My son and his BPD wife

[angryNafraid]

Hi. It is suggested that new people introduce themselves and tell their situation, so here goes. I am sorry that it so long. I kind of need to get this off my chest. People who have never dealt with this stuff look at me like I am mental.

I am a 62-year-old widow. I have a 29-year-old son who has Asperger's Syndrome. But I think that there is more to his issues than ASD and ADD.

When he (let's call him A) was a young teen his psychologist suggested that he might have oppositional defiant disorder. The psychologist did not want to put that label on him at the time because of the possible repercussions later in life. I also did not want to believe it, so I just buried it in my mind and made many rationalizations about his behaviors.

My son desperately wants to be like everyone else; loved, have a family, etc. But he refuses to learn to do what it takes to actually have these things. Instead, he seems more into the image of these things and essentially "plays house" instead. He refused to go to school even when I offered to pay for it and allow him to live free of charge in my home (he was by then an adult). He does not have a trade or a career. He has a series of low-paying entry-level positions that he cannot keep- always someone else's fault.

A few years ago "A" took up with a girl who was docile and devoted to him. It turns out that she has FASD and was completely dependent upon him for everything. She (we will call her "D") had no survival skills. "A" decided that this was love. Eventually, that situation fell apart, but not before they had two children together (now ages 1 and 2). They have split and "A" is now an every-other-weekend dad. Before he was disentangled from the mother of his children, "A" took up with another girl who is 22 years old. This sent the mother, "D", off the deep end.

Fast forward. My son barely knew the 22-year-old girl. "A" has a pattern of "rescuing" girls even though he cannot take care of himself. "A" immediately moved the new girl, "R", into his apartment after knowing her for a few weeks. He married her after knowing her for less than 3 months. They deliberately got pregnant because that is what "R" wanted.- They lied and told everyone that it was an accident.

My son lost his apartment. Housing being what it is, "A" and "R", who seemed to be a decent, and intelligent person moved in with me. It was supposed to be a mutually helpful situation where we would all benefit.

It turns out that "R" has BPD and schizophrenia. During the time that she was here, she was rude beyond measure, entitled, passive-aggressive, and then just aggressive. She is manipulative, a compulsive liar, self-centered, lacks a conscience, and can become violent. "R" had wanted them to move into her parent's home, but the mother would not allow it. I believe that "R" resented being here. I believe that "R" took out her resentment on me. I would not engage in any arguments with her so she became ruder and more aggressive. I ended up hiding in my room for the final 3 weeks that they lived here. It turns out that all along, "R" had wanted to move into her mother's home and was denied. I believe that she manufactured a series of lies and spun a tale so that her mother would "rescue" her and allow them to move to her mother's house, which is what happened.

A day later, my son began contacting me and coming over to get things, a bit at a time. After 5 weeks of no contact with "R", she accompanied my son to my home to get more of their stuff. She once again behaved badly. I refused to take the bait. She upped the ante by going into to a BPD rage, calling me names, insulting me, throwing things across my front yard, and calling the police to make false allegations against me while standing in my front yard! Two weeks later, I was served with a restraining order that was issued based on her lies. I am working on detaching from my son. This episode was the final straw.

"R" continues to manipulate. She had my son kicked out of her mother's house, where they had been staying, on a weekend when he had his children. "A" called me early in the morning sobbing. I allowed him to come over and spend the night with the kids. He cried and talked throughout the night. He vowed to be done with "R". Well, he is back with her, though not living there, and he is being manipulated again. Last night "A" called me frantic because "R" was in the hospital with an elevated heart rate and "A" was scared to death for "R" and the baby. I forgot to mention that she seeks attention through hypochondria. "A" now tells me that the source of "R"'s stress was that he went to work. My son loves drama too. He seems to think that this is perfectly valid.

