I miss him so much

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, i will try to make this short despite of being a long story and also english isn't my first language, so i apologize if i say something bit hard to understand. First of all, i'm 25, i'm a person who never experienced a real relationship (even online) sexual mental abuse, and other bad experiences like being used a lot. So my hopes were down, i was working on loving myself since i used to have worse self esteem problems too. Also, due to the bad experiences i tend to have low trust on someone, i also overcomplicate a lot over silly things, i overthink a lot and sometimes tend to be a bit intense. After a bad experience with someone (i'm totally over that) i had a friend who i met in a game, a simulator game, he was my friend and i can say he acted more than that in my opinion, always more than worried, telling me how cute i'm, what i deserve and gave me advises with the previous guy. Thing is... once the previous guy did something that made me put an end at it, this friend became closer, was there for me, and told me he had feelings for me and wanted to treat me how i deserve, sweet things, etc. So basically, after a week we were online dating, and i'm sure there are people who believe an online relationship or distance isn't succesfull, maybe it isn't maybe is, but thing is, i never experienced love, so i assure that the previous experience was over and i didn't care, so being with him was a new world for me to explore, we talk about the feelings, about being together, he told me before he has bpd, depression, anxiety, and maybe something else. Well, after a week of confessing the feelings, i started to feel attracted to him but still having trauma from previous experiences, scared of being used, abused, etc, but he made sure to make me feel calm and happy all the time, reassured me, SHOW me love, we accepted despite of being a hard long distance relationship... i was happy, more than that, was like experiencing something amazing for the first time, he was incredible caring, loving, worried about me, he was amazing. Also, i saw him during bad moments, he used to be pessimist with himself, friends or family a lot, like a lot and i can understand him because i used to be pessimist too, even negative, yet i was there, trying to cheer him up somehow. We had a good experience, loving one, it was important because during that period i took care of granma alone in her apartment, i understood what living "alone" feels like (granma was taken to bed at 7pm daily so night was lonely and a bit sad i admit). But he was there, we had calls mostly daily, we cook together, we play, he used to love sleeping in a call with me most of the times which was new to me and i love it, the feeling of having him there and hearing his yawning next morning. Gotta admit, we had negative moments too, maybe him being in a situation he didnt like, he was complainning and so mad, i tried to calm him down but i saw him getting worse, yet i was there still, until he calm down and apologized for yelling, it's not good i know, but i felt ok, he told me problems with his life, family, friends, then he calm down more and we were there chilling in the call for the rest of the night, i also told him my problems, it was mutual, things were like that for a good time, i met one of his friends during a gameplay, i "introduced" him to my best friend too, despite of my ex having small trust issues on him. He even was in my birthday in a call, it felt really nice, but curious at the same time like being there in the phone while my family and i celebrate, after that we play and i remember that call lasted 3 days, could last more. Things were good, but we had some worrying conversations about him, he used to tell me he was afraid of me leaving him for someone "better" (he also had bad love experiences besides being used, abused, cheated), but i also had the same fear, yet i trusted him, sadly i was about to face a bad episode in my life about many problems coming in at the same time, i was facing school problems, parents usually fought a lot, i changed a bit like i was starting to feel numb, i lost interest on life, friends, family and more... but thing is, wasn't that i hate them or something i felt the feelings WERE there but frozen, like something was blocking me to feel anything, a friend told me maybe i was facing a first depressive episode, it was horrible, yet my ex was still there, but sadly i wasn't or didn't feel enough to support him or what to do, i don't even know how to describe it, like i was starting to feel distant with everyone but only one friend, only one, but barely wanted to do anything... i think my ex took this bit wrong, i tried to be clear, telling him how i felt but it didn't mean i stopped loving him, i just didn't know what was happening, we agreed maybe i needed a time to be alone from everyone including him, he said: just promise me you aren't seeing someone else?. It's true... isn't about someone else, i reassured him, but i felt that made me worse, that "break from life" took 2 days since i felt like