I get keys to an apartment of my own soon…

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I finally have the courage to leave. Feb 2023 I asked to split after the most recent incident.After 13 years, I decided it was the last. My kids went to stay with their dad and I moved into one of their bedrooms. Since then, she has moved another family into the home and is refusing to sell. I went to talk with her therapist and her to explain my position and that I needed/wanted to be with my kids. She is still refusing to budge. The kids father went after me for child support because it’s taking too long for him. I have applied with the state bar for representation, but have not received a reply.  So, I got an apartment. I get keys Friday. And I’m freaking out. Do I sneak out with my stuff? Do I leave it all behind and figure it out? I don’t have to move fast or right away, I just want to feel safe. I know that she does not believe I will leave and this will be major.

[Velma00000]

I finally have the courage to leave. Feb 2023 I asked to split after the most recent incident.After 13 years, I decided it was the last. My kids went to stay with their dad and I moved into one of their bedrooms. Since then, she has moved another family into the home and is refusing to sell. I went to talk with her therapist and her to explain my position and that I needed/wanted to be with my kids. She is still refusing to budge. The kids father went after me for child support because it’s taking too long for him. I have applied with the state bar for representation, but have not received a reply.  So, I got an apartment. I get keys Friday. And I’m freaking out. Do I sneak out with my stuff? Do I leave it all behind and figure it out? I don’t have to move fast or right away, I just want to feel safe. I know that she does not believe I will leave and this will be major.

[babyducks]

welcome to the website Velma,

most of us have been where you are now.   involved in a high conflict, highly complicated romantic relationship that left us confused and freaking out.   you are among friends.   for me it was with a woman who was diagnosed bipolar 1 and 'something else' on the Cluster B spectrum.

do you mind if I ask a couple of questions? I want to make sure I am reading your message correctly.   you are concerned with your safety as you start the moving process right?

do you have a support network you can use to help with the moving process?  family or friends who can go with you to help keep the situation workable?    depending where you are located can you get professional help in maintaining your safety?   in places in the USA you can make an appointment with the local police to escort you while you remove things.   does she know you are leaving and would she be willing to vacate the house for the hours it takes you to pack and leave?      if the recent incident included domestic violence have you reached out to your local domestic violence agency for emergency assistance?

let us know what you think when you are able.

'ducks

[livednlearned]

Moving in a whole other family sounds like ... wow. No wonder you got an apartment.

I had to leave the same way. It was unsafe whether I stayed or left, but leaving at least led to sanity and in time, safety.

It takes a lot of courage to take these first steps. 

Your story brings up a lot of memories for me. I hope you let us know more about what's going on -- these are big steps to take. It helps to hear from people who understand what you're going through.

[ForeverDad]

If she is refusing to sell, does this mean the house is either jointly owned or jointly mortgaged with you?  If so, then you may have to take legal action to end the co-ownership.  Although you can't force her to sell, if the relationship has ended then probably a court does have the authority to resolve the matter.

Have you sought legal advice?  Often you can have inexpensive consultation, perhaps up to an hour, without having to actually hire the lawyer.

[Velma00000]

Wow you guys. Thank you for the replies. I have been nothing but a ball of nerves. It feels good to know about people making it to the other side of these things. I met with my therapist earlier too, so I’m feeling more prepared.

I am going to reach out to her therapist before her next session on Wednesday and suggest they talk future planning, ie, me leaving and maybe appropriate responses. I openly discussed in our earlier meeting with her that my ex was forcing my hand to leave.

I am going to ask for help, something way outside of my comfort zone. I am going to reach out to a friend of mine in law enforcement and let him know about my situation . I am going to find a group of people who will help me get our belongings quickly. She is not the type of person who will just leave because I ask, especially if she knew it was for me to leave. I had a thought to ask someone to take her fishing or something for awhile.

I did finally receive a referral from the state bar. I’m going to reach out for my consultation tomorrow. I had consulted with a local mediation group, but my ex refused. This would have given her 50/50 ( where legally it would favor me). This was my peace offering. Since then I just haven’t been able to find representation. I applied with per hour groups and legal aide and they said they didn’t have the resources. It has been very discouraging. The attorney they matched me with is a five hour drive, but at least it’s someone.