In the span of two months, "R" has managed to spread lies about me, get a ridiculous court order that stands for a year, alienate me from my extended family with her lies, manipulate my son, make it difficult if not impossible to see my grandchildren, and gotten my son to get my 87-year-old mother with dementia to give them $2k! I am furious. I also don't know what else she will do next.

I believe that "R" is dangerous and I am concerned for the safety and well-being of my grandchildren. "A" confided to me that once they had moved, "R" kept trying to prevent him from getting the children on his weekends. Barring that, she would always try to get him to take them home early. This confirmed some things I saw when they were here. Whenever my son was around, "R" was all about the children. When he would leave to run an errand or something, she completely ignored the toddlers and seemed to be indifferent to them at best.

I have dealt with one other person, a former friend, who turned out to have BPD. I have seen firsthand what a frightening psycho that guy became. What I saw in "R"'s eyes when she was raging, chilled me. I think she is very dangerous. My fear is for my son's children.

I am afraid that if I approach the other grandmother or "D", the mother of the children, to warn them, that they will think that I am making this stuff up or being dramatic. Most of the people in this scenario have serious mental health issues, or they probably would not associate with my son.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[angryNafraid]

I was reading about devaluation and several people said that BPDs only devalue people that they are close to. I find this confusing based on the situation that occurred with my DIL.

I was very nice, very welcoming, and very accommodating, but my DIL and I were not what I would consider close. We did not know one another well. She and my son moved into my home for about 6 weeks. Within 3 weeks, my DIL was being rude, and telling lies about me behind my back. She became very passive-aggressive, and then just plain aggressive. Initially, I was not concerned, but I quickly realized that something was off. Rather than engage, since there was no talking with her, I avoided her. I thought she would eventually chill out.

She has falsely accused me of a myriad of things and even gotten a restraining order against me.

Is this devaluation or just manipulation to get what she wanted, which seemed to be attention, to sever my son's ties with supportive people, separate me from my extended family, and have her mom allow her and my son to move into her mother's home?

Also, I feel like my DIL has been rewarded by the legal system by lying and receiving the restraining order. I am concerned that just like with a child, when they "get away" with something, she will become emboldened. I feel like I have to have strong, clear boundaries in dealing with this pair. At this point, I would prefer not to deal with them at all.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

[Pook075]

Hi Angry and thanks for sharing.  That's a lot to take in and I'm so sorry that you've been stuck in this journey.  There's no immediate answers on how to sort this out.

I guess the first thing I'd ask is about your support system- who is helping you through this?  I would highly suggest counseling since you're dealing with so much and stuck in the middle of everything.  Any type of break you can take from this would probably be highly beneficial to you- even a weekend away with some friends or other family.

Next, let's compartmentalize this a little bit.  "A" is your son.  You need to be there to support your son, but only with healthy boundaries.  This is not your fight and you can only advise him on the best course of action moving forward.  If he listens or not, you have no control over that.  He can't bring that drama to your house though and expect you to be caught in the middle.

"D" is an ex and the mother to your two grandchildren.  She dropped out of the story pretty early and I can understand why- she must be furious how things played out.  Hopefully you have some sort of relationship there since it would be in the best interests of the kids going forward.  That's something you can work on over time.

"R" clearly painted you black because you've kept her from completely manipulating your son.  I'm not saying your kid is a saint or anything, but you were a huge barrier and had to be taken out of the picture for "R" to get her way.  That's classic BPD behavior and my ex wife did that with my mom when we were first married.

For "R", you owe her nothing and have no reason to have any contact with her.  Let her go and say whatever ridiculous things she's going to say.  The only relationship that truly matters is with "A", and that's something you must set boundaries in.  You'll support him emotionally but you're not taking any punishment or blame.  Stand strong there.  This is ultimately not your problem and there's no reason you should just accept it.

For "A", he picked the wrong woman and that's very sad.  But you have to let him live his life and deal with the consequences.  It's just not your fight.

I hope that helps at least a little.  Again, I'm very sorry for what you're going through.