How do I stop "doing" and have her realize she needs to do the doing...

[Momma Mary]

Hello, this is my first post... of what I am sure will be many.

My Daughter is 38 years old.  Realizing that her last episode was very hurtful to me, I did read a little more about BPD and discovered that what she needed from me was to say that I heard her and not offer a resolution.  Which really had me scratching my head.  SHE DIDN'T WANT MY HELP, she wanted my understanding for this one...  outburst...

So suggestions of how do I stop "doing" and have her realize what she needs to do, is my struggle.

Is there a document or book out there that helps to gently have her see that I'm not her only 'savior' and that she can do it?  Live actually. 

I worry a lot about self-harm moments for her and suicidal ideation.  I don't believe she is suicidal but she talks about how her life is too hard to carry on etc.

This is just my starting point, would love any recommendations for reading and/or advice.

thanks.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[exhaustedmama]

Oh, boy, do I understand where you're coming from!  A couple months ago there was a very volatile incident with my DD24 that emotionally and physically harmed me.  It was a wake up moment.  I had to seek help (therapy) for myself.  I have to somehow learn to let her fail and experience the natural consequences of her behaviours instead of over-functioning for her only to receive her abuse because I have yet again overstepped or come across as criticizing and/or invalidating. I haven't known how to do this because if I don't intrude, she lives in ways and in conditions that are really unhealthy.   It is hard to come to terms with not intruding and not enabling because I am doing so not only because I care about her, but also to alleviate my own anxiety about her wellbeing.  I have read some good books on BPD that have educated me and challenged me, but for my daughter to understand that she needs to "do the doing", she'll need to do her own work in therapy.  I can't control her choices, only mine (easier said than done!).  I wish you the best on your journey with your daughter. You're not alone.

A couple good books:  The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Also, I am quite certain Stop Walking on Eggshells is also very good, but I was too hurt and angry when I read it to let in the messages.