i wanted to still talk to him. He also told me he needed me to recover so we pursue our relationship. But it went worse for me, i didn't want to see everyone but at the same time i wanted to, i gotta mention i also struggle with school so, remembering my past about a mistake i made is like a meltdown for me. So things got harder, we were more distant, he even said: i sense we are drifting apart... what do you wanna do about it?. I wasn't able to think about a solution, i swear i was lost, horrible lost, it felt like me trapped inside a hard diamond and not able to break it. I'm sure he was feeling worse, even one day he said a big paragraph and said stuff like: what i think? i think you are over us that you moved on, it makes me sad, i miss you but i also still love you a lot if you need to talk i'm always here. This made me cry because i didn't know how to tell him i don't really know what is wrong with me, i loved him but like i said i was frozen, not even able to tell mom i love her. So, after some time he became colder by bit, still sending each other i love you messages. One day we almost had a fight, he was sad and told me how he remembers being mean to everyone in the past, including his ex, he assured he was over her but not the pain he caused to her and other people, sadly my stupidity of overthinking took this in a bad way, i impulsively though he was more into his past than our current situation, i impulsively told him: then don't do this in your next relationship. It only made things worse but he was still there, i regret saying that. Time passed, he tried to join boot camp trainning, in short everything was getting colder, but inside i was still trapped, i wanted to solve it. So, let's say we didn't break up, like a typical breaking up, we just... literally said Merry Christmas in december and then he was gone, never answered me... for a very long time... it was really hard for me facing that, it happened on 2021... and it still hurts like that day, i remember i went worse than numb, didn't want anything, i guess that's how a break up feels like? I don't have experience but i will just say it was bad... i blamed my episode of being distant, i blamed myself because i felt like i could have done something... Time passed and i wasn't able to love again, i tried to contact him but no response. I felt like a call could have fixed that. In short, i missed him, i still do, i miss him, with his bad moments, good moments, everything... He answered me last year, 2022, but december i think, we had a conversation, he started with a: i'm not going into great detail, all i will say i'm sorry for everything. He told me lots of stuff, he was rejected in the military, told me he distanced himself from everyone and had issues, he also apologized for what he did and i was feeling better but i think i priorized him that time because i missed him so i forgot to tell him how i felt during his abssence, after a while of barely talk, i told him in anger and sadness how the long period was, he told me sorry again but that also i shouldnt made him look like a villain in the story, that also he hurt me and i'm mad and its natural, also told me he moved his past the way he could and that hoped i find happiness, and also he keep having the goal of living away from everyone, isolated, which sound hard but interesting, i was and probably will be able to accept a life like that with him. Also he said: i'm not meant for love, not anymore.    So that happened, im sorry if its too long, but it's something that no matter how many times i write it or remember it, i miss him, i miss him a lot, the way he is, with good and bad, with the love he gave me and the painful episodes he faced. Nowadays we rarely talk, he rarely responds, i feel he is way over it, i mean, it happened long time ago, but i'm not over it, over everything, it was ... happiness... imagine finding something you always wanted so suddenly after facing many bad experiences. He is amazing, i miss him a lot, i still love him, i still do, i can't change, aside him, i'm ok with my life, but it's just... i don't wanna meet anyone else but him. But it seems that he's not there, he no longer feels everything or he doesn't feel anything at the moment, and the fear of him finding someone else could hurt a lot, but i wouldn't do anything if that happens... its how life goes. I miss him a lot. I tried to read helpful advises on how to get over someone, but what really happens is when i'm busy with something, but once i get free from chores, he stills there. I don't think he wants to talk to me, he ignores me despite of one day he told me he barely uses instagram (where we used to talk). I miss him, so much despite of being 2 years almost since we started. Miss the activities we did. I know this story will be public but. It's what i feel to do to share the experience... I really wish to be with him, i learned from our previous experience. I understand people will say: there will be better ones, someone who wouldn't abandon you like he did. YES i know, but i would choose him again, if we talk and fix it, i still choose him.

