Avoiding a Massive Conflict - What Say You?

[LifewithEase]

My longest, oldest, closest friend from childhood is coming into town from across the country for a 2nd opinion for their cancer situation.

This is a friend of a half a century. I'd like to think my home is their home yet...

My uBPDw is rejecting the idea that they stays with us. The rationale is that our house embarrasses her. The second underlying thread is one of shaming. uBPDw believes I don't make enough money. As with all old houses we have constant maintenance, yet for some reason she thinks our house is where it is because it is my fault...etc.

Some of the the language from her note:

I truly wish our house was in a condition where I could confidently offer to host her for an overnight stay. Unfortunately, there are numerous aspects of our house that deeply embarrass me, to the extent that I would feel extremely uncomfortable having her here overnight. I understand that you may have a different perspective, but I hope you can appreciate how strongly I feel about this.

We've already had one fight about this. I thought clearly that I should be able to host my friend in need. I was wrong.

The date is set and my friend is coming into town. I need to resolve it.

There is the BPD aspect.

There is the high chance she'll say that I need to respect her strong opinion - respect our differences.

I'm sure the wise NotWendy would say: don't ask for permission and don't engage the bluff. Just have her come over. But communicate the plan early and often.

Not sure how that will work.

What say you my fine friends and supporters?
 
P.S. Is it sad that I have no one to confide in about this challenge. If I were to tell those friends and family that know I'm dealing with uBPDw they would lose it because isn't it so clear that I should be able to have my closest friend at my home? This is so crazy making.

[Notwendy]

I wish I could just say that but it's not as straightforward. If you were going to visit your friend- that is something you could do as it doesn't involve your wife going with you. This is a house you both share. She could be very difficult while your friend is there.

What does come to mind when a pwBPD gives a reason is that the reason they give you may not be the  the real reason or the only one, but they aren't transparent about the real reason because they may feel it's not reasonable ( sometimes the other reasons are not either). I noticed your friend is female. I know this doesn't make logical sense - obviously your caring for your friend doesn't take away from your marriage but to your wife, this affection may not be OK. It's similar to why a spouse with BPD feels threatened by the affection for a mother, or sister. This is a lifelong friend of yours, and it's only natural that you want to be emotionally supportive to her but for your wife this may feel somehow that your attention to her is being diminished by it.

I don't think the "house" reason is the main reason but it's one that your wife has some control over since it's her house too.

Aside from your wife, when thinking about your friend, she might feel very uncomfortable being in the house with your wife upset about the visit. I think it may be better for both of them if she doesn't stay there and- I think it's best if you tell her why- if she knows the truth so she doesn't think it's because of her. One of my relatives mentioned recently that BPD mother never invited them over and she assumed it was snobbery on my mother's part. The actual reason we didn't have people over at that time was because we had no control over my mother's moods and so didn't know if it would go well.

I think in this situation, it may be best for you to find a place to stay for your friend. Some hospitals have hospitality houses, or an Airbnb where you can visit her ( a hotel room might not go over well with visiting) or have her stay with another friend. If you pay for it you are still hosting her. For a friend like that, it's worth it. Friends from childhood are special. I hope she gets good news when she's there.

[ForeverDad]

I think it may be better for both of them if she doesn't stay there and- I think it's best if you tell her why- if she knows the truth so she doesn't think it's because of her.

This is not the solution you wished but, given the circumstances, it is a practical option.

However, beware that your spouse may also unreasonably demand you don't visit or assist your life-long friend while she is in town.  You will need a Boundary to resist that possible attempt.

[Notwendy]

This is not the solution you wished but, given the circumstances, it is a practical option.

Yes, what you are hoping is what is "normal"- why not have your friend stay with you? For several reasons, having people visit our home was some sort of issue. For one, I think it takes effort to prepare for a house guest- and also for someone with BPD- effort to remain in "social mode"- hold it together around other people. I noticed later as an adult that having anyone over- BPD mother felt everything needed to be "perfect"- presentable. It would mean stress and dysregulation and anxiety on her part. She did occasionally have guests over but it was a big deal with lots of preparation.

A similar thing happened when my parents visited. Eventually we had a house with a guest room. They tried it once but after a short while, they announced they were going to stay in a hotel. I didn't know about BPD at the time, worried that something was wrong on my part. Over time, I decided to not stay with my parents either, as a boundary because I needed to keep my visits shorter- and also because I noticed it seemed to be stressful for BPD mother to have other people in her house.

This is in addition to your relationship with your friend. What is it about these relationships that feel threatening? It doesn't seem logical- these are platonic relationships- relatives, friends. I think there's a fear of exposure for the pwBPD- you might say something to them, you don't walk on eggshells with them. I think though, if your friend stays with you, and your wife is there, you won't feel comfortable.

There was a difference when visiting my parents together and my father alone. Mostly it was with the two of them. When I was in college, he sometimes travelled for business near my school, and I had the opportunity to spend time with just him. He seemed more relaxed when it was just with him.

As FD mentioned- solving the "staying issue" may not solve the situation for your wife as the "reason" may not be the actual reason. She may then decide to object to you spending time with your friend. Here's where the boundary needs to be firm (IMHO). If you don't see your friend, she knows she can isolate you. Yes, she may have fears about you seeing your friend but- these are her feelings. Your isolating yourself isn't the solution for her feelings. Think of ways you can spend time with your friend.  Meeting for lunch is probably easier than dinner- if you usually have dinner with your wife- arrange for dinner with your wife too- it's her choice to attend or not.

