She finally ended it. I think... I'm a bit devastated and lost.

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey.

It's been 5 years since the last time I posted or came here. I'm a bit private about my life and it's hard for me to come here and talk about my personal life, but I have literally nobody to talk to right now and this is destroying me. I really need help.

My SO or EX SO (confused still), has been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar and I knew that since we started dating. I came here in the first year of our relationship seeking advice, but never posted since. It's been rough, but my life took a major hit during covid. I had an autoimmune illness that got a lot worse after getting covid, developed a cervical issue and other health problems and it's beyond me how I could have gotten so many problems at once. In turn all these health issues made me completely broke, I owe money to so many places and have so much debt, I have nothing left, my bank account has less than 150 dollars and the bills amounting are a lot more than that. Things are so much worse than this but I'm afraid to talk about the rest, it's nothing criminal, I'v never had problem with the law, never did anything wrong in that aspect, but to me I feel it's even worse than a felony, it affects my life more than it, I really wish and wanted to talk about it but I'm afraid to.

SO really didnt help me during this, but she was the only person I had left. I have no family emotionally capable to assist or financially willing to help. I didn't invest in friendships while I'v been involved with my SO so I really have no close friends anymore. I used to be an athlete, but due to these health problems, I can no longer workout. This was the way I maintained my mental health and self esteem as a former obese teen and after working out for 13years non stop, it's been over 2 years since I can't. I lost almost 20lbs of muscle mass since, for both not being able to work out and not being able to afford enough food because of the financial problems.

Last year or so has been the toughest. SO has been working and making more money than me. I haven't used her money for myself but have been unable to do many activities she went to do, like going to bars, concerts or eating out, so she did those without me and I'v been feeling lonely even with her for last 6-12 months. I'd only get to see her for a couple days a week and she barely looked at me, she would stay on the phone the whole time, she barely had sex with me even thought she liked to tease me and not do anything afterwards. She'd still say she loved me but she didn't show it, she'd ask where was her ring, when I was going to marry her, talk about kids and make plans and I'd just ask her why she didn't engage with me, that I needed the volatility to stop so would could make plans, that I wanted her to talk to me and show interest, it was really weird how she'd breakup with me all the time and still talk about marriage lately. In these 6 years she broke up with me 30-50 times, but it was always an emotional outburst that lasted minutes or hours. This time it seems she really planned it. She has some really bad friend groups and I feel like she's been talking about me and they planned with her on dumping me. This weekend she went to a rave or something like that, she partied with her friend till 5am and got drunk till she puked, came to see me next day with a hangover, stayed with me, it was the first time in many months I didn't feel alone with her, she was a lot more loving and I felt it was off, but I'd rather enjoy the moment than overthink. Next day she broke up with me, said she saw no future and her feelings didn't change about me, only about herself (wtf?). She also said she was breaking up with me but it wasn't forever.

I see her stories on instagram, she's acting like she's on vacation, she seems manic. I'm in a state of shock since she broke up with me last monday. Since she did so many times before I'd never know if it was for real or not so it's an odd feeling because it seems its really over, but she at the same time said it wasn't forever, I can imply I guess she needed a vacation from me because my depression was bringing her down and said maybe if I started to move more we'd get back together. It feels really unfair, she never lifted a finger to help me and she'd complain if I looked unhappy even though I'd keep my mouth shut not to verbalize my feelings. Even typing this feels awful that I'd even miss a relationship like this, but I'v been so lonely, anything is better than nothing.

I was finally starting to have some prospects about getting my career back on track and most of my plans were in a standstill because we were planning on leaving the country together and I knew our relationship was a wreck... I don't even know if I want this back, but this is the longest relationship I'v had, everything reminds me of her and even though I was deprived of sex even with her and really wanted to talk to someone I never did and I still feel this commitment to her.

I barely left my room for the last 2 years or so. I feel like a slave to me health issues, I thought I'd be able to solve them, but dozens of doctors later, the ones who took me seriously said I should just accept my new life, I'm 32 and I feel worse than my parents. I can't even sleep right anymore, I need 6 pillows to sleep and I take 6 medications daily and 1 injection every month. 2 surgeries would fix it but I couldn't find a surgeon who was willing to operate, at least not on my insurance. As far as they know, I don't need to workout to survive and I'v survived the last 2 years so why do surgery.

I really don't want to die, but I understand why some people take their lives now. I don't know how much longer I can take living like this. I'm losing all hope. I'm so ashamed of posting this online. I really don't like attention, but this is how lonely I'm right now.

I'm sorry this post was so long, I tried to make it as short as possible all things considered, but if you made it through and can give any advice I'd be so grateful.