[littleLlama]

Hello, i will try to make this short despite of being a long story and also english isn't my first language, so i apologize if i say something bit hard to understand. First of all, i'm 25, i'm a person who never experienced a real relationship (even online) sexual mental abuse, and other bad experiences like being used a lot. So my hopes were down, i was working on loving myself since i used to have worse self esteem problems too. Also, due to the bad experiences i tend to have low trust on someone, i also overcomplicate a lot over silly things, i overthink a lot and sometimes tend to be a bit intense. After a bad experience with someone (i'm totally over that) i had a friend who i met in a game, a simulator game, he was my friend and i can say he acted more than that in my opinion, always more than worried, telling me how cute i'm, what i deserve and gave me advises with the previous guy. Thing is... once the previous guy did something that made me put an end at it, this friend became closer, was there for me, and told me he had feelings for me and wanted to treat me how i deserve, sweet things, etc. So basically, after a week we were online dating, and i'm sure there are people who believe an online relationship or distance isn't succesfull, maybe it isn't maybe is, but thing is, i never experienced love, so i assure that the previous experience was over and i didn't care, so being with him was a new world for me to explore, we talk about the feelings, about being together, he told me before he has bpd, depression, anxiety, and maybe something else. Well, after a week of confessing the feelings, i started to feel attracted to him but still having trauma from previous experiences, scared of being used, abused, etc, but he made sure to make me feel calm and happy all the time, reassured me, SHOW me love, we accepted despite of being a hard long distance relationship... i was happy, more than that, was like experiencing something amazing for the first time, he was incredible caring, loving, worried about me, he was amazing. Also, i saw him during bad moments, he used to be pessimist with himself, friends or family a lot, like a lot and i can understand him because i used to be pessimist too, even negative, yet i was there, trying to cheer him up somehow. We had a good experience, loving one, it was important because during that period i took care of granma alone in her apartment, i understood what living "alone" feels like (granma was taken to bed at 7pm daily so night was lonely and a bit sad i admit). But he was there, we had calls mostly daily, we cook together, we play, he used to love sleeping in a call with me most of the times which was new to me and i love it, the feeling of having him there and hearing his yawning next morning. Gotta admit, we had negative moments too, maybe him being in a situation he didnt like, he was complainning and so mad, i tried to calm him down but i saw him getting worse, yet i was there still, until he calm down and apologized for yelling, it's not good i know, but i felt ok, he told me problems with his life, family, friends, then he calm down more and we were there chilling in the call for the rest of the night, i also told him my problems, it was mutual, things were like that for a good time, i met one of his friends during a gameplay, i "introduced" him to my best friend too, despite of my ex having small trust issues on him. He even was in my birthday in a call, it felt really nice, but curious at the same time like being there in the phone while my family and i celebrate, after that we play and i remember that call lasted 3 days, could last more. Things were good, but we had some worrying conversations about him, he used to tell me he was afraid of me leaving him for someone "better" (he also had bad love experiences besides being used, abused, cheated), but i also had the same fear, yet i trusted him, sadly i was about to face a bad episode in my life about many problems coming in at the same time, i was facing school problems, parents usually fought a lot, i changed a bit like i was starting to feel numb, i lost interest on life, friends, family and more... but thing is, wasn't that i hate them or something i felt the feelings WERE there but frozen, like something was blocking me to feel anything, a friend told me maybe i was facing a first depressive episode, it was horrible, yet my ex was still there, but sadly i wasn't or didn't feel enough to support him or what to do, i don't even know how to describe it, like i was starting to feel distant with everyone but only one friend, only one, but barely wanted to do anything... i think my ex took this bit wrong, i tried to be clear, telling him how i felt but it didn't mean i stopped loving him, i just didn't know what was happening, we agreed maybe i needed a time to be alone from everyone including him, he said: just promise me you aren't seeing someone else?. It's true... isn't about someone else, i reassured him, but i felt that made me worse, that "break from life" took 2 days since i felt like i wanted to still talk