Not sure I even love him anymore

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 5. It’s been a slow progression for me to lose that loving feeling, but it’s time to admit to myself that I don’t love him the way a wife should love a husband anymore. I don’t want to have conversations with him, I don’t want to be intimate with him, I don’t want to do things with him. It was our 5 year wedding anniversary last Friday and I didn’t even know, it was completely off my radar.

We have no children together, don’t own a home, our finances are separate. I think it’s time to go find some happiness in my life.

[Trying123]

We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 5. It’s been a slow progression for me to lose that loving feeling, but it’s time to admit to myself that I don’t love him the way a wife should love a husband anymore. I don’t want to have conversations with him, I don’t want to be intimate with him, I don’t want to do things with him. It was our 5 year wedding anniversary last Friday and I didn’t even know, it was completely off my radar.

We have no children together, don’t own a home, our finances are separate. I think it’s time to go find some happiness in my life.

[ForeverDad]

I am a strong advocate for marriage, yet I've also come to realize that life with an acting-out (hurtful to others) spouse can ruin a marriage and make it unhealthy and too dysfunctional.

In our efforts to deal with life with a person with BPD (pwBPD), learning about the disorder and learning needed tools and skills, that experience also changes us.  We're not the same persons we were before.  This learning experience is not a bad thing, it is necessary but it also presents us with the decisions before us, what do we do now with the better insight and perspective?

Only time will tell whether he is sincere and committed to making last improvements.  You get to decide how much more time, if any, you allow for him to prove himself.  After all, you've had many years with him and evidently during all your interactions over  all those years there hasn't much if any long term positive response, right?

However, be fully aware that there is a vast difference between words and promises versus lasting actions and real progress toward improvement and recovery.  Promises are easy to make, real lasting improvements are so very difficult.

Do not feel pressured overmuch about your feelings, obligations and second-guessing yourself.

One of our most prolific posters some 5-10 years ago was JoannaK.  She wrote that if persons do work to attain some recovery from BPD then they would not be the same persons as before and there was a real possibility the relationship would not survive or be restarted, one or both had changed that much.

[thankful person]

Trying 123, I feel like that about my wife, I literally dread spending time with her at the moment, or even talking on the phone or texting her. We’ve been together 9 years and married 5.5. Things have fallen very far apart. But the difference in my story is we have 3 young children (biologically hers through ivf) and a house together. I am trying to work on this marriage because I don’t want to spend any time apart from my kids so if I can make things a bit better for myself and the family I’ll keep trying. It does sound like you’re ready to take that big step. You are looking after yourself and deciding you deserve to be treated better, and I respect that. Think also about how things might look if you were to have kids together. I always knew my wife was paranoid and jealous etc, but I didn’t think about how this behaviour may sometimes (fortunately very occasionally) be directed straight at the kids. Like one example is the time my daughter asked if I could read her a story instead of my wife and my wife shouted , “ok I’ll just fk off then shall I? I know when I’m not wanted!” I have accepted that this can never be a normal relationship so it is very lonely, but I get lots of support on the forum. Wishing you all the best.

[Trying123]

In our efforts to deal with life with a person with BPD (pwBPD), learning about the disorder and learning needed tools and skills, that experience also changes us.  We're not the same persons we were before.  This learning experience is not a bad thing, it is necessary but it also presents us with the decisions before us, what do we do now with the better insight and perspective?

This is exactly what I’m feeling. I have done so much inner work on myself and I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will appreciate that, respect me, and give me the love that I deserve. Someone who in return I can love and respect whole heartedly. I’m just not there with my husband.

I have tried to make this work for so many years. I want to be happy, not feel like I’m taking on a self help project every day of my life just to get through an afternoon with him.

Thankful Person - luckily I will never have kids with him. I have 2 girls from a previous marriage. My current husband wanted a child with me in the beginning of our relationship but thankfully I was smart enough to never agree to the timing of it. It’s hard enough watching my girls experience some of his behaviors and they are a big reason I feel it’s time to end this marriage. Luckily they get a break from it every other week when they spend time at their dads house.

[Trying123]

Last night he took my phone while I was sleeping and went through it. He found my text messages to my mom looking for an apartment. He woke me up and told me he knew what I was doing so I told him that yes, I’m looking to move out asap and that I’m unhappy in this relationship. He proceeded to argue his side for much longer than I would have liked, however he did remain more or less rational. If my girls weren’t already asleep, I would have left.

He called out from work today and tried talking to me this morning. I grey rocked him and told him I would talk to him after work. I’m so mad though that he kept me awake half the night but now he gets to stay home and sleep all day while I go to work!

[Smedley Butler]

It’s hard enough watching my girls experience some of his behaviors and they are a big reason I feel it’s time to end this marriage. Luckily they get a break from it every other week when they spend time at their dads house.

i think the fact that you consider your children lucky to get away from your current husband in order to spend time with your ex husband says just about all you need to know about your current relationship. 

[ForeverDad]

I have 2 girls from a previous marriage. My current husband wanted a child with me in the beginning of our relationship but thankfully I was smart enough to never agree to the timing of it. It’s hard enough watching my girls experience some of his behaviors and they are a big reason I feel it’s time to end this marriage. Luckily they get a break from it every other week when they spend time at their dads house.

Smedley is correct.  If nothing else, this is a major deciding factor.  When we are glad the kids are elsewhere, that's a huge problem indicator.

Many of us members did have children (I had one hoping it would make my now-ex feel better about her life - it didn't) but what it did was make us feel more obligated to stay and made exiting so much more complicated.

We talk about establishing firm Boundaries here.  One of them applicable at this time is... I am allowed - required - to make my own decisions for my life and my children's lives.

[Smedley Butler]

(I had one hoping it would make my now-ex feel better about her life - it didn't) but what it did was make us feel more obligated to stay and made exiting so much more complicated

oof, man i feel this in my soul.  i love my girls so much and cant imagine life without them, but boy oh boy you are dead nuts accurate with the obligation and complication factors skyrocketing once you have kids. 

[thankful person]

oof, man i feel this in my soul.  i love my girls so much and cant imagine life without them, but boy oh boy you are dead nuts accurate with the obligation and complication factors skyrocketing once you have kids. 

All the time before we had kids, or relationship was very tumultuous, but I always “knew” my dbpdw would “never” leave me. I thought about leaving at times, but her love was always enough to stop me. Well yes, the joke was on me because… since having kids dbpdw has now decided that I’m not good enough to be her wife and that she wants me to leave her. And I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to be apart from my kids, which prompts me to want to work on the relationship. And there will always be some level of caretaking required if it is to work. And I know it’s not the case, but it does feel like she led me straight into this trap on purpose. The reason I say it’s not the case.. although my wife emotionally abuses me and treats me badly, I am inclined to believe this comes from a place of paranoid delusion rather than malevolent manipulation. She was sexually abused as a child and teenager, and whilst there is never a justification for emotionally abusing your partner, it does explain much of her behaviour which is that of a terrified injured wild animal, who can’t understand that the humans are trying to help it. But whilst the animal eventually learns to trust those who care for it, it seems my wife is permanently trapped in her mindset and will never trust me.