Ex husband is stone walling and punishing me for leaving

[Tangled mangled]

Hi
So the last time I posted here , I was trapped with my stbxh , living under the same roof , after domestic violence and planning my escape.
Well, I don’t know how I navigated the mess in the rabbit hole but I escaped 3 months ago with my 2 children and I live over 300 miles away from my ex husband awaiting finalising the divorce.
In typical BPD fashion, he tried to get social services to attack me for child abuse- I am the bad cop parent, having to deal with defiant children under 10, and he got the children to report me to school making all sorts of false accusations. I got through that somehow, acknowledging my faults to social services and getting support from DV advisers.
I had to use credit cards to secure rented accommodation away from the family home and I also receive state benefits. But due to high cost of living and repaying credit card debts, I am struggling financially.
Meanwhile, the bpd ex advised social services that he will pay for child support but he has refused to pay any sums for the children.
I have applied to the government service here and if he does not respond within reasonable timeframe, the child support will be deducted from his earnings.
He lives in the family home and is stonewalling any attempts to reach any settlement or even to consider making an offer. I have filed an application for the court to decide how assets will be shared. He has said because I left him in debts ( the mortgage and loan he took out to help me with my fees -less that $6k) he is not able to make any offers for settlement and child support.

I need advise on how to handle this situation.

I have an interim court order in my favour for child custody. I allowed him contact with the children 6 weeks ago and I travelled with the children more than have way to meet their dad at a train station, the children stayed with him for a week and he was supposed to return them to the same station but due to rail strikes he was unable to. He used this opportunity to manipulate the older child into showing him where we live.
He is highly manipulative and I have been advised by the school and other services not to allow contact until the court reaches a final decision about child contact.
At the moment I am not obliged to permit contact even via video chat but I allow the children to speak him.
Recently the children have been refusing to chat with him, I even tried encouraging them and yesterday the younger child had a melt down when it was time to chat with dad- he witnessed this ended the call.

So my questions are:

Is there any thing I can do to prepare myself for the court case ahead: I do see from the way his acted that he will play dirty games with the assets.
How can I protect the children? I can imagine he will split them black and punish them. What should i watch out for? My children are under 10years old and boys.
Pls share your 2 cents and any input will be appreciated.

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks for sharing.  I don't have any direct advice since I'm in the exact same position you are- about to file for divorce and hoping the proverbial wheels don't fall off the bus.  I will share what everyone else said in my thread though, start talking to attorneys now and get legal advice.

One thing I can share is that what your husband says doesn't matter legally- he will eventually pay child support and alimony as well.  The question is how long it will all drag out in the legal system until someone caves and just accepts what the other wants.  pwBPD are manipulative and divorce is a game they really, really want to win since it's their last chance to punish you for their bad behavior.  Just don't take the bait, don't concede to anything, and keep being the best possible mom you can be to those kids.

I hope others can provide more direct advice- good luck!  I'm filing for divorce within the next two weeks and I'm nervous over what to expect as well.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you Pook075,

It’s just makes me sick dealing with this double faced disorder.
On the one hand he relates with the children like they are the love of his life but doesn’t care about their welfare.
I’m not in the US (Europe) , I’m not even seeking alimony. He was grooming me to provide for his needs even financially. I’m training to be a doctor and he had told me that he was supporting me because of the children.

But then during the discard, me being in medical school became the source of all abuse. He has said I will not qualify and I see him doing all he can to prevent me.
All part of the punishment I guess-withholding finances and stonewalling.

[healthfreedom4s]

I am almost in the same boat as you are. My wife of 15+ years has undiagnosed BPD, have two kids in elementary school, I am living separately for past 1.5 years, filed for divorce 8 months back (on her insistence), mediation is stalled. I had given some money to my parents whom she hates. I disclosed that as part of divorce process (it is my own failing in not being able to talk to her). It is not financially significant but emotionally very significant for her. She is stuck on that and not coming back to mediation.
I don't have direct answers to your questions. I am distraught this week  - she had been splitting and accusing me of all sort of things. I am unable to think and offer you any advice at this time.
I am just writing to you to say that I understand what you are going thru and how you feel.

[Tangled mangled]

Health,
It’s heartbreaking the emotional torment of going through divorce with a bpd ex. It’s as if they hope to break you mentally in the process. I’m praying mine finds a replacement soon as possible so that he will urgently need the divorce in order to latch on to his next victim. What a sad existence they are in.

[livednlearned]

This seems significant and worth heeding:

He is highly manipulative and I have been advised by the school and other services not to allow contact until the court reaches a final decision about child contact.

It might make them question your suitability as a parent if on one hand your ex is so dangerous you went in hiding (so to speak), but then disregarded their counsel.

This was the exact counsel I was given, too.

At the moment I am not obliged to permit contact even via video chat but I allow the children to speak him.
Recently the children have been refusing to chat with him, I even tried encouraging them and yesterday the younger child had a melt down when it was time to chat with dad- he witnessed this ended the call.

It's so hard to make sense of BPD and it's so challenging when a parent (who is supposed to provide safety and love) is the abuser. What you find difficult and abusive as an adult will be even more difficult for kids. Your youngest is expressing fear, and it's best to validate those feelings, especially when you're getting the same feedback from third-party professionals to protect them. It is your ex's responsibility to earn the children's trust and if he cannot do that (given untreated BPD), then your primary job will be safety.

[Tangled mangled]

Livednlearned,
Thank you. It’s sometimes difficult to know what the right course of action should be. He’s programmed the children to believe I’m unhinged but sometimes when they are calm enough they realise it’s him they can’t stand.
I’ll continue to keep the children safe and provide a healthy environment for them to grow and flourish.
Thank you