[GlennT]

Wow. A true blue friend, for a half of an entire century, suffering with cancer, now wants to fly across the entire country, to stay with you, their dear old gold friend, in their time of massive need, and to see a doctor, but cannot. Forget the old house, This is no way to live PERIOD. I would tell my dear old friend that I wish to live with you in your final days, rather than my bpd witch, who is in dire need of internal repairs and clean-up, more than the house. Please stay with your dearest friend and do not leave them alone whatever you decide, and tell the bpd to            PLEASE READ          .

[ForeverDad]

Thank you, GlennT, for your frank perspective.  Sometimes I worry I speak too frankly, or should I say, this time too passively?

Our comments usually deal with a member's current situation in life and next steps.  It can't be discounted to have a breath of brisk fresh air.

[jaded7]

Wow. A true blue friend, for a half of an entire century, suffering with cancer, now wants to fly across the entire country, to stay with you, their dear old gold friend, in their time of massive need, and to see a doctor, but cannot. Forget the old house, This is no way to live PERIOD. I would tell my dear old friend that I wish to live with you in your final days, rather than my bpd witch, who is in dire need of internal repairs and clean-up, more than the house. Please stay with your dearest friend and do not leave them alone whatever you decide, and tell the bpd to            PLEASE READ          .

There you go GlennT!  A good friend with a diagnosed BPD wife was so controlled by her that he couldn't do anything without asking her, and she frequently forbid him from doing things or berated him for meeting with me. He stopped meeting me for coffee if his day at work was cut short, before driving home, because she didn't like it. She told him he was a terrible husband for working so much (4 days a week, he makes massive money), so he turned it into 3.  When I needed a ride back from a ketamine appointment, I asked him if he could pick me up...she told him he couldn't. So he didn't. That hurt. The Uber ride is $75.

I think you would really regret not being there for a friend. The condition of the house makes no difference to the friend, they want your company and companionship. I'd find a way to be with them.

[Notwendy]

Yes, OP has every right to have his friend stay and the wife's stance isn't reasonable. The problem is that she's in the house too. Bringing anyone to stay in a home with a person angry about it is not going to be a comfortable situation. If each person had their own place to stay, this wouldn't matter.

The "reason"- the condition of the house- is not the actual reason. It's likely due to the wife's anxiety- which drives this behavior on her part. It isn't one thing. We tend to think logically and "solve" the issue at hand. But the distorted thinking on the part of the pwBPD is their feelings and we don't control someone else's feelings. The wife may even think it's the house that is bothering her, or she's just saying that but the actual problem is her feeling uncomfortable with the visit.

It's still possible to be a host to the friend if you put her up somewhere else, and also possible to visit with her when she's there. The only way to have control of where she stays is if you can arrange this independently.

That is where to take the stand: this is your friend and she is your guest and you will spend time with her when she visits. The house is shared, which makes insisting on a houseguest problematic.

[Pook075]

Personally, I would compromise with my BPD spouse and say, "Okay, I'll help her find a great hotel nearby if we can have her over for dinner (or go out to dinner) each night she's here."

If it's the same objections, then I'd make another concession.  "Why don't you go stay with <friend or relative> during that time then so you won't have to feel uncomfortable?"

If it's still the same objections, then I'd simply say that this person is important to you and they're staying with you.  I would not walk on eggshells though- I'd offer a few alternate solutions and then do whatever the right thing is for you.

[livednlearned]

How would your wife behave if your friend stayed with you?

I would envision the feeling you want to have and build from there. If you can't create that feeling in your home, then perhaps there is an alternative. An Airbnb with two rooms, for example. Invite your wife to come with you, if she's able to handle a transition like that. If, like Notwendy says, the house is not the issue and there's something else happening, that will probably come to the surface when you solve the stated problem only to discover it's an even more horrible problem for her. 

My husband (not BPD) tends to be much more forgiving and loose about house guests/living arrangements. He's not a heathen, he just doesn't notice all the small things that happen when someone stays with us. A lot of that labor falls to me simply because I notice.

I know it's a different issue for your wife and of course, she has BPD, it's also not uncommon for two people living together to have different levels of comfort about houseguests.

Either way, prepare to feel knots in your stomach. These are hard choices.

[EyesUp]

Ooof.  My n/BPDx had a very similar response when family would visit.

My aunt had annual medical appointments for post-cancer monitoring in my city - she lived two hours away - and asked to stay with us.  My X made her very uncomfortable, and she eventually stopped visiting.  My X commented that my aunt should not expect us to cater to her, that her visits interfered with the kids' schedules, etc.  With distance, I can see that I would rather model hospitality, adaptability, and flexibility to my kids - and that my aunt's requests were not only not unreasonable but very normal and healthy.  I suspect that my X was simply jealous of a guest getting attention from me and the kids, for even one day.

In hindsight, would I have handled it differently if I understood BPD at that time?  Yes.

I would have stood my ground.  I would have explained that the house was for both of us, and that we both honor friends and family as guests, and model good behavior as hosts, and that a short visit from anyone in no way overrides that as spouses we are each other's priority.

In other words, I would have invited my X to participate in positive way while reinforcing that she was always the true priority - even if we had to share attention with someone else for a short amount of time.

And I may have also added that it's a perfectly normal thing that lots of friends and family do, all the time.  Surely, we're good people that can do this too?

It's an experiment with uncertain results...  your spouse may or may not agree, and then may or may not honor the agreement... and there may be retribution later (acting out) under the guise of some other rationale.  Never easy!

Good luck.