Introduction - adult daughter

[ScarletTwist]

Hi,

I recently found this site while looking for more information about BPD, and have been reading so many of the posts and finding so much that resonates. What an amazing resource!

My dd is almost 30. As a child she was extremely sensitive and prone to prolonged rages, but was identified as gifted in school and was a high achiever. She was diagnosed in college with ADD and social anxiety and began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed Adderall and Xanax. She saw a therapist briefly at that time and that person mentioned she might have BPD. Since that time she has been on and off various anti-depressants, usually deciding to come off them due to side effects and the perception that they weren’t helping her, (even though her close family could see a difference.) She got married not long out of college and we haven’t seen her on a daily basis since then, but there have been a few episodes of depression, some bizarre behaviors, and some irrational lashing out at us at times over the last few years. I am sure there is also a lot she hasn’t told us.

Now it seems her marriage is in trouble. I hear mostly second hand from her older sister, who is well adjusted and is currently the favorite person. I hear her husband wants to do couples counseling but apparently she refuses. She is very angry at him and I am sad to think of what he has probably gone through. He seems to be a very kind and decent man who has done his best under very trying circumstances. Fortunately there are no children involved, as she never wanted any.

I feel like I am trying to prepare myself and my husband, (her father,) for what might be coming if they do, in fact, decide to separate. We love her and worry about her a lot, and my biggest fear is that she will hurt herself, as she has had suicidal thoughts in the past. It’s very scary and unsettling. At the same time I need to protect my own mental health and the peace in our home. This is a very abbreviated version of our story by way of introduction, but as I said at the beginning, a lot of what I am reading here and elsewhere sounds familiar.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi ScarletTwist and welcome.

Like all of us here you have been on a long journey. Your story highlights what a range of factors there are in each individual BPD sufferer. In my case dd is low functioning, dropped out of school and mixes with others who also have a range of conditions and drop out of school.

One thing that resonated with me is that state of anticipation you are in. You can feel the clouds gathering, you don't know when or what exactly will happen - it's like being on high alert all the time. And when there is a concern about self harm - well everything just intensifies so much more.

You are lucky that your other daughter is in contact and your dd trusts her to confide in her. This is such an important factor.

I wonder if thinking through some scenarios and how you would be possibly involved in each might help? For example how would things look if there is a separation? Is there property that would be divided? Where do you think your dd would move to? Would she be likely to move in with you? If dd self harmed, who would know about it and what could happen?

Would dd require financial support? Would she be likely to want to move in with her sister? Do you think there is another person involved at all?

Sometimes thinking things through beforehand can be helpful. It might be that none of the things you anticipate actually happen, but somehow it clarifies the mind to do this.

For example you briefly say that you want a peaceful home. Reading between the lines, I am thinking that things would not be peaceful if dd came home. Do you make a decision that she can't come home, but you will support her finding her own accommodation?

Looking back, I wish I had been clearer on what my boundaries were and the ways I could support my dd.

I am glad you are here. Reading these posts is a great help in clarifying your own thoughts, your own situation.

[ScarletTwist]

Sancho,

Thanks for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully, and for the welcome. You are right that it feels like being in a state of high alert, not knowing what is going to happen next, or when or how we will get pulled in. It’s very draining.

I am someone who likes to plan and prepare, whereas my husband tends to take things as they come. In some ways we balance each other out that way. He listens and is always very supportive of me, but he thinks I spend too much time worrying, whereas I am trying to analyze and understand, and also make sure we are both on the same page about boundaries when it comes to what might happen with dd.

You perceived correctly that I am not comfortable with the idea of dd moving back in. TBH I dread the thought, although I feel terrible for saying that about my own daughter and would likely give in and allow it, at least for a short time, if she had no alternative. That said, I doubt she is particularly interested in coming here either. She has been quite critical and rude about our home in recent years, and would find it very hard to respect our rules. Her sister currently lives overseas, so that’s not an option. The distance helps, because they would probably soon be fighting if they had to live together again. DD actually has a good job and is well paid, but we live in an expensive part of the country and she will have to lower her expectations to find a more affordable apartment if they do end up separating. She also mostly hates her job but dismisses any suggestions about looking for another one and has been there several years. I think it is a large part of her identity and she has been promoted, so I am sure they think well of her.

In the last few years especially, she has been confusing and draining to deal with. We go through phases when all seems calm and we either hear from her frequently, (mostly by text and often about random subjects that have captured her intense interest,) or not at all for weeks. She can be quite sweet and pleasant at times, but then something sets her off and she goes into a tirade about, for example, how we don’t care about her and have always favored her sister. She demands we just admit it - how can we admit to something we don’t believe? She can be very emotionally abusive and takes pride in never giving in in an argument. After one of these outbursts there is never any apology and she will typically reach out about something random and neutral to reestablish contact, as though we are all supposed to have forgotten it all. Sometimes this happens within just a day or so.

Every time things settle down there’s a tendency to hope the calm will continue, and a part of me is still quite shocked every time there’s another episode. I am frightened for her, and for us. I guess I have a lot to think about in terms of boundaries.

Thanks again for your support! I am grateful for this wonderful resource. Reading about others‘ experiences is certainly thought provoking and illuminating.