adult daughter acts more reasonably around ex-husband/father of her kids

[Easyreader]

Today our adult daughter, who shows symptoms of BPD and Narcissism (undiagnosed) talked with the father of her daughters for several hours. She asked me to come because he was "not leaving when asked after calling her names." I came to her house (next door) and listened to the conversation. She had told him he couldn't take the kids for his visit because he had called her names. I continued to listen because things were decently conversational, although strained. (Note: this is the first decent conversation they have had in several years.)Two and a half hours later, they had resolved a lot of issues and he explained his use of telling her that she was ignorant (simply didn't know) about an issue and she accepted that he was not trying to call her names. Long story short, she let the kids go with him, she talked with him about several other things, and amazing progress was made.
Following that she texted me and was in a whole different mood. She believes that space heaters which we provided for her this winter are now not acceptable. Nor is the wood stove which she forbade me to keep going. The house, which we provide, is quite cool but not dangerous. Several other topics came up and she simply took her own way rather that exhibit rationality. She often is irrational/illogical with me, especially if I have a boundary or the topic is one that causes conflict. She is angry with me because I cannot promise her that she will have her house after we die. (We are elderly but probably have 10 or 15 years left.) We have not made our decisions for our property yet, but are working on those areas. It is our plan to see that she and the girls have a safety net, but it is not in place at this time. We have told her it will take 2 to 5 years to get those plans in place.
Help me understand what makes it possible for her to work through an issue with the girl's father but remain somewhat "prickly" with me and only want her own way. Have you seen the same issues in your adult BPD people?
Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Easyreader;

Help me understand what makes it possible for her to work through an issue with the girl's father but remain somewhat "prickly" with me and only want her own way.

It's a good question -- you see her act almost "normally" with one person, and then totally differently with you. Frustrating when all you want is to have normal interactions with her!

I sometimes think of BPD as a relational disorder. I think some mental illnesses show up the same, no matter who the person is dealing with. It's kind of like -- it's not personal with schizophrenia, as sufferers may be equally paranoid with everyone they deal with, from strangers to family. But with BPD, there's more of a relational intimacy factor to how the disorder shows up. pwBPD can seem to "hold it together" when there's less of an emotional connection with the other person, but as intimacy/emotional closeness increase, so does the dysfunction.

So for your D, perhaps she is feeling much less connected to her kids' dad, and so because there's less intimacy, there's less dysfunction. With you, though, perhaps she still has a close connection -- you can't just "break up" with a mom (not in reality, at least), so the intimacy is still there, which increases the dysfunction.

It would be nice if she could moderate her mood with everyone, but that is definitely one of the core challenges with BPD.

Does it feel personal?

[Easyreader]

Hi Kells 76,
Thank you. I think you nailed it. Your explanation makes sense that pwBPD can go to work and get along with people there better than she does with me (or her father as well). I remember reading on a bipolar kids forum long ago (she has been previously diagnosed as bipolar but I think BPD fits her a whole lot better), that the people closest to the pw with the mental health disorder get much of the fall-out because the close relative can be trusted not to leave. I also see your point about relational disorder as well. That gives me clearness.

As for taking it personally, I think I view it somewhat objectively. I admit, I have to practice breathing during our conversations and I pretend that I am in a plastic vitamin capsule sometimes so that her words just bounce off that shell rather than penetrate. I have found that if I can communicate via text over a period of hours, noting when I have to do a job or be away from the phone for a bit, she at least stays somewhat calm during our conversations. Texting gives me more time to think of how to answer, plus it allows give and take in the conversations. In person conversations tend to be one-sided as she talks most of the time.

I appreciate your help.

Blessings on you and yours.

[kells76]

Hi again Easyreader;

Hi Kells 76,
Thank you. I think you nailed it. Your explanation makes sense that pwBPD can go to work and get along with people there better than she does with me (or her father as well). I remember reading on a bipolar kids forum long ago (she has been previously diagnosed as bipolar but I think BPD fits her a whole lot better), that the people closest to the pw with the mental health disorder get much of the fall-out because the close relative can be trusted not to leave. I also see your point about relational disorder as well. That gives me clearness.

As for taking it personally, I think I view it somewhat objectively. I admit, I have to practice breathing during our conversations and I pretend that I am in a plastic vitamin capsule sometimes so that her words just bounce off that shell rather than penetrate. I have found that if I can communicate via text over a period of hours, noting when I have to do a job or be away from the phone for a bit, she at least stays somewhat calm during our conversations. Texting gives me more time to think of how to answer, plus it allows give and take in the conversations. In person conversations tend to be one-sided as she talks most of the time.

I appreciate your help.

Blessings on you and yours.

That's good to hear that you have a few healthy coping mechanisms for communication with your D. Limiting long, in person conversations, and doing texting instead, sounds smart for your relationship -- like you said, it gives you time and space to reply when it's healthy, not under pressure.

It's similar for me when I interact with my H's kids' mom. If it's in person, I just accept that she is going to talk about herself pretty incessantly, and any different opinions from me will get shot down.

I think you're making a positive choice by texting, because it gives the two of you more experiences with neutral-to-positive interactions with each other. You both are gaining examples of communication going "mostly okay" and not escalating. That helps protect the relationship. It may not ever be a "TV movie mother daughter" relationship, but that's OK, because you are making choices to make the relationship you actually have be the best it can be, no matter how it compares to any other relationship.

Again, now that I think about it, that's kind of similar to things between the kids' mom and me. It's never going to be a "Hollywood movie where the mom and stepmom are best friends and work together" kind of thing... far from it. The "best case scenario" relationship we have is that I don't badmouth her to the kids; if I need to communicate, I send a very structured text message; and I accept that she is deeply insecure and needs to talk about herself a lot, and I let her do that.

It's pretty amazing, and likely good for your relationship, that you're already able to not be reactive and not take things personally. Breathing exercises are difficult for me, so I think you deserve kudos for being able to focus on that in a stressful situation.

Keep us in the loop;

kells76