to positive topic?

We will be here with you on your journey.

kells76

[pursuingJoy]

When the dog passes if she doesn’t take her own life I will be surprised. 

My MIL has BPD and was incredibly attached to her dog. I dreaded the day it passed because I just knew she would spiral, and the messy wake of that spiral would land on us. The day came and I was shocked when she went out a week later and bought a new dog. Looking back, it makes sense. Finding new sources of emotional supply is something pwBPD do all day, every day. It's what your daughter is trying to when she says she's never been happy. They use what works.

My middle daughter was also diagnosed with BPD last year. For 18 years I was her 'person,' the one she loved most and could always rely on. Over the course of 2-3 months, she discarded me and said, "there's nothing about you worth knowing." I haven't seen or spoken to her in 18 months. I have since watched her sisters step into the role I used to play.

In both cases, I'd been conditioned by them to believe that I was responsible to pick up the pieces, that my actions determined their success or failure. In both cases, they proved to be far more resilient than I thought possible.

I know you're tired mama. Me too. I just want you to rest (a little) knowing that you don't determine anyone else's success or failure, just your own.

[Tornfamily]

My daughter adores her dog and she is an amazing dog. She raised her so well and the world revolves around her.   We do talk about the dog and I will go stay with her if my daughter is gone somewhere but I can’t say anything that she can misinterpret.  She will message and ask how the dog is and no matter my response,  she immediately thinks something is wrong.  When we go out together and she leaves the dog home with her bf she will continuously call or text to make sure she is ok.  We once had to turn around and drive home because he was in the shower and didn’t respond.  So my biggest fear is definitely when she loses her “best friend.”