[livednlearned]

H, I can’t write much, waiting for my kid to be done in urgent care and I’m crap at texting on my phone, but wanted to say thanks for posting. What’s the point in keeping it all in, I say. We’re strangers here so it’s like howling into a canyon on a moonlit night. Sometimes you just want to know something else is out there 

Mental illness gets all over us and sticks like glue. Plus, what a rough ride with Covid. I would be bummed too. There are smarter people than me on this board who probably have suggestions for the debt thing. I’m always surprised when I think I’ve thought of everything then come here and learn there are all these doors I didn’t know you could open and walk through.

It sounds like you’re in one of those moments where it all seems bad. But I notice she said not forever and you reached out to the gang here. So let’s take a sec to appreciate that.

Lnl

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

I'm not really sure I have much to offer.  I just wanted to say that I read your post and I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  If you are like most people on here who have had a partner who has been diagnosed with BPD, you have probably devoted yourself entirely to your partner, and given up many of the things you used to enjoy.  I know you said that working out was an important part of your life for 13 years until you got Covid and the health problems that developed as a result of having Covid with an auto-immune disorder, and that you aren't able to work out like you did 2 years ago.  Not knowing your exact medical problems, it is hard to make any suggestions, but is it possible for you to get outside and walk a little.  Just the movement and the fresh air may help some.  It is time for you to focus on you, and do things that you enjoy or that will help you to feel a little better at least.  Try not to look at her instagram posts.  I know it's hard not to, but realize that most people present a false impression on social media of how wonderful their lives are.  If you saw the posts my daughter-in-law with BPD makes on her social media sites, you would think that she is the happiest person without a care in the world, and that her life is full of adventure and excitement.  I know that her life is nothing like what she portrays on social media.  Could you start reaching out to friends you once had?  Maybe start reconnecting on social media, or call them up and see if they would be interested doing something you both enjoy, like watching a sporting event on TV or having a game night.  My 30 something kids love getting together with friends to share board games.  Maybe there is something else you used to enjoy doing with them.  Now that my son is getting divorced from his wife with BPD, he has friends who he used to hang out with tell him that they distanced themselves from him while he was with his wife, because they didn't like to see the way she treated him.  Don't know if this might be the case with you as well.  Since you may not be planning to leave the country anymore, maybe you can focus on the career prospects you mentioned in your post.  It sounds like the lack of good medical insurance is a major problem for you right now, a job that offers a good medical plan could be really important for you to get yourself back on track.  I'm sure I'm not offering any advice that you haven't thought of yourself.  The important thing is to focus on you, and do the things that will help to make you feel better emotionally and physically.  I know things must feel hopeless to you right now, but things will get better. Once you start focusing on taking care of you, and doing things that will make you happy, things will seem a lot better.  Please come here to talk anytime you feel the need.  There are a lot of wonderful listeners here. 

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you both for the responses. Anything is helpful at this point. I felt better just by venting a bit.

If you are like most people on here who have had a partner who has been diagnosed with BPD, you have probably devoted yourself entirely to your partner, and given up many of the things you used to enjoy.

Tbh I'm not too sure I was giving up much lately, she appeared so detached lately and we'd only see each other less than 48h a week, I didn't feel like I'd be walking on eggshells like earlier in the relationship, though I did feel anxious and a bit walking on eggshells when she was with me, specially at night, she's really lazy and when she was with me she literally would never leave bed and would have me do everything, I often was relieved when she fell a sleep cuz she would be unbearable until I did what she wanted me to do.

 I know you said that working out was an important part of your life for 13 years until you got Covid and the health problems that developed as a result of having Covid with an auto-immune disorder, and that you aren't able to work out like you did 2 years ago.  Not knowing your exact medical problems, it is hard to make any suggestions, but is it possible for you to get outside and walk a little.  Just the movement and the fresh air may help some.

Yes, I can definitely go for a walk, I agree that it should help, I planned to do it today, but I was so depressed today it wasn't even a matter of laziness, I felt uncapable of moving until 1h after posting here.

Try not to look at her instagram posts.  I know it's hard not to, but realize that most people present a false impression on social media of how wonderful their lives are.  If you saw the posts my daughter-in-law with BPD makes on her social media sites, you would think that she is the happiest person without a care in the world, and that her life is full of adventure and excitement.  I know that her life is nothing like what she portrays on social media.

I know I shouldn't look, but like you said, it's hard, specially since she's the first person that appears to me if I open Instagram. I already left all other social media outlets during our relationship because she would post things that would hurt me deeply and despite my attempts to talk to her about these posts, she kept doing it, so I quit those platforms.

What really was beyond painful to me was that despite you being right about most people, she posts often and she did things like going to a birthday dinner the day after she broke up with me and sleeping over with a friend doing obscene poses. After all we've been through I wouldn't think she would be able to break up with me and go out like this like it never happened. She even posted a screenshot of a message a guy that was hitting on her regularly while we were together, kissing her ass like he always did and telling her how strong she was. This really hit me hard because I always told her that guy wasn't her friend and he was just kissing ass to try to get laid.

