Verbal Abuse

[AcheyMom]

Is having BPD an excuse to be a mean person?  I love my 33 year old daughter but I feel like I cannot take her abuse any longer.  She has zero remorse or empathy.  She lacks the ability to self reflect so I don’t think she can change. I am thinking of going no contact.  My younger daughter thinks I need to be de-brainwashed like a cult member because the older one has done such a number on my mind!  So many lies and so much manipulation over the years.  Has anyone come to the point of no contact?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi AcheyMom
Coming to this site helped me understand that the lack of empathy, verbal abuse, manipulation etc is what it means to be a BPD person. For some the symptoms are more intense than for others. For some there is the possibility of recovery etc . .

There is quite a few people who come here to discuss going no contact. I think it is always an option, and is always an individual choice and depends on all the factors that make up what it is like for you trying to cope with a loved bpd adult child. Factors such as how functional your child is eg able to work? Live independently? Have other support people?

In my case I tried quite a lot to support dd to live independently, but she is not really able to cope with this.

I went 'no contact' in a different way: I withdrew from trying to get dd to keep appointments etc, I don't really initiate conversation and I don't jump in with solutions. We are very much around one another, but I feel like I have stepped aside both from emotional support and from trying to prevent the obvious train wreck that results from her decisions.

This has been the best form of 'no contact' for me. For others it may be necessary to step back from all physical contact for their own health and wellbeing. And that is a valid choice I think.

[AcheyMom]

Thanks for your helpful response.  I have a really hard time with the zero remorse aspect, especially when it comes to my grandson.  He has had to be in our care a few times over the years when she hasn't been able to cope.  CPS is always involved and we are the temporary guardians.  As he has gotten older and able to speak up we have learned that she is neglectful and emotionally abusive toward him.  He is in his aunt's custody at this very moment through CPS again!  Last time, in 2020 we had him for six months and giving him back was agonizing.  The whole situation was incredibly stressful.  He did not want to go home.  He was so happy with the stability, routine and nurturing he received here.  We fought with CPS to have our daughter show more proof that she had genuinely changed.  We even had a lawyer and were prepared to go to family court.  CPS said they would fight us and recommend he go back to her.  We ended up having a legal agreement drawn up so that for the next 2 years we could have him 1 weekend per month to keep an eye on things.  One month after my grandson went back home from the six months he stayed with us my husband suffered a heart attack.  I'm sure the stress of the whole situation contributed to that.  I myself have Fibromyalgia from the stress of not knowing what crisis will come next.  Anyway, she was in the hospital having her meds adjusted after my grandson was removed and I visited her a few times.  Zero remorse for her son.  She actually justified some of the abuse by blaming my grandson.  I was disgusted.  She also blamed his aunt for the whole thing and said she just wants to kidnap him.  It's unbelievable, but at 33 she still thinks it is everyone else.  She only contacts me if she needs something.  I hate feeling used.  We are seriously tempted to pack our belongings and move far away at this point

[Sancho]

Hi AcheyMom
Things are even more complex when there is a child or children involved. I am in that situation as well - the anxiety when dd would suddenly pack gd up and take her to live with whoever dd had moved in with was unbearable at times, and particularly in the first couple of times.

The lack of remorse or any kind of insight seems to be part of BPD too - as well as the blaming of others for everything. I used to wonder about dd being on the autism spectrum. BPD seems to have aspects of ASD and also the impulsivity of ADHD. It is so complex.

When I took all these things to be part of the BPD package that is my dd's condition I found it easier to let all those things float past me though I still gasp inside whenever I hear dd telling someone how stressful being a mother is! (unreal banana peel as they say!)

I also found it helpful to reframe the situation with my gd in my own mind by looking at what things would be like if I wasn't there or hadn't been there from the start. It made me realise that although I hadn't been able to control things, I had in fact been able to make a positive difference.

You have done all that you can in trying to get your gs full time in your care. But it is not an all or nothing for him. He has already seen and experienced the contrast that you have provided; he knows he is part of an extended family; he is able to unload to you about what his life with his mum is like - being able to express this is just so important in his development; he knows there is someone 'out there' who thinks about him and loves him.

There are so many children who don't even know there is another way, and there are other people who care about them.

It is always hard to live with uncertainty and the knowledge that all is not well, particularly in the life of a child. But what you have already provided could well be the difference in the long term for your gs.