to him. He also told me he needed me to recover so we pursue our relationship. But it went worse for me, i didn't want to see everyone but at the same time i wanted to, i gotta mention i also struggle with school so, remembering my past about a mistake i made is like a meltdown for me. So things got harder, we were more distant, he even said: i sense we are drifting apart... what do you wanna do about it?. I wasn't able to think about a solution, i swear i was lost, horrible lost, it felt like me trapped inside a hard diamond and not able to break it. I'm sure he was feeling worse, even one day he said a big paragraph and said stuff like: what i think? i think you are over us that you moved on, it makes me sad, i miss you but i also still love you a lot if you need to talk i'm always here. This made me cry because i didn't know how to tell him i don't really know what is wrong with me, i loved him but like i said i was frozen, not even able to tell mom i love her. So, after some time he became colder by bit, still sending each other i love you messages. One day we almost had a fight, he was sad and told me how he remembers being mean to everyone in the past, including his ex, he assured he was over her but not the pain he caused to her and other people, sadly my stupidity of overthinking took this in a bad way, i impulsively though he was more into his past than our current situation, i impulsively told him: then don't do this in your next relationship. It only made things worse but he was still there, i regret saying that. Time passed, he tried to join boot camp trainning, in short everything was getting colder, but inside i was still trapped, i wanted to solve it. So, let's say we didn't break up, like a typical breaking up, we just... literally said Merry Christmas in december and then he was gone, never answered me... for a very long time... it was really hard for me facing that, it happened on 2021... and it still hurts like that day, i remember i went worse than numb, didn't want anything, i guess that's how a break up feels like? I don't have experience but i will just say it was bad... i blamed my episode of being distant, i blamed myself because i felt like i could have done something... Time passed and i wasn't able to love again, i tried to contact him but no response. I felt like a call could have fixed that. In short, i missed him, i still do, i miss him, with his bad moments, good moments, everything... He answered me last year, 2022, but december i think, we had a conversation, he started with a: i'm not going into great detail, all i will say i'm sorry for everything. He told me lots of stuff, he was rejected in the military, told me he distanced himself from everyone and had issues, he also apologized for what he did and i was feeling better but i think i priorized him that time because i missed him so i forgot to tell him how i felt during his abssence, after a while of barely talk, i told him in anger and sadness how the long period was, he told me sorry again but that also i shouldnt made him look like a villain in the story, that also he hurt me and i'm mad and its natural, also told me he moved his past the way he could and that hoped i find happiness, and also he keep having the goal of living away from everyone, isolated, which sound hard but interesting, i was and probably will be able to accept a life like that with him. Also he said: i'm not meant for love, not anymore.    So that happened, im sorry if its too long, but it's something that no matter how many times i write it or remember it, i miss him, i miss him a lot, the way he is, with good and bad, with the love he gave me and the painful episodes he faced. Nowadays we rarely talk, he rarely responds, i feel he is way over it, i mean, it happened long time ago, but i'm not over it, over everything, it was ... happiness... imagine finding something you always wanted so suddenly after facing many bad experiences. He is amazing, i miss him a lot, i still love him, i still do, i can't change, aside him, i'm ok with my life, but it's just... i don't wanna meet anyone else but him. But it seems that he's not there, he no longer feels everything or he doesn't feel anything at the moment, and the fear of him finding someone else could hurt a lot, but i wouldn't do anything if that happens... its how life goes. I miss him a lot. I tried to read helpful advises on how to get over someone, but what really happens is when i'm busy with something, but once i get free from chores, he stills there. I don't think he wants to talk to me, he ignores me despite of one day he told me he barely uses instagram (where we used to talk). I miss him, so much despite of being 2 years almost since we started. Miss the activities we did. I know this story will be public but. It's what i feel to do to share the experience... I really wish to be with him, i learned from our previous experience. I understand people will say: there will be better ones, someone who wouldn't abandon you like he did. YES i know, but i would choose him again, if we talk and fix it, i still choose him.