Could you start reaching out to friends you once had?...Since you may not be planning to leave the country anymore, maybe you can focus on the career prospects you mentioned in your post.  It sounds like the lack of good medical insurance is a major problem for you right now, a job that offers a good medical plan could be really important for you to get yourself back on track.

I had only one group of friends left, I had an argument with one of the guys from this group in 2019 because I kept trying to do something together and they kept going out without me, I pressed on him and it turns out they weren't as close to me as I felt I was to them. I'm very introverted individual and had a bit of a rough life, so I had long periods of solitude and I guess I to me we were good friends and to them I was a bit of a third leg. This hurt me pretty bad and I never talked to them again, I still have nightmares about it. I guess I'm not very good picking who I want to be close with. My other closer friends including my former best friend all have moved to another country.

I'm the one who really wanted to move out since the beginning of the relationship. This is something I'v been tackling with lately because I know a lot of people who'd be open to be friends with me but I'm afraid of investing in making friends and leaving the country and not being able to see them.

I think I already have the best insurance, I was just wondering if the coverage wasn't worth my operation and perhaps if I could pay cash they would be more willing.

The important thing is to focus on you, and do the things that will help to make you feel better emotionally and physically.  I know things must feel hopeless to you right now, but things will get better. Once you start focusing on taking care of you, and doing things that will make you happy, things will seem a lot better.  Please come here to talk anytime you feel the need.  There are a lot of wonderful listeners here.

The thing that really makes me stuck is my health, I hate where I am right now, but I need health insurance and if I leave I don't have the means to afford healthcare yet. If I had been able to solve my health problems our relationship wouldn't have decayed so badly too. I saw so many doctors... literally 40+

[livednlearned]

Is it possible you have PTSD from your medical experiences? I know it's not technically trauma but at the same time, it's traumatic, no?

My son had 4 surgeries in 3 years and he did EMDR. I'm not sure if he would say he's healed (he still has some phantom type experiences that I suspect are from long-term rehabilitation issues) but he did seem to get something from the experience.

I did somatic experiencing therapy (SET) to help with neck pain that originated with a head-on collision in my teens, but also with physical abuse throughout childhood.

A lot of this type of healing comes out of the work Bessel van der Kolk writes about in The Body Keeps the Score.

By no means do I mean to minimize what you're going through, quite the opposite. I don't think many of these therapies fully cure or heal pain. However they do seem to help with the mind-body connection so we can at least address that aspect.

And it's understandable, too, if you feel irritated by suggestions like this 

When my BPD relationship was unraveling I was so shook it was hard to make coffee, much less take advice from people. I didn't feel like a normal person with normal problems, and in retrospect, that was an accurate assessment.

However, I had nothing to lose and weirdly, even though some of the advice I took didn't necessarily make things better, I think the act of being open to advice changed my life. I used to be so guarded and walled off. I kept my suffering to myself. I saw myself as a strong person even though I cleaned n/BPDx's poop off the walls and on more than one occasion was locked out of the house. What strong person has a separate back up purse with a credit card and car keys hidden in the yard 

I don't know how but sometimes in spite of ourselves things do get better. My ex was a former trial attorney who used to taunt me by saying no one in family court would believe me, he knew all the judges, I was not a credible witness blah blah blah. I had what some people call a widow fantasy because I thought him having a heart attack was the only way I could protect my son. And yet, I ended up with sole custody in a state known for not granting it. Don't believe what your mind tells you! And definitely don't believe what your ex says on social media. As bad as you feel, I guarantee she feels worse. If it's BPD, and it's untreated, she's definitely feeling worse than you.

[Hlinthewiking]

Is it possible you have PTSD from your medical experiences? I know it's not technically trauma but at the same time, it's traumatic, no?

...
And it's understandable, too, if you feel irritated by suggestions like this 

I don't think I have PTSD, I met someone with real PTSD and I'm not like that. I can think and talk about what happened without feeling much or any negative emotion. It did change me though, I acknowledge it, I even became a bit religious after, which is something people who knew me before would think it was super odd. It was the worst 4 days or my life, I was sure I was going to die. I didn't sleep for those 4 days because I didn't think I'd wake up and couldn't lie down without worsening the symptoms because I didn't know exactly the position that was compressing my arteries/veins or knew what was going on. I even said goodbye to my parents on the phone, I had nobody with me and despite going to the ER 4 times the doctors never checked for vascular problems and kept insisting it was only nerve compression only and sending me home. Took months to find out exactly what was happening and I was only able to sleep on the 4th day because after going to my hospital bed I accidentally found out a position I could sit/recline back without feeling I was going to die and I still have to sleep like that even over 2 years after it happened.

I'm sorry what you had to go through with your separation and with your son health issues. I hope it's still getting better for him as time goes by. I don't feel irritated or offended by anything, it's very hard to offend me, specially if I know the person doesn't mean it. I'm a very stable person usually, maybe that's I get stuck in these BPD relationship for so long without ties like marriage or kids.