Not really sure where to start

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am not sure where to start but I think the bottom line - when you decide that enough is enough?

I have been married for 17 years and have two kids (10 and 13). I could write volumes about the years of chaos and drama, but recently things seemed better. My husband has been in therapy and while I don’t know how exact diagnosis I know BPD adjacent terms have been thrown into the mix. But when I read about it sometimes I wonder how much of my own behavior falls within personally disorder territory or how much is a reaction to the years of confusion.

Currently I am at the point where my ten year old nearly daily asks me what my husband is mad at me about today. The other day I asked my kids if they wanted their dad to make them dinner and they strongly asked me not to ask him. When I dug a bit it seemed that they were afraid if I would ask he would just end up mad at me.
It’s exhausting.

I have been reluctant to separate or divorce because I do hold onto some hope, but mostly because I really worry about my kids on their own with their dad. His behavior typically only focuses on me, so I’m afraid if I am out of the equation they will take on the brunt. I know when I leave they tell me they get yelled at a lot and they are often begging me not to leave them alone with him.
That being said, it breaks my heart for them to observe his behavior toward me.

Currently I’m just focusing on staying as calm as humanly possible, but it is so hard. When I don’t react it escalates and typically I am perceived as being withholding or distant, which makes me spiral and question if ultimately all of this is in my head and I am in fact insane and making all these issues occur.

I have also noticed in our pattern a big element is the apology/win you back phase. I have really been trying to work on seeing that and taking it in stride, but again. It’s all so exhausting I have absolutely no time for taking care of myself of being my own best self.

I just don’t know how to get off this merry go round.

[support1234]

I am not sure where to start but I think the bottom line - when you decide that enough is enough?

I have been married for 17 years and have two kids (10 and 13). I could write volumes about the years of chaos and drama, but recently things seemed better. My husband has been in therapy and while I don’t know how exact diagnosis I know BPD adjacent terms have been thrown into the mix. But when I read about it sometimes I wonder how much of my own behavior falls within personally disorder territory or how much is a reaction to the years of confusion.

Currently I am at the point where my ten year old nearly daily asks me what my husband is mad at me about today. The other day I asked my kids if they wanted their dad to make them dinner and they strongly asked me not to ask him. When I dug a bit it seemed that they were afraid if I would ask he would just end up mad at me.
It’s exhausting.

I have been reluctant to separate or divorce because I do hold onto some hope, but mostly because I really worry about my kids on their own with their dad. His behavior typically only focuses on me, so I’m afraid if I am out of the equation they will take on the brunt. I know when I leave they tell me they get yelled at a lot and they are often begging me not to leave them alone with him.
That being said, it breaks my heart for them to observe his behavior toward me.

Currently I’m just focusing on staying as calm as humanly possible, but it is so hard. When I don’t react it escalates and typically I am perceived as being withholding or distant, which makes me spiral and question if ultimately all of this is in my head and I am in fact insane and making all these issues occur.

I have also noticed in our pattern a big element is the apology/win you back phase. I have really been trying to work on seeing that and taking it in stride, but again. It’s all so exhausting I have absolutely no time for taking care of myself of being my own best self.

I just don’t know how to get off this merry go round.

[ForeverDad]

But when I read about it (BPD) sometimes I wonder how much of my own behavior falls within personally disorder territory or how much is a reaction to the years of confusion.

I'll start off our responses with this objective commendation: Few people with BPD (pwBPD) or other acting-out mental health issues can scrutinize themselves.  If you're looking at yourself and asking whether you're the crazy one or causing most of the troubles, then relax, you're not the Problem.  You are experiencing "a reaction to the years of confusion."

None of us are perfect, we all have issues, hopefully minor ones that only sometimes trigger bumps in the road of life.  That's okay, it's not a big deal in reasonably normal relationships.  Typically it is the one with serious mental health issues, such as an acting-out Personality Disorder... Cluster B: Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, Histrionic.

As for whether it is you or your spouse, I can give another reassurance.  Sometimes a pwBPD finds our site (not helpful, it is our resource) but usually by the words or thoughts expressed we can discern this person has serious issues.  Your post, to the contrary, virtually and calmly screams "I am a reasonably normal person in a seriously difficult situation."  It is evident you are the one seeking solutions.

[Pook075]

I just don’t know how to get off this merry go round.

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story.  A lot of us arrived here asking the exact same question as your final comment- how do I right the ship?  How do I stop the chaos?  How to I exit the merry go round?

The answer is so incredibly simple- you stop doing what you're doing.  And that doesn't mean divorce or separation, but it does mean that you must stop being a victim in your own story.  There are tons of tools here to teach you to better communicate, establish healthy boundaries, and take back control of your own life...they're the sticky threads along the top of the page.  There are also some excellent books out there like, "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" that can give you a lot of clarity. 

The way to get off the merry go round is to educate yourself on how to handle borderline/narcissistic behavior and see where you really stand in your marriage.

Now, I'll warm you- once you start making adjustments, it often gets worse before it gets better.  Your spouse is perfectly content with the chaos that you're currently experiencing, because nobody is holding him accountable for bad behavior.  You and your kids are all walking on eggshells, doing everything possible not to poke the bear.  But what everyone doesn't realize is that you're living with trauma that takes quite a long time to fully unpack.  It's not healthy for anyone involved, including your spouse.

I'm not going to suggest whether you should leave or stay, that's a decision for you and you alone.  None of us know how mild or severe things are within your home, whether it's casual annoyances or legitimate abuse.  What folks here will say is that the sooner you break that cycle and begin focusing on yourself and the kids, the better off you'll be in the long run.  Maybe your spouse explodes...or maybe the relationship becomes better than ever.  None of us can tell you what's to come. 

But you can't keep just taking it and wondering if it's all worth it.  That's the recipe for a heart attack or stroke from all the stress involved.  I speak from personal experience there.

The other thing I can tell you is to ask TONS of questions here- how do I do this?  What do you think about that?  That's why this community exists and it's basically a family, a brotherhood.  We're all in this together trying to figure out how to get off the rollercoaster.  Talking things out here does help A LOT and hundreds have said that this site helped them more than anything.  That's true for me...and no, I have zero affiliation with the site.  It was the only place I found where people understand exactly what I'm going through and they could tell me that I probably wasn't the problem.

So do your homework.  Study.  Rant when you need to- we've all been there.  But most of all, learn to focus on yourself more and figure out what really matters to you.  Hopefully we can help you get there.

[Cat Familiar]

A big here is that your kids are trying to protect you from their father. A phrase I often hear on this forum is “I’d rather come from a broken home than live in one.” While there are lot of things to learn here that will calm down communication with a BPD partner, you cannot fix them, as it is a disorder of feeling and thinking that has been present throughout their life. That said, if they commit to years of therapy (preferably DBT), they can learn new patterns of response, though few BPD individuals are willing to do this.

Have you looked into typical custody orders in the area where you live? Have you spoken with any attorneys familiar with high conflict divorce?

I’m not suggesting this route, only mentioning that as part of your decision process it is good to be informed about what is possible.

[support1234]

Thank you all, this information has been very useful.
I will get reading!